Venting Dissociations; Nothing is Real, It's All A Dream ༉‧₊˚✧

[CicisDoingUnwell]

☆ ── ꒰ (𝑪 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈...)

""HEY! What the Hell Are You Doing?!" Someone yelled after me when I accidentally almost ran into a streetcar while dissociating. I flipped back to reality - still wasn't quite there but, definetly in a place to realise, that I could have gotten hit."

--- I have those experiences quite often, although not always to such an extent that I run into a packed street.

My body and mind don't exist on the same level. - Sometime my mind dosen't exist. Sometimes my Body doesn't exist.
I don't feel any physical pain. I don't feel any emotional pain.

Especially during a flashback phase, due to my PTSD, I feel extremely empty when I dissociate.
All the violence and neglect that has happened over the years is suddenly gone...
I feel nothing but... emptiness.

I have completely lost my identity over the years. I might know my name (even sometimes not even that), how old I am, where I live... but even these things, are very often just... gone.

There are moment where I can't find home, where I don't know what actually happend the last hours. Did I actually went to work, or... did I just... missed it?

I simply don't remeber. Anything. Blank spots.

☆ ── 𝑩𝒚𝒆; 𝑪! ꒱

 

[Pale_Rider]

It's takes a lot of stress for me to start blacking out life data, but it does happen. [ ive been reacquiring lost data for over a year now. Maybe two. That's been most of my problem. I have to relive them again. It's like I teleported 8 years into the future ] ] I can't tell you I'm not real, or we aren't real because we are. We can, and do interface with humanities globally perceived view of reality, and self. I also can't say too much, because much of our internal operations is classified. That I can say. As far as interpersonal relationships they will always fail, because at best we come off as disingenuous at best. Outright aggressive at worst. One truth I know is the damage is done. We are what we are, and there is no fixing it.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

It's takes a lot of stress for me to start blacking out life data, but it does happen. [ ive been reacquiring lost data for over a year now. Maybe two. That's been most of my problem. I have to relive them again. It's like I teleported 8 years into the future ] ] I can't tell you I'm not real, or we aren't real because we are. We can, and do interface with humanities globally perceived view of reality, and self. I also can't say too much, because much of our internal operations is classified. That I can say. As far as interpersonal relationships they will always fail, because at best we come off as disingenuous at best. Outright aggressive at worst. One truth I know is the damage is done. We are what we are, and there is no fixing it.

(...)

This is so poetry, in love with that. <3

"I also can't say too much, because much of our internal operations is classified." - MY PTSD in dissociations is screaming.

"We are what we are, and there is no fixing it." - This also >>
FINALLY someone who understands...
its like so unberable to talk about trauma and stuff that happend and trying to recall memory. All people always said to me: It gets better if you have access... IT DOESN'T. It got so worse now, no worry I could actually get hit by a car. xd

(...)

 

[Pale_Rider]

(...)

This is so poetry, in love with that. <3

"I also can't say too much, because much of our internal operations is classified." - MY PTSD in dissociations is screaming.

"We are what we are, and there is no fixing it." - This also >>
FINALLY someone who understands...
its like so unberable to talk about trauma and stuff that happend and trying to recall memory. All people always said to me: It gets better if you have access... IT DOESN'T. It got so worse now, no worry I could actaully get hit by a car. xd

(...)

When they forcefully showed me what I am I feel like if I could have split again I would have, but then I blocked it for the better part of a decade. The uneasy feeling like torrential rain in my soul remained. My head was spinning. Slowly its I've been reliving these things.
Agree 100 percent. When it does get better we have , or at least I have more horror to face. We have switching and the alienating effects on those around us my freind. Thank you for hearing me, and I hear you!

 

[fedup1982]

Yeh I feel often like I'm either in a dream or a nightmare. I don't feel like I'm ever properly awake. I take stupid risks or do stupid things because I don't consider the outcome or stuff like that. So far I haven't injured myself or anyone else but it could have easily happened

 

[Britney Spears]

Due to my disability and cognitive impairment, I find myself in a kind of dissociative limbo. It's like being between life and death, constantly hovering in between, but it's horrible and unbearable. I may be the only person in the world with what I have. In short, I've noticed that many of my neurons have shut down or become faulty. It's like being on a constant psychedelic astral trip or being on drugs

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

When they forcefully showed me what I am I feel like if I could have split again I would have, but then I blocked it for the better part of a decade. The uneasy feeling like torrential rain in my soul remained. My head was spinning. Slowly its I've been reliving these things.
Agree 100 percent. When it does get better we have , or at least I have more horror to face. We have switching and the alienating effects on those around us my freind. Thank you for hearing me, and I hear you!

(...)

This is so touching for me rn, like fr fr.

"Or at least I have more horror to face..." It really is so, so scary - like, what do you mean there was EVEN MORE abuse mr. therapist?

"We have switching and the alienating effects on those around us..."
Splitting and Switching is, if we talk about dissociations for everyone so differnt - and when people around me notticing that I'm changing/switching, they don't understand what is going and and a lot of times they can't handle it at all.

