Help Do I go back to my Friend?

[UnnervedCompany]

There is this person who has been both the worst and best things of my life the past couple months. I am currently in social isolation so I have not talked to him at all nor my friends but I plan to go back to people on November 30. I cannot figure out if I should maintain that friendship with him or not because my while of not talking to anyone has made my mind clear of things. I will list examples of him being a piece of shit and him being a nice person and you guys please give me advice regarding what I should do.


Pros: The first time I got really upset around him he comforted me, I have a ton of things to share and talk to him about, he is funny and I feel safe around him. He values me to an extreme amount that he begged me twice to talk to him after a fight. One time when I was feeling down he immediately told me to watch one of my favourite movies (The stranger by the shore) together.


Cons: He gaslight me, he emotionally manipulated me for attention when he broke up with his gf, he threatened to block me and end the friendship cause I was extremely hollow in conversations and somewhat clingy (when I was depressed not normally). He has internalized homophobia or maybe he is homophobic himself and he makes me feel stigmatized regarding my sexuality. He told me one time "I would never date the likes of you" and I still do not know why he said that and it isn't because he doesn't have an attraction to men, he's bi (the context is that a week before we both admitted to having feelings for one another and he said he didn't want to commit). He judges my actions. I one time told him I wanted to talk to him regarding something good at a later time and then he blamed me about not being able to work since he was thinking about my good news the entire time and then said "I am disappointed" so I sent him a voice message at 2 am apologizing and then he replied with "Your forgiven" instead of anything friendly like "it's okay or it's not a big deal or don't worry about it." He was emotionally cheating on his girlfriend through me and I did not realize it because I was dumb. He would call me cute and would say things like "I thought about you first thing when I woke up." He would also just cheat on her with girls on snap but that isn't relevant to me but it does send a precedent to what type of person he is. He made fun of me being emotional twice and made me feel ashamed for having feelings towards him to begin with even though he liked me first and confessed first?????? I don't even know what is in his head.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am somewhat leaning towards telling him of his faults and ending the friendship but I want you guys advice.

 

[-Link-]

This person sounds very unhealthy for you.

I'd think about why you'd consider going back to somebody who treats you like this.

If you want to do some reading on this subject, I'd look at the term "trauma bonding." This is when someone forms an emotional attachment to another person through a cycle of abusive behaviour. Whatever form the abuse takes (mistreatment, punishment, rejection, withholding affection, manipulation, etc.), it's interspersed with occasional positive reinforcement which plays into the brain's rewards system, making them feel increasingly dependent and attached to the other person.

It sounds like you know that this person has a toxic effect on you but that you're also struggling with the urge to go back to him. If this urge is only a product of a cycle of abusive behaviour, then this would be a false desire.

I am somewhat leaning towards telling him of his faults

Say whatever you feel you need to say, but I'd also keep in mind: The more you delve into explaining yourself, the more opportunity he will have to lure you back in. So, if you have a conversation to "end the friendship," be prepared to deal with possible strong urges to go back to him, even amidst intentions of ending contact.

 

[UnnervedCompany]

This person sounds very unhealthy for you.

I'd think about why you'd consider going back to somebody who treats you like this.

If you want to do some reading on this subject, I'd look at the term "trauma bonding." This is when someone forms an emotional attachment to another person through a cycle of abusive behaviour. Whatever form the abuse takes (mistreatment, punishment, rejection, withholding affection, manipulation, etc.), it's interspersed with occasional positive reinforcement which plays into the brain's rewards system, making them feel increasingly dependent and attached to the other person.

It sounds like you know that this person has a toxic effect on you but that you're also struggling with the urge to go back to him. If this urge is only a product of a cycle of abusive behaviour, then this would be a false desire.


Say whatever you feel you need to say, but I'd also keep in mind: The more you delve into explaining yourself, the more opportunity he will have to lure you back in. So, if you have a conversation to "end the friendship," be prepared to deal with possible strong urges to go back to him, even amidst intentions of ending contact.

It feels like I got bitch slapped to be woken up with your response, sheesh. But honestly it may be what I need. My other friends have been telling me he's toxic for so long but I was blind or maybe because I desired for their claims to be false. I will look into this trauma bonding to see if it is what is going through me and figure out if it was intentional by him since he does have a degree in psychology. Also I was looking up my gallery on my laptop and found out he texted me one time saying "I like that you are so pure" and it made me fucking want to vomit since he said that in the first week of us knowing each other and while he still had his gf. Bruh I am blind as shit.

I already had removed him from my life twice even when I did not notice any of the negative effects so maybe this time it will be a lot easier (hopefully).

 

[Life_and_Death]

pros/cons is something used often in dbt therapy, and personally, seeing how much bigger your con section is in comparison to the pro section is a red flag for me (and thats without even going into the specifics of what was said)
ive got to agree with @-Link-, if this person cared about you at all they wouldnt be doing that. especially the second part. at least if they are bi themselves its possible theyre externalizing their own issues (oh well, people make fun of me so im gonna be defensive, sort of thing). not that that makes it acceptable, but understandable. even if thats all everything is, just him unable to deal with his own issues, thats not your problem. what is your problem is your emotions and your issues.

if youve already gone this long without engaging with them (talking), i wouldnt go back to it. not even for an explanation. especially if hes purposefully cheating and whatnot, hes aware of his actions, just doesnt care.

one of the biggest lessons im probably learning in my recovery is silence. yes, im emotional and want to tell you what happened, but i know the outcome. im just wasting my breath and my energy on someone that doesnt deserve it.

 

[-Link-]

I will look into this trauma bonding to see if it is what is going through me and figure out if it was intentional by him since he does have a degree in psychology.

The overall pattern might not involve a malicious intent. It's possible he could be dealing with his own serious inner demons that just happen to manifest with an outwardly toxic effect on people around him.

But in a pattern like this, and looking at some of the examples you noted here, you can basically guarantee that some individual comments or actions have been done in a deliberate effort to hurt you (for whatever reason), or at least with full awareness of how hurtful they could be received.

It feels like I got bitch slapped to be woken up with your response, sheesh.

The position you're in with this -- it's not your fault.

It's the nature of this behaviour (in particular, the emotional manipulation) that it lulls you into a feeling of safety with them despite all the mistreatment. You see the good in them, you want them to be good, and you want the situation to get better. This is natural for anybody in a tumultuous friendship or relationship. But every time they throw you a bit of positive reinforcement, it triggers these hopes and good feelings and makes you think, "OK, maybe they've really changed this time." It makes it very hard to pull away from them.