Help do i talk to my rapist?

[cultpup]

i was raped by a friend a few years ago and didn't realize how awful it was until later. the emotions have been locked away until recently, and now i'm struggling with flashbacks over it a lot and am triggered by reminders or reflections of it. my lack of "no" even after being asked for a "no" (not a "yes") was taken as permission. they've been assaulted themself and even at the time had a fear of accidentally assaulting others. we haven't talked most of this year, but earlier in the year we very briefly talked about it but in a lighthearted/reminiscent way, it wasn't hurting me then like it is now. they recognized what they did was pretty iffy and looked at their past self with a sense of disgust and some confusion of why they would do that, if i remember correctly they even said what they did sound "rape-y".

they have a dissociative disorder and im aware at least one of their alters is/was violently inclined, and said they didn't remember saying/doing what they did. i do believe them when they say that rape is really against their morals, and i don't at all think they're aware of what they did to me and how it's affecting me. they haven't specifically said that was an alter but that's what i think happened then, from my perspective it wasn't the usual them that did that to me. they disagree with what they did and i trust that. they're not intentionally awful in other ways and when they have been hurtful they tend to accept & deal with it/fix it.

we haven't talked in a while, i thought about talking to them again as friends before i realized what happened to me, and even though i'm still open to that i don't think i could do that without talking about this first. but i don't need them back in my life and can deal without them either way i think. regardless, i care about them as a person and would feel safe talking to them. i don't believe they'd intentionally hurt me. i really believe at the time they perceived consent and wasn't intending to truly and non consensually hurt or damage me. i do believe if i told them how i feel they would be genuinely sorry, albeit distressed that they've done something so awful and hurt me so much without realizing it.

i've never gotten comfort or resolution or closure from a perpetrator or abuser before outside of trying to reconnect with my mother, which is rocky since we never really "talked about it". to me it makes logical sense that having an actually safe relationship with someone who was previously abusive can be in its own way healing and resolving. i will never have sex with this person again, we've agreed not to, so it'd just be friendship. i don't at all feel afraid they'd do it to me again. but i'm not sure what talking to them could really do for me, given i know they will feel guilty and apologize? i'm not upset at them (i suppose you could call that forgiveness?) and there's no clarification or explaining that i need from them for closure reasons. i'm just left with the damage and scars now and am dealing with the grief. i don't think i need them as part of my healing process, and if it would help i'm not exactly sure how.

it'd be nice to be friends with them again but not unless this is out of the way, i know this can really put a damper on things at least to start but need for closure or not we can't be friends unless i can tell them about this. even if we don't become friends again, is it worth revealing the damage? will it help anyone involved? or just possibly refresh wounds for me and inevitably burden them with guilt they've been forgiven for? knowing them they'll fixate on this and may even excessively punish or hurt themself for it, and i know it's not about them but i don't want them hurt especially if they're unstable right now, which i have no way of knowing beforehand.

maybe i'm really thinking about it all wrong, but that's why i'm asking for second opinions about it.

should i talk to them? if i do, what the hell do i even say? .

 

[trytrytryagain]

This is just coming from someone who's gone/is going through something somewhat similar, plain and simple: I believe this will most likely hurt you more.
I will try to be very direct, but please take you time reading this, and be kind to yourself. This is mostly my own opinion of me working through these thoughts too.

I was raped by someone who I assumed to be a friend too, more than a year ago. I don't know why this happens, I don't know why someone decides to rape or SA someone in any form and I personally believe that that thinking brings us to deny the severity of what has happened to us, because, "I wouldn't ever do this to someone, so why would someone else do this to me?". My simple conclusion isn't the simple 'power dynamic' or a 'mixed signals' narrative that is used commonly in these talks. Candidly, if someone does this to someone else, it's because they don't actually see you as a person to respect, I think rapists don't see their victims as human.

I tried being friends with my rapist after it happened, I knew what happened was wrong, I knew I didn't consent, I knew I was barely even awake for half of it. I thought he just made a mistake, and I blamed myself too for not being as direct as I 'should've been'. It ate away at me. I tried acting like it didn't happen. It continued to drive me further and further into a catatonic routine where I knew I was hurt, I knew it was making my mental state worse, my life worse.
One day he blocked me. My last message to them was someone along the lines of showing him a meal I cooked that day. I never mentioned the word rape ever in our conversations, I never accused him of anything along those lines ever, despite knowing what happened. I believe they always knew what he did to me, it might've gotten to him too, but not in the way it got to me.

The way it got to me was losing any sensation of touch to my skin, my own body felt like nothing. Every night I felt scared to sleep at my own bed where it happened, shaking, vomiting sometimes out of some mysterious anxiety that I didn't fully understand. I felt scared of going outside, I didn't know why as it was usually something that made me happy before to just walk around, that happiness was just gone. I didn't feel like a person. I still don't really.
The way it affected him was most definitely not the same. He could have felt the exact physical and mental pain but this pain did not come from the same place. It came from the fear of knowing he could be caught. Fear of his façade of being 'one of the good ones' being unveiled. That anybody would find out he's a walking contradiction of himself. I can believe he felt fear, but not because he was sorry he hurt me, but he was sorry for himself.

