mold
local fungi
- Jun 25, 2019
- 99
The person I loved and wanted to marry was the only thing keeping me together for the last year and a half.
I told them in 2024 after being incredibly self destructive, and probably admittedly awful, asked them to wait for me to work to make myself and my life better and then I'll ask for marriage. They said they'd hold me to it.
Fast forward I work my ass off, get a good GPA, move out of an awful living situation and things mentally are bad but I figured it would all be okay because I'm going to marry someone I considered my soulmate. Fast forward to February and my soulmate thought I was scary and that I hated them for years, and that I was being cold, and fell out of love with me. Moved on, and then started dating someone who bullied me for a year in the past.
In December 2025 and January of this year I went to visit their home in hopes of not literally ending it all in the winter and everything felt perfect. We kissed, spent time together, and everything felt magical, we even had multiple sexual experiences together. It made me sure that I wanted to marry them.
And I was so confused in February, what had changed in a month's time? What did I do wrong? Was I not showing my love enough? I was already on the edge and I spent the past few months spiraling. And today they told me they only let me hug and kiss them and the sexual experiences just to make me happy. They didn't actually want it, and they said they actually wanted me to stop. But apparently I was too blind to see. They told me it doesn't actually upset them, but that they just wanted me to know. I don't care if it doesn't upset them. In my mind I'm no better than my past abuser, even if they don't see it that way. I didn't get to kill myself this weekend like I had planned to because I fucking fail every time.
I know I have friends and family who love me and care about me but I'm too ill and unfixable to care anymore. I've failed every attempt this month, so I think I'm sick of trying to go out "quickly" or "painlessly" or "comfortably". I'm just done.
I'm going to jump off a big bridge at the end of the week. I don't care anymore. I'm going to miss my birthday but I don't care. I know people have survived jumping off this bridge but I don't care.
It will be over soon, I hope.
For context, they never once said no to any of my advances or made any indication that they didn't want to pursue anything romantic or sexual with me. When I say I was blind I mean it more hypothetically, that I wished I could've seen they didn't love me anymore. I know logically it wasn't actually assault or harassment but all I see is my abuser.
I told them in 2024 after being incredibly self destructive, and probably admittedly awful, asked them to wait for me to work to make myself and my life better and then I'll ask for marriage. They said they'd hold me to it.
Fast forward I work my ass off, get a good GPA, move out of an awful living situation and things mentally are bad but I figured it would all be okay because I'm going to marry someone I considered my soulmate. Fast forward to February and my soulmate thought I was scary and that I hated them for years, and that I was being cold, and fell out of love with me. Moved on, and then started dating someone who bullied me for a year in the past.
In December 2025 and January of this year I went to visit their home in hopes of not literally ending it all in the winter and everything felt perfect. We kissed, spent time together, and everything felt magical, we even had multiple sexual experiences together. It made me sure that I wanted to marry them.
And I was so confused in February, what had changed in a month's time? What did I do wrong? Was I not showing my love enough? I was already on the edge and I spent the past few months spiraling. And today they told me they only let me hug and kiss them and the sexual experiences just to make me happy. They didn't actually want it, and they said they actually wanted me to stop. But apparently I was too blind to see. They told me it doesn't actually upset them, but that they just wanted me to know. I don't care if it doesn't upset them. In my mind I'm no better than my past abuser, even if they don't see it that way. I didn't get to kill myself this weekend like I had planned to because I fucking fail every time.
I know I have friends and family who love me and care about me but I'm too ill and unfixable to care anymore. I've failed every attempt this month, so I think I'm sick of trying to go out "quickly" or "painlessly" or "comfortably". I'm just done.
I'm going to jump off a big bridge at the end of the week. I don't care anymore. I'm going to miss my birthday but I don't care. I know people have survived jumping off this bridge but I don't care.
It will be over soon, I hope.
For context, they never once said no to any of my advances or made any indication that they didn't want to pursue anything romantic or sexual with me. When I say I was blind I mean it more hypothetically, that I wished I could've seen they didn't love me anymore. I know logically it wasn't actually assault or harassment but all I see is my abuser.