Thnak you sooo much for also hearing me - it means so much to me... <3

(...)

 

[Pale_Rider]

(...)

This is so touching for me rn, like fr fr.

"Or at least I have more horror to face..." It really is so, so scary - like, what do you mean there was EVEN MORE abuse mr. therapist?

"We have switching and the alienating effects on those around us..."
Splitting and Switching is, if we talk about dissociations for everyone so differnt - and when people around me notticing that I'm changing/switching, they don't understand what is going and and a lot of times they can't handle it at all.

Thnak you sooo much for also hearing me - it means so much to me... <3

(...)

Well for me the problem is a protector doing what protectors do after a little has been hurt either real , or perceived. Then I assume their are blind spots I have which is the difference in attitude, or belief between parts that I can't really always put a finger on, or control.

I'm so glad to have heard you freind. Thank you for hearing me also.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

Yeh I feel often like I'm either in a dream or a nightmare. I don't feel like I'm ever properly awake. I take stupid risks or do stupid things because I don't consider the outcome or stuff like that. So far I haven't injured myself or anyone else but it could have easily happened

(...)

You really have to be careful if you're experiencing dissociations and zoom out so drastically that you're completely lost.
It's best to always have an ammonia ampoule with you for those extreme cases.

I once almost fell onto the stone floor in the psychiatric ward because I had a seizure due to the dissociation and the extreme trauma reaction.

Skills can be very helpful.

And yes, it feels like you're just in a dream and/or don't exist - but as already mentioned in a previous post, we do exist somehow.

(...)

Well for me the problem is a protector doing what protectors do after a little has been hurt either real , or perceived.

I'm so glad to have heard you freind. Thank you for hearing me also.

(...)

Protector Doing Protector Things is Just Them Being Themselves At Somepoint, lol

The Problem for Nico is, he really can get fuckn agressiv people towards he fells danger. We were in the main capital, got cat-called and he just casually threw a plstik can full of alcohol in a mans face. XDD

(...)

 

[Pale_Rider]

(...)

You really have to be careful if you're experiencing dissociations and zoom out so drastically that you're completely lost.
It's best to always have an ammonia ampoule with you for those extreme cases.

I once almost fell onto the stone floor in the psychiatric ward because I had a seizure due to the dissociation and the extreme trauma reaction.

Skills can be very helpful.

And yes, it feels like you're just in a dream and/or don't exist - but as already mentioned in a previous post, we do exist somehow.

(...)

(...)

Protector Doing Protector Things is Just Them Being Themselves At Somepoint, lol

The Problem for Nico is, he really can get fuckn agressiv people towards he fells danger. We were in the main capital, got cat-called and he just casually threw a plstik can full of alcohol in a mans face. XDD

(...)

Same here. Terminator has no sympathy for violators.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

Due to my disability and cognitive impairment, I find myself in a kind of dissociative limbo. It's like being between life and death, constantly hovering in between, but it's horrible and unbearable. I may be the only person in the world with what I have. In short, I've noticed that many of my neurons have shut down or become faulty. It's like being on a constant psychedelic astral trip or being on drugs

(...)

Omg, Brittney (sorry xd)

I have to admit, I understand you 100% – I recently applied for a severely disabled person's ID card, let's see how that pans out...

But this "limbo" state is very relatable.
Also the "I'm neither alive nor dead."

That's what makes it so incredibly unbearable, because you simply stop caring about ANYTHING. And when there are moments, like I'm having now of clearness, everything just crushes you like a rocket crashing down.

(...)

 

[Britney Spears]

@CicisDoingUnwell
Thank you, darling, a big hug.
I understand you perfectly. I'm so glad you're having moments of clarity. Unfortunately, I don't.
The worst thing is that I also have a disability, I can't work, and I depend financially on my parents. They won't give me one because I'm too young, according to the "experts": I'm 24. Psychiatrists and psychologists don't see my serious situation. According to them, it depends on me. Only those of us who suffer from it understand, because we're the ones who suffer, and we're the ones who endure the pain every day. A hug, darling

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

@CicisDoingUnwell
Thank you, darling, a big hug.
I understand you perfectly. I'm so glad you're having moments of clarity. Unfortunately, I don't.
The worst thing is that I also have a disability, I can't work, and I depend financially on my parents. They won't give me one because I'm too young, according to the "experts": I'm 24. Psychiatrists and psychologists don't see my serious situation. According to them, it depends on me. Only those of us who suffer from it understand, because we're the ones who suffer, and we're the ones who endure the pain every day. A hug, darling

(...)

Big, Big Hug Back Love. <3

Damn, that sucks. During my Worktime as a nurse, I also worked with people who have disability and was there to also understand their suffering. Its really (sometimes) hell for that person, expecially, when the PARENTS have different Ideas then The kid. Like that was always the Worst Part....

You see the kid, you know whats good for them and them Boom, Parents Be Like:



(...)