Help Divorce

[Life_and_Death]

How do you know it's right for you?

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. He's just starting to be able to deal with me and even then I still can't sometimes.

Before he started understanding he said if I ever need anything to just ask. But every fucking time I asked for help with the housework it would turn into an argument. And now he's understanding sort of. Idk. He still does things that piss me off. Like today I watched him throw a candy wrapper in a basket I'm using for arts and crafts and there was a garbage bag RIGHT BEHIND HIM. And I told him I have mental disorders. He knows these things he knows my stories he knows my problems. And for a while I just.... Idk my mind is drawing a blank but basically if have sex even though I didn't want to. So recently I explained to him that I'm just not always interested and he said ok. But ever since then he says it's cool but then makes comments are remarks that infers to me that its totally not. And I'm not sure if it's him or me but every now and again literally everything he does pisses me off. I can't even stand the way he talks. But he can't admit he has a problem or anything. However he has no fucking problem saying everyone has mental disorders but if you ask him he's the ONLY ONE THAT FUCKING DOESNT. I'm getting really sick of all this bullshit. I love him but I don't want to keep doing this. Idk if my disorders are seeing things that aren't there or if he's the problem but I NEED it to stop. And no amount of talking seems to be helping. And he doesn't listen to me. Got forbid I have an idea or something "that won't work" well can't we at least fucking try it holy fuck!
I'm basically looking at 1) wait for the therapist maybe there's an answer maybe it is me and its fixable 2) just blaming myself because I'm not sure who's fault it really is and just leaving..... Somehow..... I don't have a place to go or anything

 

[Deleted member 19654]

I can't really comment on whether divorce is an option because I'm probably not the best person for that sort of relationship advice. Your mental disorders may possibly have a factor in making you see things in a certain way but it doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid. I get that talking to someone who won't listen is like talking to a brick wall. Is couples therapy an option? It takes two to tango and you both need to be on the same page so the problem isn't all your fault so I wouldn't blame yourself.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I can't really comment on whether divorce is an option because I'm probably not the best person for that sort of relationship advice. Your mental disorders may possibly have a factor in making you see things in a certain way but it doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid. I get that talking to someone who won't listen is like talking to a brick wall. Is couples therapy an option? It takes two to tango and you both need to be on the same page so the problem isn't all your fault so I wouldn't blame yourself.

That's kinda the problem I'm having. I'm not sure if it is me but if it is just me I don't want to make my feelings not valid because that's not very healthy but I don't want to keep doing this. Before he was totally against it "we might as well just break up" was his answer for everything. But if I remember correctly I think he's warming up to the idea of it. I can mention it

 

[Deleted member 19654]

If you're not being listened to and when you do try to talk things out and nothing changes, then it's not just you. At the end of the day, you need to make the decision that's best for you and your mental health.

 

[timf]

When a person reaches a point where almost every action of another causes a reflexive critical reaction, many just consider ending the relationship. However, sometimes one can find that moving on to another relationship one encounters similar problems. To avoid this situation, it can be helpful to review how one got to the point of frustration.

If a relationship started with passion and affection and came to an intolerance of almost any comment or action, one might benefit from learning what happened to cause this change. It is human nature to see in the other person the fault for everything that goes wrong.

A writer once commented on the process of collaborative writing that as long as both people are willing to do 80% of the work, the collaboration will be successful. By this he meant that each person thinks he is doing most of the work and if they are OK with that, then there can be harmony.

In a relationship, if one person measures the performance of the other and sees a lack of equity, justice, or fairness it can start a root of bitterness. This often begins in an environment where one thinks more in terms of what one can or should get rather than what one can give. This can lead to attempting to control and correct the other person which often leads to feeling hurt and wanting to return hurt.

Much of the trouble in relationships comes from the natural tendency to ascribe motive to actions. For example the candy wrapper tossed into your art basket is an action. One can ascribe motives such as;

1. Isn't that cute, he is so lost in thought he mistook my art basket as a wastepaper basket.
2. He must be worried about something to be so distracted.
3. I wish he would be more careful about throwing things away.
4. I can't believe he expects me to clean up after him.
5. His throwing trash in my art basket is an intentional statement of contempt for my very being.

