Venting Dissociated to a point where I cannot (or barely) control myself and do not know who/what I am

[http-410]

I am so alienated from my body and my identity. Apart from seeing myself as a stranger in the mirror, there are times when my body no longer obeys me. It is as if the autopilot of a spaceship is malfunctioning. This includes going around aimlessly outdoors (for example) or doing things even though there is no reason to. I see what I'm doing, but I have little or no control over it. My will then does not exist, I just let it happen. If I try to suppress it, it will only get worse. Sometimes it feels like an internal struggle, and it tears me apart.

Even though I know who I am per se (my name, height, age etc.), it doesn't feel that way or that the human behind these numbers and letters is no longer existent.

I became an abyss, a void, a black hole.

I think this is the state I need to break out of this nightmare. It's not me who kills themselves, it's someone else, isn't it? This state itself is reason enough to kill myself, and I hope this broken autopilot will let me crash and burn into the next atmosphere. Becoming a shooting star doesn't sound so bad.

Besides death, I just wish for a severe blow to the head right now so that I don't have to deal with my non-existence while being conscious.

Are there people who experience similar dissociative phenomena?

 

[sadpinky]

If you're in the states I'd like to talk to you, I'm going through something similar and I thought I was alone

 

[Bruces]

I feel the same as the OP I'm just an empty shell nothing more

 

[pole]

i feel similar in a way.

i feel like i'm existing in life and not actually living. i wake up and exist just for the sake of others. it honestly feels like a joke and doesn't even feel real that our lives can be this awful, and we simply just keep on existing in this shitty world.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I deal with that sometimes. Do you have anything you can use/do that's grounding for you?

 

[http-410]

Do you have anything you can use/do that's grounding for you?

No, but I've tried.

I'm long past the point where something like grounding techniques could help. The only bearable state is dreamless sleep (which is hard to get with insomnia).

Guess I'm a lost cause, but apparently at least I'm not alone in this.

 

[Stopthepain]

For 3 years non stop hardcore.. it is combined with 100 of other symptoms a living hell.

 

[jjmmss]

Yep

 

[Rockman]

A common phenomenon in far-reaching personality disorders. Disorders of identification and identity (not the same). I'm sorry for you, thats pure hell.

It's possible to discover both but you have to go through the worst repressed traumas.
Sometimes not worth it.