BandAddict
Specialist
- Apr 3, 2019
- 338
My mom said that I should go on disability, that I don't have a choice. In a way it could be good, because I could maybe afford things I need so that she doesn't have to buy me anything anymore, but it just feels so overwhelming. She said it could take up to a year or more, and I really don't feel like I'll be able to see it through. It may very likely be a waste of time, as I've been thinking of CTB at the end of May, possibly. But either way, the thought fills me with more guilt. I'm such a waste.
I have three more sessions with my therapist before the program or whatnot is over, and I'm just so fucking tired and don't want to start over with someone new again. As much as I want to tell her or someone the truth about being actively suicidal, I don't want to be put in a hospital again because I'm paranoid about shit that could happen, unrealistic or not. I'm also afraid of that being like seeking attention and if I wanted to die I'd just do it, but I just don't want to LIVE with the way I am and the way the world is, is all.
I don't want to hurt, but I also don't want to hurt anyone else. My mom said that I haven't even tried, which really truly upsets me, because I feel like I have. She did say something though, "And if you want to give up at level one, I understand, but that's YOUR decision." Which sounded like she was giving me permission to CTB? But it seems contradictory to other things she's been saying? I'm fucking confused about it. I just want to know that her and my sibling will be okay, but she said that they won't.
Sorry for the word vomit, just need to put these thoughts out there, since I don't have anyone I can talk to about this without consequence. My mind is so fried. I'm just thinking about everything and am thinking that maybe I should just be done with it all, give up at "level one". I feel like there's no point.
I have three more sessions with my therapist before the program or whatnot is over, and I'm just so fucking tired and don't want to start over with someone new again. As much as I want to tell her or someone the truth about being actively suicidal, I don't want to be put in a hospital again because I'm paranoid about shit that could happen, unrealistic or not. I'm also afraid of that being like seeking attention and if I wanted to die I'd just do it, but I just don't want to LIVE with the way I am and the way the world is, is all.
I don't want to hurt, but I also don't want to hurt anyone else. My mom said that I haven't even tried, which really truly upsets me, because I feel like I have. She did say something though, "And if you want to give up at level one, I understand, but that's YOUR decision." Which sounded like she was giving me permission to CTB? But it seems contradictory to other things she's been saying? I'm fucking confused about it. I just want to know that her and my sibling will be okay, but she said that they won't.
Sorry for the word vomit, just need to put these thoughts out there, since I don't have anyone I can talk to about this without consequence. My mind is so fried. I'm just thinking about everything and am thinking that maybe I should just be done with it all, give up at "level one". I feel like there's no point.