![greyblue_bian](/data/avatars/l/40/40378.jpg?1723090700)
greyblue_bian
2x Failed CTB Member
- Jun 10, 2022
- 162
Sorry this is really long, I've just been wanting to share and find people for some perspective.
I'm just wondering as I've been going through emotional/mental abuse my whole life if not anything else and I recently had this happen again with my now ex-boyfriend. He apologized but then said it was my fault for everything he did because I felt like he "saved me" since I was trying to CTB before we met and that I don't think I could handle him leaving me and that I needed him. The mistreatment started before this, but I genuinely feel like it's my fault for letting myself get to that point.
He said a lot of stuff like me wanting to talk about our relationship problems made him want to die and that he was going to beat me if I kept bringing up if he was talking to someone else if we could talk about things. He called me delusional and insecure and insane during arguments because I was confronting his behavior because it looked like he was talking to someone else and a bitch (over the phone)(jokingly I guess) early on in the relationship because I wanted to break up since he wasn't making as much time for me as before. He would randomly call me a dummy or a loser and I had stopped eating for a couple of weeks before I ultimately found out he was actually cheating for a little more than half the time we were together and then I also found out he was lying about how old he was and he said it was because he was insecure.
There were a few attempts of me trying to break up and he would say that we were doing fine and that I should just stop overthinking and sometimes he would say he was done with me but never broke up with me. After he made that "joke" about beating me, I broke up with him but then just ran right back to him.
While we were together, he also ghosted me a few times and told me he was just going through a lot and didn't feel like being on his phone and needed time alone but would never tell me before hand and then would tell me it was because he had schizophrenia and told me he only called me things because he's schizophrenic and he can't control it when he's angry. He removed me from his IG and said he didn't want to be seen for the same reason but let other people follow him and he was following other girls (and this was highly exclusive because he only had 2 followers and one of them was his other account and followed 4 girls he knew personally and eventually there was someone new). While we were together, I also started cutting when he told me that me wanting to have a serious discussion made him want to die but in the same exact conversation, he was asking me for t*t pics.
Eventually, I would start crying over the phone asking him to just be nice to me and would ask to just talk and he would ignore me the entire time and mute himself or get angry and say he was really tired for work and he just wanted to sleep. Eventually when he started ghosting me and ignored my calls and messages and just hung up on me, I would blow up his phone with stuff I was finding out and stuff I was seeing him doing when he told me he wasn't on his phone and when he said he was too busy to talk. When I did "break up" with him that one time, he messaged me asking "
Am I an abuser? " and I said no because I didn't want to believe I would actually allow myself to be abused (again) by someone else besides my family and other people I knew before him. I think now that I see the effects that everything he did to me has had on me, it's obvious that it was but it has been really hard to admit it. Maybe I just have too much pride. He has made it obvious he only cares about how he feels and doesn't really care about how I feel.
I got really angry after I found out he was cheating and said he was being vain and that he should stop messing with me, and I meant what I said, he was only concerned about himself and didn't give a shit about me at all, but I feel really bad for getting pissed.
I tried being friendly and open with the girl he cheated with, but she would act hot and cold and then he told me she asked him if she was prettier than me right after we found out. I didn't believe him but that's when she started acting hot and cold but would tell me we're cool and that she just felt like I kept ending the conversation when we could talk so I thought we were cool after that. Followed each other on socials and then she removed me as a follower and kept following me and then I confronted it and she said nothing was going on and then she kept stalking me account after that. I had to delete my account after that.
I recently had to deal with this again as I was pretty sure my ex and one of his female friends were stalking and posting about me and the stuff they'd seen on my public account. He said it wasn't either of them but then a minute later his friend took down a post. He came back just to mess with me and asked me if I was okay and I thought he was genuinely wondering if he was concerned but then he continued to mess with me and then made me feel bad for questioning his intentions. This was like a few days ago. I tried to ignore the question at first because I already had a minor anxiety attack just having to message him about the posts but I thought he wanted to talk and leave things on a better note but obviously I was wrong.
I go in and out of trying to figure out if this entire thing was my fault and I feel terrible about it and now it's hard to admit, but I really loved him a lot and did everything I could to make sure he knew I genuinely loved him and wanted something good and healthy with him and sometimes, I miss the possibility of us still being together and so I feel like I ruined my chance at being happy with him.