A relationship can be difficult to repair even when both parties participate. If only one party see a problem, it can be even more difficult. However, if one can remove feelings of hurt due to exaggerated perceived mal-intent, it can often slow down our tendency to reflexively say something hurtful and further damage a relationship. For example, simply asking why the candy wrapper was discarded in the art basket can be a useful response.

Our society has a very distorted view of love. Much of this has come from the popular songs of the 50s and 60s. Many associate love with the feelings of excitement, arousal, anticipation, expectation, and even lust that people can have. As a result, people often come to see themselves falling in and out of love almost as one might trade in a used car that one has grown tired of.

I understand that most people are disinclined towards Christianity. However, the bible gives an interesting definition of love:

Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not its own, is not provoked, taketh not account of evil; rejoiceth not in unrighteousness, but rejoiceth with the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

It is interesting with this definition in that feelings have little to do with love. It seems to be defined more in terms of choices that are made to forego self-interest. Feelings might be seen in this light more as a result than that which is sought.

If in a relationship neither person is seeking the interests of the other things can be difficult. Even when only one person seeks the benefit of the other, things can still be better. The payoff really comes when both people seek the good of the other.

I hope you can hang in there to make things work and have your husband become more active in seeking to show you kindness and affection. Most guys do not understand how much women need to express their thoughts. You may wish to ask him to set aside a period of ten minutes every day to ask you what you have been thinking. It seems a little artificial, but it can become a starting point and help him recognize how he can better show his concern for you.

 

[RC90]

How do you know it's right for you?

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. He's just starting to be able to deal with me and even then I still can't sometimes.

Before he started understanding he said if I ever need anything to just ask. But every fucking time I asked for help with the housework it would turn into an argument. And now he's understanding sort of. Idk. He still does things that piss me off. Like today I watched him throw a candy wrapper in a basket I'm using for arts and crafts and there was a garbage bag RIGHT BEHIND HIM. And I told him I have mental disorders. He knows these things he knows my stories he knows my problems. And for a while I just.... Idk my mind is drawing a blank but basically if have sex even though I didn't want to. So recently I explained to him that I'm just not always interested and he said ok. But ever since then he says it's cool but then makes comments are remarks that infers to me that its totally not. And I'm not sure if it's him or me but every now and again literally everything he does pisses me off. I can't even stand the way he talks. But he can't admit he has a problem or anything. However he has no fucking problem saying everyone has mental disorders but if you ask him he's the ONLY ONE THAT FUCKING DOESNT. I'm getting really sick of all this bullshit. I love him but I don't want to keep doing this. Idk if my disorders are seeing things that aren't there or if he's the problem but I NEED it to stop. And no amount of talking seems to be helping. And he doesn't listen to me. Got forbid I have an idea or something "that won't work" well can't we at least fucking try it holy fuck!
I'm basically looking at 1) wait for the therapist maybe there's an answer maybe it is me and its fixable 2) just blaming myself because I'm not sure who's fault it really is and just leaving..... Somehow..... I don't have a place to go or anything

Don't be mad at me, but at least you have someone. I would love to have a husband to just be there for me, that would help me a lot.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Since we've started talking more things haven't been as bad. But every now and again its just.... Idk. Idk if I'm going through a thing or if he is. And the last time it happened I tried asking him "hey sweetie are you ok?" it's always the same answer. I'm tired. I get that. We work a night time job but idk he actions almost feel like it's more then that. (also I saw it as a 4)

Don't be mad at me, but at least you have someone. I would love to have a husband to just be there for me, that would help me a lot.

Why would I be mad. Everyone has different situations. I'm just not sure what to do about mine.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I feel worse after talking about it.....

 

[Deleted member 19654]

To us or to your partner?

 

[Life_and_Death]

Partner. We mostly talked about the sex thing. But it feels wrong. He's my husband why is this a problem uuuuugh. I just feel like I shouldn't have a reason to tell him no but I do

 

[Cherrypea]

I can so relate to this, I especially relate to this comment 'His throwing trash in my art basket is an intentional statement of contempt for my very being'. Yes why can't he think and have more respect for me. I'm irritated by his very presence (and working from home, hardly ever leaves the frigging house) but I really want a loving relationship with him (he wants this) and don't know why I can't.