DonTellMeToStayAlive
Student
- Jan 18, 2019
- 129
How many more methods must i gain access to,
how many more philosophy circlejerks must i read,
how many resources and guides must i go through,
how many goodbyes must i write
Please Forgive the impromptu attempt at shitty poetry. But it does seem like i couldn't kill myself if my life depended on it.
I have the privilege of access to effective methods and the privacy to implement them. What I don't have are the guts to take the plunge.
A drink
A jump
A kick to the chair
A cut
A knot
That is all it takes. But I seem stuck, psychologically trapped, unable to go past the point of no return. I am scared
Of what, idk. But I cant commit fully to it.
Last time i tried a lithium od I vomited it out.
A couple months after that I tried a hanging. But I couldn't get myself to do it. But i wanted to do it. I put a plastic bag to my head, thinking it should expedite the suicide,
It didnt. I got anxious. I saw things. Had visions or what I dont even know. Few concrete things, but I was disturbed
. dare i say traumatised. I took off the plastic bag and tried to get the courage to do the hanging proper. I couldnt. I saw more things, vague and difficult to describe even then, interspersed with some describables like my parents, some friends and some seemingly random people like old schoolmates
. i was disturbed. Traumatised, if I may say that. After more than an hour that felt like multiple, I gave up.
I repeat, but I was disturbed. Scared, just.
I don't know what drove me to it. But i sat on the computer and searched for horror/creepy/true crime/mystery videos . consumed them blindly, mindlessly. Was even more disturbed
. didn't turn off lights of my bedroom for
Five months or so, i was that disturbed.
Word of advice to would-be attempters: Don't "try", to attempt. Either do it, or don't. Trying might traumatise you, and dissuade you from further attempts.
I don't know how this post started, but I have likely veered very off-topic.
Today, I cannot get myself to try again. Whatever method it may be, i cannot try again. Psychologically trapped. Scared.
Unable to get out of bed and take a bath. But unable to kill myself. Unable to just
I have so much privilege, yet i cannot do it. What more could i ask for ? The medicine is bitter, but one has to gulp it down, don't they ? Do I need someone to spoonfeed it to me, do i need someone to shoot me in the back when I am not looking (idk if that males sense, it likely doesn't).
I am too incompetent to live, too incompetent to die.
As I fade away, maybe someone would(or should?) Ask the question: "who taught this mf how to read and write ?Who have them a computer with internet access?"
Forgive me
how many more philosophy circlejerks must i read,
how many resources and guides must i go through,
how many goodbyes must i write
Please Forgive the impromptu attempt at shitty poetry. But it does seem like i couldn't kill myself if my life depended on it.
I have the privilege of access to effective methods and the privacy to implement them. What I don't have are the guts to take the plunge.
A drink
A jump
A kick to the chair
A cut
A knot
That is all it takes. But I seem stuck, psychologically trapped, unable to go past the point of no return. I am scared
Of what, idk. But I cant commit fully to it.
Last time i tried a lithium od I vomited it out.
A couple months after that I tried a hanging. But I couldn't get myself to do it. But i wanted to do it. I put a plastic bag to my head, thinking it should expedite the suicide,
It didnt. I got anxious. I saw things. Had visions or what I dont even know. Few concrete things, but I was disturbed
. dare i say traumatised. I took off the plastic bag and tried to get the courage to do the hanging proper. I couldnt. I saw more things, vague and difficult to describe even then, interspersed with some describables like my parents, some friends and some seemingly random people like old schoolmates
. i was disturbed. Traumatised, if I may say that. After more than an hour that felt like multiple, I gave up.
I repeat, but I was disturbed. Scared, just.
I don't know what drove me to it. But i sat on the computer and searched for horror/creepy/true crime/mystery videos . consumed them blindly, mindlessly. Was even more disturbed
. didn't turn off lights of my bedroom for
Five months or so, i was that disturbed.
Word of advice to would-be attempters: Don't "try", to attempt. Either do it, or don't. Trying might traumatise you, and dissuade you from further attempts.
I don't know how this post started, but I have likely veered very off-topic.
Today, I cannot get myself to try again. Whatever method it may be, i cannot try again. Psychologically trapped. Scared.
Unable to get out of bed and take a bath. But unable to kill myself. Unable to just
I have so much privilege, yet i cannot do it. What more could i ask for ? The medicine is bitter, but one has to gulp it down, don't they ? Do I need someone to spoonfeed it to me, do i need someone to shoot me in the back when I am not looking (idk if that males sense, it likely doesn't).
I am too incompetent to live, too incompetent to die.
As I fade away, maybe someone would(or should?) Ask the question: "who taught this mf how to read and write ?Who have them a computer with internet access?"
Forgive me
