Duochrome-Seahorse
I hope I start rotting in my sleep
- Feb 23, 2023
- 60
I've been having memory issues since the pandemic began but during winter of 2022, I started to stop remembering everything to function and so far I was still suicidal but I was happy i couldn't remember the abuse I was put thru years ago, until I started having disordered eating again. I purposefully triggered myself into starving because I haven't been feeling like myself due to gaining weight.
I feel like everyone around me had noticed I gained weight, but they haven't said anything (usually my parents or siblings would comment about how much I was eating/weight all the time) and it was hurting me so much. Why does it feel like everyone cared for me more when I was starving myself and skinnier? for almost 12 years I've been dealing with that and literally people change at the drop of the hat when they saw the fat on my body and I hate it. I hate the comments that they made, and now every single day when I eat something, I feel so disgusting and take laxitives or work out so i can get to my goal of losing weight to feel at the very least noticed, because I know being skinny doesn't guarantee me love and understanding, my family is too shallow for that.
I just want to feel pretty, look pretty, act pretty, all over again. the only part of my past that I can look at in a positive light was when I was in college and going to the gym every other day. I had discipline, I was committed, I actually felt control in my life from all the chaos. to live those moments again is what I'm striving for right now.
today was the worst day I've had in a really long time. I haven't cried in public in a while but the second I saw myself in the mirror... I was horrified. I looked awful. It got so bad that I just froze for a few minutes and my mind went blank. my mind hasn't been blank in years, I'm always talking to myself from my daydreams feeling so real. I haven't has this feeling of emptiness before, like ACTUAL empty brain and just stare so blankly. I'm touching the ends of pure despair I never thought I'd get close with.
I'm probably gonna put a sheet over my mirror for a while until im ready to look at myself again. This happened before and I hate how different I look on them sometimes like damn I really lost and I'm going to die alone looking like this. I don't even think the compliments I get from my family even work on me anymore. They're just trying to be nice.
I feel like everyone around me had noticed I gained weight, but they haven't said anything (usually my parents or siblings would comment about how much I was eating/weight all the time) and it was hurting me so much. Why does it feel like everyone cared for me more when I was starving myself and skinnier? for almost 12 years I've been dealing with that and literally people change at the drop of the hat when they saw the fat on my body and I hate it. I hate the comments that they made, and now every single day when I eat something, I feel so disgusting and take laxitives or work out so i can get to my goal of losing weight to feel at the very least noticed, because I know being skinny doesn't guarantee me love and understanding, my family is too shallow for that.
I just want to feel pretty, look pretty, act pretty, all over again. the only part of my past that I can look at in a positive light was when I was in college and going to the gym every other day. I had discipline, I was committed, I actually felt control in my life from all the chaos. to live those moments again is what I'm striving for right now.
today was the worst day I've had in a really long time. I haven't cried in public in a while but the second I saw myself in the mirror... I was horrified. I looked awful. It got so bad that I just froze for a few minutes and my mind went blank. my mind hasn't been blank in years, I'm always talking to myself from my daydreams feeling so real. I haven't has this feeling of emptiness before, like ACTUAL empty brain and just stare so blankly. I'm touching the ends of pure despair I never thought I'd get close with.
I'm probably gonna put a sheet over my mirror for a while until im ready to look at myself again. This happened before and I hate how different I look on them sometimes like damn I really lost and I'm going to die alone looking like this. I don't even think the compliments I get from my family even work on me anymore. They're just trying to be nice.
