Do I really want to CTB?

[spicerymer]

I've not been on this website long but I have always fantasised about CTB.
I'm worried that the appeal derives from laziness as the main reason I want to is because I see zero point in living anymore.
In the rare occasions I feel content, the follow on thought is always that this feeling is 'not good enough to keep me alive'.
I feel so selfish thinking like this. I have such a kind, caring mother who has tried to help so much but she doesn't understand that there's genuinely nothing she can do.
i have to stop myself from thinking about how she'll feel after but i know it'll be beneficial for her in the long run. Im nearly twenty now and her life revolves around worrying about me. I hope she realises how much stress she'll be relieved from when i go.
Anyways, im ranting sorry.
After searching this website quite thoroughly, I've learnt just how difficult it is to CTB.
Do I really want to CTB if I haven't got an extravagant, in depth plan? I've seen so many people on here plan their way of leaving in such meticulous detail and structure that I feel as if I'm somehow doing ANOTHER thing wrong!
I didn't know it was even possible to be bad at CTB??
I guess I just want some confirmation that other people feel the same. I want to know that I have truly reached my lowest point and that this is the way out. I've had enough of trying and I know that I probably could feel temporarily happy but I'm not willing to put the effort in to get there or deal with feeling like this again.
I want nothing.

 

[tartvinegar]

There's no easy or pleasant way to die. CTB takes work and planning. It's definitely not like the movies where people die at the snap of a finger. And this is the biggest and most important thing you'll ever do, it should take time and planning.

 

[spicerymer]

There's no easy or pleasant way to die. CTB takes work and planning. It's definitely not like the movies where people die at the snap of a finger. And this is the biggest and most important thing you'll ever do, it should take time and planning.

What about the people who just shoot themselves in the head though? That's quick and easy (physically not psychologically easy).
Is it at least normal to want to be impulsive about it even if you know that isn't the best method?

 

[tartvinegar]

You would still need to obtain a gun, which is difficult for most people. If I had a gun, I would definitely not be present right now.

I've had several failed suicide attempts, the last 2 were only 2 weeks ago. I was and am extremely desperate to end everything, but here I am in anguish and pain, wishing I could die.

I tried jumping in front of a train, stood there for 6 hours, but SI really kicks in and is an unconscious and determined force that tried to keep you alive against your will.

I tried to overdose on a ton of pills, theoretically should have killed me, but I just ended up with severe nausea and vomitting and chest pain instead. I was so sick I couldn't move or walk or stand, had to take myself to the emergency room where they thought I had a virus from how sick I looked.

 

[spicerymer]

You would still need to obtain a gun, which is difficult for most people. If I had a gun, I would definitely not be present right now.

I've had several failed suicide attempts, the last 2 were only 2 weeks ago. I was and am extremely desperate to end everything, but here I am in anguish and pain, wishing I could die.

I tried jumping in front of a train, stood there for 6 hours, but SI really kicks in and is an unconscious and determined force that tried to keep you alive against your will.

I tried to overdose on a ton of pills, theoretically should have killed me, but I just ended up with severe nausea and vomitting and chest pain instead. I was so sick I couldn't move or walk or stand, had to take myself to the emergency room where they thought I had a virus from how sick I looked.

I'm so sorry that you haven't been able to pass easily or feel like you have a reason to continue.
Your resilience to CTB is admirable in itself. I'm not sure whether this is weird or unhelpful to say but I wish I had your resilience. To have failed and continued trying is something to be (weirdly) proud of.

 

[tartvinegar]

Thanks, I appreciate hearing that.

Like you, I've always had the urge to ctb, it wanes and waxes, but it's never gone away. Same for when I have a happy moment, I'm always conscious that it's fleeting and more pain will come.

 

[spicerymer]

Thanks, I appreciate hearing that.

Like you, I've always had the urge to ctb, it wanes and waxes, but it's never gone away. Same for when I have a happy moment, I'm always conscious that it's fleeting and more pain will come.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm able to feel happy in a 'distracted from feeling depressed' kinda way but I always have this underlying feeling of dread that no matter how good I might feel now, the other side is so much worse.
I'm willing to give up feeling happy to not feel anything at all

 

[tartvinegar]

I feel 1000% the same but always thought I was alone and abnormal for feeling that way

 

[spicerymer]

Ive always felt like if you "really" want to ctb its pretty clear and you kind of just know it? Its not womthing to do half assed anyway.

This is what I'm confused about. I really feel like I want to, there is no part of me that sees anything worth living for. But I've always struggled with starting something, I think it's linked to my ADHD where I just get frozen when I have to do something.
I know I have to do this because I have no other options. Or at least no other options I'm willing to put the effort into

I feel 1000% the same but always thought I was alone and abnormal for feeling that way

It's so nice to hear that you feel the same. I always feel so selfish for feeling like this. Like I do have things to be grateful for but nothing feels worth it yanno?

 

[zappynomore]

everything in life is hard. it might seem simple at first but when you really look at it things are always much harder than it seems. ctb is ironically just the same might seem easy but in reality needs planning etc to actually get it done.

 

[bajablastzero]

I bought a gun today. I never thought I'd be able to pass the background check with my mental health background but I did. Ive been waiting around to get the courage to do it but now I feel like I can't. It's driving me insane.

 

[Outofoptions1]

I bought a gun today. I never thought I'd be able to pass the background check with my mental health background but I did. Ive been waiting around to get the courage to do it but now I feel like I can't. It's driving me insane.

Lucky

 

[spicerymer]

I bought a gun today. I never thought I'd be able to pass the background check with my mental health background but I did. Ive been waiting around to get the courage to do it but now I feel like I can't. It's driving me insane.

It's a scary thing to do and is the biggest decision you'll make in your life so don't beat yourself up about not having the courage yet.
Just think to yourself, are you scared because you don't want to die? Sometimes having the physical option to CTB whenever you like is enough. You know that if things truly get beyond repair that you really do have the option now.
Maybe just keep trying to make it to another day and find comfort in knowing you have a very real option to leave if you need it.
Sending you hugs, it must be a really desperate time for you to have taken the step of buying the gun