Do I really want to get better?

[MephistoJustBeneath]

I've been thinking about all the advice that people have given me to help cope with my depression. A lot of it is typical "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type shit, but some of it has been perfectly valid. However, something I've noticed recently is that I seem to be naturally predisposed to just... not following any of it. Every suggestion I've been given to improve my life I've blown it off, not because I want to, but out of some sort of reflex. Even when I think about what I want to do with myself, I mostly just want to be left alone so I can die in peace and have everyone forget about me.

Is this all part of depression, or am I just a toxic fucking piece of shit? I feel like I know the answer already, but it would be nice to have some outside input.

 

[dysfunctional]

I've been thinking about all the advice that people have given me to help cope with my depression. A lot of it is typical "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type shit, but some of it has been perfectly valid. However, something I've noticed recently is that I seem to be naturally predisposed to just... not following any of it. Every suggestion I've been given to improve my life I've blown it off, not because I want to, but out of some sort of reflex. Even when I think about what I want to do with myself, I mostly just want to be left alone so I can die in peace and have everyone forget about me.

Is this all part of depression, or am I just a toxic fucking piece of shit? I feel like I know the answer already, but it would be nice to have some outside input.

I don't know what it is, but I do the same thing. My brain gets so scrambled with depression that I feel I can't do alot of the things that would make me better. Excercise, hiking, etc. I think the hopelessness of depression feeds itself. Idk best I can think of.

 

[WinterFaust]

God, I relate to this so much. I ask myself the same exact thing. I hate living like this, I hate being stuck but if I'm not taking the necessary action, do I actually want to get better? Makes me feel even more like a failure because at least other people are trying.

I think @dysfunctional is right. Hopelessness, lack of energy, no motivation are symptoms that feed depression. Depression is actually really insidious. It can make the smallest task the hardest thing in the world, it distorts how you see things and how you see yourself. Feeling like you're a failure seems to be a common distortion too.

 

[Pryras]

No you're not toxic, i feel the exact same way honesty. I think a lot of it has to do with mindset, those who truly want to recover can make the connection and build the perseverance to do that while others can't.

I don't have much self-importance and I'll try convincing myself that I DO deserve better and that I CAN get through it, but it feels very disingenuous. You have to have some self-love and respect left to want to move forward with recovery but that's difficult for people like myself.

I'm not so much in recovery as I'm on "pause" which just means that I'm not actively suicidal.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

You have to have some self-love and respect left to want to move forward with recovery

Very well-worded. This is probably why I haven't ever been able to get better.

 

[WinterFaust]

No you're not toxic, i feel the exact same way honesty. I think a lot of it has to do with mindset, those who truly want to recover can make the connection and build the perseverance to do that while others can't.

I don't have much self-importance and I'll try convincing myself that I DO deserve better and that I CAN get through it, but it feels very disingenuous. You have to have some self-love and respect left to want to move forward with recovery but that's difficult for people like myself.

I'm not so much in recovery as I'm on "pause" which just means that I'm not actively suicidal.

I think this is part of what makes depression such a vicious cycle. I don't know many people who've been actively depressed that had any self-love or respect. Not feeling deserving can be a symptom as well as a trigger and seems to keep keep us stuck where we are.
I think there are so many factors that tend to be at play but they're often not visible when we're in the thick of it.

 

[Pryras]

I think this is part of what makes depression such a vicious cycle. I don't know many people who've been actively depressed that had any self-love or respect. Not feeling deserving can be a symptom as well as a trigger and seems to keep keep us stuck where we are.
I think there are so many factors that tend to be at play but they're often not visible when we're in the thick of it.

I agree, that's why positive affirmations often don't help people who are attempting recovery. You have to find value in your existence and carry a degree of self worth to make recovery even possible. Until I find that self worth I'm either stuck on "pause" or back to making impulsive attempts.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I think there are so many factors that tend to be at play but they're often not visible when we're in the thick of it.

This. When I'm depressed it's like i'm in a tight, dark tunnel. I can't turn around and go back, I can't change direction, the only way is forward, deeper into the darkness, further from sanity and reason.

Is this all part of depression, or am I just a toxic fucking piece of shit?

It's all a part of depression. You're not a toxic fucking piece of shit.

 

[maru.]

The problem with depression isn't just that getting better feels like it's impossible.

The biggest problem is that the very idea of "getting better" stops making any sense, i legitimately don't even understand what it means anymore.

 

[Arrow]

I've been thinking about all the advice that people have given me to help cope with my depression. A lot of it is typical "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type shit, but some of it has been perfectly valid. However, something I've noticed recently is that I seem to be naturally predisposed to just... not following any of it. Every suggestion I've been given to improve my life I've blown it off, not because I want to, but out of some sort of reflex. Even when I think about what I want to do with myself, I mostly just want to be left alone so I can die in peace and have everyone forget about me.

Is this all part of depression, or am I just a toxic fucking piece of shit? I feel like I know the answer already, but it would be nice to have some outside input.

i'm pretty sure that's a side effect of depression, you start to not even try to get better.