Venting Didn't think I'd be back

[I_just_cba]

I was last here in around May / June. April was probably the lowest point of my life where I bought SN, browsed this forum every day and daydreamed about suicide all the time.

And then my life turned around. I really enjoyed the Euros (football), I changed job and I didn't think I'd ever have these thoughts again. It was actually this forum and buying SN that turned it around as I always 'had the option'.

But now I'm back. All the thoughts have come rushing back. I think about killing myself every day, I feel so empty inside and life has no meaning.

Stupid bloody cycle.

 

[WaterHemlock]

I totally know the feeling, I've been through so many cycles of it. So many minuscule things can tip me from just moving along fine to absolute despair. My rule has been for a while now, to never kill myself in a ba mood. I know these cycles change. So I wait them out a lot of times, sometimes I'm only waiting for the best time, the least collateral damage.Sometimes I just can't find a rope.

It has previously always passed. And if I make it to the morning with a clear head and my intention intact, then it's time to go.
I guess I do more encouraging people to live here than celebrating their choices to die even though I believe each person should have the right to choose. I just feel like it is a big decision and all other alternative should be explored first. Anyway, I'm so sorry you are feeling bad and I'm glad we're still here to come back to. Don't look at it as failure or regression, just a pause.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

I really enjoyed the Euros (football)

Same here. At least the World Cup is next year so that's something...

 

[I_just_cba]

I totally know the feeling, I've been through so many cycles of it. So many minuscule things can tip me from just moving along fine to absolute despair. My rule has been for a while now, to never kill myself in a ba mood. I know these cycles change. So I wait them out a lot of times, sometimes I'm only waiting for the best time, the least collateral damage.Sometimes I just can't find a rope.

It has previously always passed. And if I make it to the morning with a clear head and my intention intact, then it's time to go.
I guess I do more encouraging people to live here than celebrating their choices to die even though I believe each person should have the right to choose. I just feel like it is a big decision and all other alternative should be explored first. Anyway, I'm so sorry you are feeling bad and I'm glad we're still here to come back to. Don't look at it as failure or regression, just a pause.

That seems like a really good rule, it's so weird how there are so many different cycles we have. Definitely agree about the smallest things, when I'm feeling like I am right now it's the smallest trigger that could get me spiralling, like even just missing a train or someone not messaging me back.

It really is a big decision and I think in my head I just need to figure out whether these suicidal thoughts will ever leave. There may be a point in time that I will actually use the SN I have but until then I just need to get through each day and hope for the best.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling for things to get worse again. Living is very painful. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.