dilemma

[narval]

the quarantine forced me to think about things.
The main: about my future. I want live, i want fix all my failures, sins, laziness and bad decisions at least to get a tolerable life style. in fact, i started to do things. Slow, stumbling, but i started. i'm losing weight, i returned to programming/coding (with one new languaje, Python) Also, in a certain way, i was a addicted to videogames. some months ago I quited to one of the 2, and the other is in process.
Now the PROBLEM. right here right now, i'm economically arruined. with low cyphers?, yes, with low cyphers. but ruin is ruin. this is no a greyscale:
One cannot stay clinically dead, but a little bit. You are dead, or not.
A switch cannot stay a little bit on. It's on or off.
The same with me. i can pay or i cannot. Now, i cannot.
So... that is. I want to live but the lack of money is a big stone in the way. i suposse i'll try to do something. I don't know what nor how, but i'll try.
Good things?:
1) i realized that i have good ropes in home: clotheslines and the rope that serves to close my grandma's shopping car. The last tool that i needed. And was shamely obvious...
2) at the worst, the night, the stealth, and the handle of my window will be my friends. DAMN YOU, QUARANTINE

sooner or later i'll come back

 

[Sensei]

You're turning your life around e.g. by getting more fit and acquiring a valuable skill, i.e. programming. I think it would be a mistake to kill yourself now when you have achieved this, especially over a money-related issue. Isn't there someone you could borrow some money from?

 

[narval]

no at this moment. i don't have friends, my family helped me a lot in the past, but now, with them having less incomes, with hidden invoices, with the economic crisis insured (sarcastic mode on: thanks again, covid-19), without results in real life from mi side... i don't believe i dare to ask and i don't believe that they help's me another time if i go as a beaten dog

 

[Sensei]

I understand. However, I think your family would prefer that you borrow some money from them instead of killing yourself. Do you have any other relatives you could borrow some money from? How does social security work in your country? Is it possible to get ecomomic support?

 

[narval]

Well, surpruselingy i managed to do payments for April and May... and my situation is, uh, the same.
Good things like losing weight, less videogames, programming, are going in the right way, but the bad things... are going worse:

• Since quarantine is a little less strict, i'll be forced to have contact with some relatives. This means more effort faking appreciation and hidding the shits of my mind.
• Bigger payments that i cant afford right now will come (i know too well the ammount, but not the date).
• My troubles trying to take seriously the job search, with the the financial crisis approaching if it's not here yet, becomes a bigger demon.

BTW, beside the other things, i can a notice a bad pattern in my last years: when i can afford things, i'm in tolerable mood (not even good, just tolerable). In that moode, i spend more money than I should. nothing like drugs, alcohol, ludopathy or so. Just spending more than my incomes. When i'm close to 0, i enter in a desperate mood. i do anything for get money, i don't care about anything else, i'm near blinded to other topics. Of course, the trouble is big when i do anything but a long-term solution. When i get money, i back to "normality". The loop starts again.
I know, i have to break the loop... but is hard break this habits when i'm in the shit and my prediction horizon can't see more than one month forward

 

[a.n.kirillov]

My troubles trying to take seriously the job search, with the the financial crisis approaching if it's not here yet, becomes a bigger demon.

I can't help you, but this is my problem exactly. Since seriously considering suicide I have completely deflated and given up on myself.