Please can anyone give me input on this situation as I genuinely can't seem to move on from feeling so many things at once because of this and need more help or just someone who relates to this. Thank you for reading to the end of you did.
I'm just wondering as I've been going through emotional/mental abuse my whole life if not anything else and I recently had this happen again with my now ex-boyfriend. He apologized but then said it was my fault for everything he did because I felt like he "saved me" since I was trying to CTB before we met and that I don't think I could handle him leaving me and that I needed him. The mistreatment started before this, but I genuinely feel like it's my fault for letting myself get to that point.
He said a lot of stuff like me wanting to talk about our relationship problems made him want to die and that he was going to beat me if I kept bringing up if he was talking to someone else if we could talk about things. He called me delusional and insecure and insane during arguments because I was confronting his behavior because it looked like he was talking to someone else and a bitch (over the phone)(jokingly I guess) early on in the relationship because I wanted to break up since he wasn't making as much time for me as before. He would randomly call me a dummy or a loser and I had stopped eating for a couple of weeks before I ultimately found out he was actually cheating for a little more than half the time we were together and then I also found out he was lying about how old he was and he said it was because he was insecure.
There were a few attempts of me trying to break up and he would say that we were doing fine and that I should just stop overthinking and sometimes he would say he was done with me but never broke up with me. After he made that "joke" about beating me, I broke up with him but then just ran right back to him.
While we were together, he also ghosted me a few times and told me he was just going through a lot and didn't feel like being on his phone and needed time alone but would never tell me before hand and then would tell me it was because he had schizophrenia and told me he only called me things because he's schizophrenic and he can't control it when he's angry. He removed me from his IG and said he didn't want to be seen for the same reason but let other people follow him and he was following other girls (and this was highly exclusive because he only had 2 followers and one of them was his other account and followed 4 girls he knew personally and eventually there was someone new). While we were together, I also started cutting when he told me that me wanting to have a serious discussion made him want to die but in the same exact conversation, he was asking me for t*t pics.
Eventually, I would start crying over the phone asking him to just be nice to me and would ask to just talk and he would ignore me the entire time and mute himself or get angry and say he was really tired for work and he just wanted to sleep. Eventually when he started ghosting me and ignored my calls and messages and just hung up on me, I would blow up his phone with stuff I was finding out and stuff I was seeing him doing when he told me he wasn't on his phone and when he said he was too busy to talk. When I did "break up" with him that one time, he messaged me asking "
![Sad but relieved face :disappointed_relieved: ๐ฅ](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f625.png)
I got really angry after I found out he was cheating and said he was being vain and that he should stop messing with me, and I meant what I said, he was only concerned about himself and didn't give a shit about me at all, but I feel really bad for getting pissed.
I tried being friendly and open with the girl he cheated with, but she would act hot and cold and then he told me she asked him if she was prettier than me right after we found out. I didn't believe him but that's when she started acting hot and cold but would tell me we're cool and that she just felt like I kept ending the conversation when we could talk so I thought we were cool after that. Followed each other on socials and then she removed me as a follower and kept following me and then I confronted it and she said nothing was going on and then she kept stalking me account after that. I had to delete my account after that.
I recently had to deal with this again as I was pretty sure my ex and one of his female friends were stalking and posting about me and the stuff they'd seen on my public account. He said it wasn't either of them but then a minute later his friend took down a post. He came back just to mess with me and asked me if I was okay and I thought he was genuinely wondering if he was concerned but then he continued to mess with me and then made me feel bad for questioning his intentions. This was like a few days ago. I tried to ignore the question at first because I already had a minor anxiety attack just having to message him about the posts but I thought he wanted to talk and leave things on a better note but obviously I was wrong.
I go in and out of trying to figure out if this entire thing was my fault and I feel terrible about it and now it's hard to admit, but I really loved him a lot and did everything I could to make sure he knew I genuinely loved him and wanted something good and healthy with him and sometimes, I miss the possibility of us still being together and so I feel like I ruined my chance at being happy with him.
Please can anyone give me input on this situation as I genuinely can't seem to move on from feeling so many things at once because of this and need more help or just someone who relates to this. Thank you for reading to the end of you did.