Sweet emotion
Enlightened
- Sep 14, 2019
- 1,325
Whether it's being scared or angry by something does anyone ever needlessly overreact? I do. From being in pain for 14 years with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome and never being told one bit of good news and finding myself in compromising situations, I'm always terrified. I know some if you may have read my post about the fight I had with my mother and how she caused me extreme pain in my arm and hand which now has traveled to my back and shoulder. It's a nerve disease. I flew off the handle way too quickly and became erratic. She told me to calm down and not get upset until we talked to my doctor and when I talked to him on Monday everything turned out to be fine. I feel like the biggest fool for overreacting the way I did but after 14 years your mind always goes to the negative. And you think up every possible horrible scenario that can go wrong.
The relationship with my mother and me now is non existent. Even if she apologized I don't think I could accept her apology for hurting me when she knows how bad my condition is. She won't even look at me in the face. Our apartment is silent. I tried talking to her last night but she kept telling me to shut up over and over. That I would wake the neighbors. But it's fine when they wake me right? She got so evil again. I tried to talk to her today. What she did to me has made me beyond depressed and I'm in my bed all day under the covers. I don't want to come out. I told her today I don't think I can do this anymore and I got no response. I tried to talk with her a little more but it was like talking to the wall. I think she's happy we aren't talking because she so sick of me. She said she hurt me and now there's nothing she can do about it so why talk about it? IDK maybe to get some closure or resolution?!?!? But her old ways came out again. I'm so tired of always making the first move to apologize even when I've done nothing wrong. I as yelling and crying but is that any reason to almost break my arm? Sometimes she makes me feel like I deserve it and she is always ready to give me the old I told you so. She likes to kick people when they're down. I'm heartbroken because we always had a wonderful relationship. I was able to tell her anything and she always did anything she could to help me but now it seems like she just wants me dead. People don't believe me when I tell them she hates me because how could a mother hate their child? Well a lot of them do. This is kind of the straw that has broke the camel's back for me. I can't use my right hand or arm and my back is alive with nerve pain and well as he right side of my chest. This disease makes it spread like that. So that's why I'm just so baffled as why she would want to hurt me like this. She will hear me crying and ignore me. I'm just ignored now. She never wants to sit down and resolve the problem and talk about ways to not have them happen again. And all her promises are broken ones. The only other relative I gave is my grandfather and my aunt. My grandfather is 85 and would never be able to care for me. He has a lot of pain problems himself and is losing his memory. My aunt has her own family and her own life. She knows what my mother did to me last Thursday and hasn't texted or called once to see how I am. My Pop calls every day. He loves me too much but he's the old school tough Italian type that never says it. But he shows it alright. And there are many people that say I love you like my dad did but never really showed it. So words don't meant a thing unless they're backed up by actions. I just want things to be the way they were before my mother and I had this argument. I was upset with her for saying something in my doctors office and I flew off the handle too fast. I hate myself. I don't know how people work up the courage to end their lives and when I tell you I have more respect for them than anyone else I'm not joking. It's terrified. I keep making plans but I get scared. If my mother feels no love for me and I'm not able to forgive her because she basically paralyzed the right side of my upper body. I'm so depressed I don't get out of bed. I'll sleep all day and then wake up at 9 at night and that is even more depressing. How do you work up the nerve to kill yourself? This is why I wish I had money so I could pay someone to shoot me in the back if the head maybe three time but with a silencer on the gun so I don't hear a thing. I know it would be over before j even heard it but since I have ear pain it would calm me nerves.
There is this quote by Tennessee Williams
"A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages"
That reminds me of us. How we want to live so badly but our bodies and our minds hold us prisoner. I wish peace to all of you.
The relationship with my mother and me now is non existent. Even if she apologized I don't think I could accept her apology for hurting me when she knows how bad my condition is. She won't even look at me in the face. Our apartment is silent. I tried talking to her last night but she kept telling me to shut up over and over. That I would wake the neighbors. But it's fine when they wake me right? She got so evil again. I tried to talk to her today. What she did to me has made me beyond depressed and I'm in my bed all day under the covers. I don't want to come out. I told her today I don't think I can do this anymore and I got no response. I tried to talk with her a little more but it was like talking to the wall. I think she's happy we aren't talking because she so sick of me. She said she hurt me and now there's nothing she can do about it so why talk about it? IDK maybe to get some closure or resolution?!?!? But her old ways came out again. I'm so tired of always making the first move to apologize even when I've done nothing wrong. I as yelling and crying but is that any reason to almost break my arm? Sometimes she makes me feel like I deserve it and she is always ready to give me the old I told you so. She likes to kick people when they're down. I'm heartbroken because we always had a wonderful relationship. I was able to tell her anything and she always did anything she could to help me but now it seems like she just wants me dead. People don't believe me when I tell them she hates me because how could a mother hate their child? Well a lot of them do. This is kind of the straw that has broke the camel's back for me. I can't use my right hand or arm and my back is alive with nerve pain and well as he right side of my chest. This disease makes it spread like that. So that's why I'm just so baffled as why she would want to hurt me like this. She will hear me crying and ignore me. I'm just ignored now. She never wants to sit down and resolve the problem and talk about ways to not have them happen again. And all her promises are broken ones. The only other relative I gave is my grandfather and my aunt. My grandfather is 85 and would never be able to care for me. He has a lot of pain problems himself and is losing his memory. My aunt has her own family and her own life. She knows what my mother did to me last Thursday and hasn't texted or called once to see how I am. My Pop calls every day. He loves me too much but he's the old school tough Italian type that never says it. But he shows it alright. And there are many people that say I love you like my dad did but never really showed it. So words don't meant a thing unless they're backed up by actions. I just want things to be the way they were before my mother and I had this argument. I was upset with her for saying something in my doctors office and I flew off the handle too fast. I hate myself. I don't know how people work up the courage to end their lives and when I tell you I have more respect for them than anyone else I'm not joking. It's terrified. I keep making plans but I get scared. If my mother feels no love for me and I'm not able to forgive her because she basically paralyzed the right side of my upper body. I'm so depressed I don't get out of bed. I'll sleep all day and then wake up at 9 at night and that is even more depressing. How do you work up the nerve to kill yourself? This is why I wish I had money so I could pay someone to shoot me in the back if the head maybe three time but with a silencer on the gun so I don't hear a thing. I know it would be over before j even heard it but since I have ear pain it would calm me nerves.
There is this quote by Tennessee Williams
"A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages"
That reminds me of us. How we want to live so badly but our bodies and our minds hold us prisoner. I wish peace to all of you.
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