That's the main difference between a victim and a perpetrator. A victim is damaged due to what happened. The rapist is sorry for themselves, but not their actions.

Closure can feel like it can only be accomplished by facing you rapist, but I think there might be other ways to heal.
You are a person that matters, your system matters, your trauma matters and I'm glad you're trying to process this, but it's not something that is going to be solved by talking through it with someone who is willing to do this to you, because they most likely don't want to see you heal.
Maybe healing is about wanting to see yourself better, not the person who did this to you.

If this counts for anything, I hope me sharing my experience gives some perspective and I hope you don't feel so alone anymore, because it does feel lonely.
Please take care, and just know that I hear you at the very least.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Rape is an utterly vile act and is inexcusable and unforgivable.
All rapists should be castrated and have " RAPIST " tattooed on their foreheads.

 

[cultpup]

This is just coming from someone who's gone/is going through something somewhat similar, plain and simple: I believe this will most likely hurt you more.
I will try to be very direct, but please take you time reading this, and be kind to yourself. This is mostly my own opinion of me working through these thoughts too.

I was raped by someone who I assumed to be a friend too, more than a year ago. I don't know why this happens, I don't know why someone decides to rape or SA someone in any form and I personally believe that that thinking brings us to deny the severity of what has happened to us, because, "I wouldn't ever do this to someone, so why would someone else do this to me?". My simple conclusion isn't the simple 'power dynamic' or a 'mixed signals' narrative that is used commonly in these talks. Candidly, if someone does this to someone else, it's because they don't actually see you as a person to respect, I think rapists don't see their victims as human.

I tried being friends with my rapist after it happened, I knew what happened was wrong, I knew I didn't consent, I knew I was barely even awake for half of it. I thought he just made a mistake, and I blamed myself too for not being as direct as I 'should've been'. It ate away at me. I tried acting like it didn't happen. It continued to drive me further and further into a catatonic routine where I knew I was hurt, I knew it was making my mental state worse, my life worse.
One day he blocked me. My last message to them was someone along the lines of showing him a meal I cooked that day. I never mentioned the word rape ever in our conversations, I never accused him of anything along those lines ever, despite knowing what happened. I believe they always knew what he did to me, it might've gotten to him too, but not in the way it got to me.

The way it got to me was losing any sensation of touch to my skin, my own body felt like nothing. Every night I felt scared to sleep at my own bed where it happened, shaking, vomiting sometimes out of some mysterious anxiety that I didn't fully understand. I felt scared of going outside, I didn't know why as it was usually something that made me happy before to just walk around, that happiness was just gone. I didn't feel like a person. I still don't really.
The way it affected him was most definitely not the same. He could have felt the exact physical and mental pain but this pain did not come from the same place. It came from the fear of knowing he could be caught. Fear of his façade of being 'one of the good ones' being unveiled. That anybody would find out he's a walking contradiction of himself. I can believe he felt fear, but not because he was sorry he hurt me, but he was sorry for himself.

That's the main difference between a victim and a perpetrator. A victim is damaged due to what happened. The rapist is sorry for themselves, but not their actions.

Closure can feel like it can only be accomplished by facing you rapist, but I think there might be other ways to heal.
You are a person that matters, your system matters, your trauma matters and I'm glad you're trying to process this, but it's not something that is going to be solved by talking through it with someone who is willing to do this to you, because they most likely don't want to see you heal.
Maybe healing is about wanting to see yourself better, not the person who did this to you.

If this counts for anything, I hope me sharing my experience gives some perspective and I hope you don't feel so alone anymore, because it does feel lonely.
Please take care, and just know that I hear you at the very least.

this makes sense, and i'm really sorry that happened to you.

i'm conflicted between rationalizations on either side, both as someone who feels i knew them as a person and as someone who's a survivor of what they did. i really don't think they're evil or selfish when it comes down to it but like you said it could be a way for me to cope with the pain. my situation was more ambiguous in my opinion which is why it took years for me to understand in the first place.

also, the recognition of my system in your second to last paragraph was really unexpected but really appreciated, it's very rare that i'm ever seen and it's hard to word how that makes me feel but thank you for that.

this is still a bit of a puzzle for me and something to chew on for now but i do appreciate this a lot, thank you for the response.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

they recognized what they did was pretty iffy and looked at their past self with a sense of disgust and some confusion of why they would do that, if i remember correctly they even said what they did sound "rape-y".

They probably realise what they did, and if they said that and haven't apologised about it, that may be the closest you'll get.

I don't know the right answer but I wouldn't talk to them, because it sounds risky and I wouldn't want you to get hurt further. I'm sorry for what happened to you.