I have an amazing therapist. I love her, no issues with her whatsoever. I trust her. She makes me laugh and has been incredibly supportive through my marriage struggles and exploring my childhood (and more recent) trauma.
She knows my depression, anxiety, and PTSD have all worsened lately. So I cancelled one appointment, and then emailed her a couple days later to cancel the following week. She was very concerned and said that was not like me and asked if I was okay and if she and I were okay. I told her she is great and nothing could change my view of her about that. But I think I just need to quit therapy. And she kind of freaked out and asked for at least a wrap-up session with me. So I agreed. She knows about my SI and some of my other poor coping mechanisms. Her initial comment when she logged on (video session) was to gently ask how I was, rather than her usual "Hey justagirl!! What's up??" And when I replied "good, how're you?" she just teared up and said she was very worried about me. And that she was happy to see me there, but that she could see I'm not okay. Throughout that session, she cried as much as me. I told her that my death wouldn't be on her. Which is why I was terminating our therapeutic relationship. To protect her. And that there is nothing she could say or do to fix me. And it isn't her fault. And she cried even harder and said that she appreciates that I was looking out for her, but that she would have a very very hard time accepting my death. And she asked that if I do end up doing something, to reach out to her and let her know beforehand so she can talk to me, or at least so she doesn't find out via the news.
We have bonded a ton. We have a lot of very (almost eerily) similar life experiences, including graduating from the same high school halfway across the country after moving to that town during our freshman year of high school (she graduated years before me, so we never lived in the same town at the same time). We have tons of inside jokes. We have both admitted that our relationship blurs the lines of ethics because we really hit it off as friends.
How do I help her come to terms with the fact that I cannot be fixed? She knows that for me CTB is a matter of time, whether it's next week or in fifty years, but that I will CTB eventually. I think my recent complete breakdown that she actually witnessed has made it more real, though.
I am very lucky and thankful that she is not the kind of therapist who will report me to police or send me to the psych hospital, because she does not want to alienate me or further harm my view of therapists. I respect and appreciate that, but I don't want to leave her burdened when I do go.
My spouse has agreed that she will reach out to my therapist herself and gently break the news "if" it happens (my spouse is very much against the idea, despite her knowing for over 10 years that it was a matter of time before I CTB, and being reminded throughout our relationship). I just want to leave as little of an impact as possible. How can I best distance myself from my therapist given the relationship we have built?
She knows my depression, anxiety, and PTSD have all worsened lately. So I cancelled one appointment, and then emailed her a couple days later to cancel the following week. She was very concerned and said that was not like me and asked if I was okay and if she and I were okay. I told her she is great and nothing could change my view of her about that. But I think I just need to quit therapy. And she kind of freaked out and asked for at least a wrap-up session with me. So I agreed. She knows about my SI and some of my other poor coping mechanisms. Her initial comment when she logged on (video session) was to gently ask how I was, rather than her usual "Hey justagirl!! What's up??" And when I replied "good, how're you?" she just teared up and said she was very worried about me. And that she was happy to see me there, but that she could see I'm not okay. Throughout that session, she cried as much as me. I told her that my death wouldn't be on her. Which is why I was terminating our therapeutic relationship. To protect her. And that there is nothing she could say or do to fix me. And it isn't her fault. And she cried even harder and said that she appreciates that I was looking out for her, but that she would have a very very hard time accepting my death. And she asked that if I do end up doing something, to reach out to her and let her know beforehand so she can talk to me, or at least so she doesn't find out via the news.
We have bonded a ton. We have a lot of very (almost eerily) similar life experiences, including graduating from the same high school halfway across the country after moving to that town during our freshman year of high school (she graduated years before me, so we never lived in the same town at the same time). We have tons of inside jokes. We have both admitted that our relationship blurs the lines of ethics because we really hit it off as friends.
How do I help her come to terms with the fact that I cannot be fixed? She knows that for me CTB is a matter of time, whether it's next week or in fifty years, but that I will CTB eventually. I think my recent complete breakdown that she actually witnessed has made it more real, though.
I am very lucky and thankful that she is not the kind of therapist who will report me to police or send me to the psych hospital, because she does not want to alienate me or further harm my view of therapists. I respect and appreciate that, but I don't want to leave her burdened when I do go.
My spouse has agreed that she will reach out to my therapist herself and gently break the news "if" it happens (my spouse is very much against the idea, despite her knowing for over 10 years that it was a matter of time before I CTB, and being reminded throughout our relationship). I just want to leave as little of an impact as possible. How can I best distance myself from my therapist given the relationship we have built?
