Traveler
Just passing by...
- May 16, 2020
- 6
Hello, everyone! Although this is my first post, I've been lurking for quite some time. Each time I come here, I find myself impressed with the community you've built, and the degree of support that is given to each member. I've always been either a loner or into small gatherings, never finding myself "fit" for communities, but somehow SS seems unique. That being said, I wanted to express some things, ask for some advice, or just talk to someone for a while. Or maybe all of the above... I had trouble choosing a prefix/category for the thread, so I left it blank. I guess it's a mix of a story, a request for help, and some venting.
As you may have figured from the thread's title, I had my first proper suicide attempt yesterday. I managed to sleep intermittently for about 20 hours afterwards (a new record!) and I am now feeling rather confused, terrified, and sad. I could talk about what brought me to this for hours (and would be willing if there is interest), but I suppose for now it will suffice to say that it was a combination of mental and physical ailments as well as daily suicidal ideation over the course of several years. During that time I essentially overcame my fear of death, or at least convinced myself I had, and this brought me closer to making my decision.
My resources have always been limited, so I had trouble settling on a method. After crossing out several methods I realized wouldn't work, I finally decided on partial suspension hanging. I've read through the megathread and the related page on the wiki carefully, and knew what to expect. First, I decided to use the bar in my sizeable wardrobe as an anchor point as it could support more than my entire weight and the spot itself ensured I wouldn't be found until well after death (I am over 20, but live with my parents so I cannot choose other spots in the house for this). As for timing, I was limited to executing my plan on workdays and in the early morning hours when I'm alone at home. I used a long dog leash of a non-elastic, thick material for my noose. The leash's "handle" is adjustable all the way to the other end, plus the rings forming it are extremely durable and function essentially as a slip knot. The material is such that even if the rings were cut off, it would be indistinguishable from a conventional rope. I can attach an image if needed. Other than that, I also placed a chair in my wardrobe — I'm not sure why, but I figured it might give me more flexibility in regards to the method. In retrospect, it seems to just be getting in the way.
So onto yesterday, I first prepared two different letters I had been working on for about a week. The first and the longest was written in my native language, and was left for my family. I transcribed it from digital to physical format and left it at my desk. The other letter was left for my (only) friends, a few people I knew for years online and loved dearly. When my window of opportunity had come, I sent the letter to my friends and broke off contact. I prepared myself for the act with a high dose of benzos and some ibuprofen. Placing the noose around my neck and knowing that the time had come, I didn't really feel afraid in the sense of the word, maybe just a little apprehensive. My first few attempts led to compressing only my jugulars (indicated by the instantaneous "exploding head" feeling), so I aborted those and adjusted my position differently to try and get the optimal amount of pressure at the right spot. Eventually, I came very close to passing out with no unpleasant sensations or obstruction of breathing, so much that it felt like I had fallen asleep and only had a few strange thoughts going through my head. Still, for some reason, I got back to my senses and was more or less unwillingly pulling myself back up to take the noose off. I recovered and kept going, though, and had another similar incidence. In this one, it felt like I had come even closer to passing out but the aftermath was even more unpleasant. I was crying, sweating, feeling weakness in my extremities and felt almost like I was choking on my saliva (as I had bouts of coughing afterwards).
What had gone wrong, then? I surmise that I was placing pressure on not quite the optimal spots (I was closer to the base of the neck than the middle of the lower section of the neck as suggested by the community), and possibly not enough of it due to my position (which was a partially kneeling position with my knees slightly off the ground). I was also salivating more than normally at the time, and my saliva was unusually viscous at the time, which may have led to choking and waking up in panic as a result. I now have pretty obvious bruises on the lower part of my neck (mostly at the sides, indicating where the most pressure had been active) and will have to cover them with my jacket whenever I leave my room. After missing my window of opportunity yesterday and feeling profoundly exhausted, I considered giving up and seeking help. I then remembered how that went in the past, and how it could go if I get committed to some abhorrent mental institution. So I gave up and went to sleep, determined to wait for Monday and do it right then... Do you have any advice in regards to my approach with the method and do you need any additional info? Just let me know.
I also feel like getting back in contact with my friends, but I had already left them a letter stating they wouldn't be hearing from me again regardless of the outcome. They all knew of my issues in detail and had helped me out over the years. They knew I was profoundly suicidal; I would often rant and rave to them about wanting to kill myself when the worst of days came. I would always tell them that "the next year will be my last", and I feel that they would be better off without my constant "threats". There was a time when I was in contact with more than a handful of people, but I decided to detach myself from them so that they don't have to listen to my troubles. I understand everyone has their own, and even if I had been willing to listen to theirs and offer the best advice I could, I still didn't want to be a burden upon anyone. In regards to that, do you think I should talk to my friends again? What should I say? What if they become joyous about my return only to learn it's a temporary (two-day, even!) visit and that I'd be doing the same thing again?
Thank you for reading, much love, and I hope your day is as best as it can be!
—Traveler
As you may have figured from the thread's title, I had my first proper suicide attempt yesterday. I managed to sleep intermittently for about 20 hours afterwards (a new record!) and I am now feeling rather confused, terrified, and sad. I could talk about what brought me to this for hours (and would be willing if there is interest), but I suppose for now it will suffice to say that it was a combination of mental and physical ailments as well as daily suicidal ideation over the course of several years. During that time I essentially overcame my fear of death, or at least convinced myself I had, and this brought me closer to making my decision.
My resources have always been limited, so I had trouble settling on a method. After crossing out several methods I realized wouldn't work, I finally decided on partial suspension hanging. I've read through the megathread and the related page on the wiki carefully, and knew what to expect. First, I decided to use the bar in my sizeable wardrobe as an anchor point as it could support more than my entire weight and the spot itself ensured I wouldn't be found until well after death (I am over 20, but live with my parents so I cannot choose other spots in the house for this). As for timing, I was limited to executing my plan on workdays and in the early morning hours when I'm alone at home. I used a long dog leash of a non-elastic, thick material for my noose. The leash's "handle" is adjustable all the way to the other end, plus the rings forming it are extremely durable and function essentially as a slip knot. The material is such that even if the rings were cut off, it would be indistinguishable from a conventional rope. I can attach an image if needed. Other than that, I also placed a chair in my wardrobe — I'm not sure why, but I figured it might give me more flexibility in regards to the method. In retrospect, it seems to just be getting in the way.
So onto yesterday, I first prepared two different letters I had been working on for about a week. The first and the longest was written in my native language, and was left for my family. I transcribed it from digital to physical format and left it at my desk. The other letter was left for my (only) friends, a few people I knew for years online and loved dearly. When my window of opportunity had come, I sent the letter to my friends and broke off contact. I prepared myself for the act with a high dose of benzos and some ibuprofen. Placing the noose around my neck and knowing that the time had come, I didn't really feel afraid in the sense of the word, maybe just a little apprehensive. My first few attempts led to compressing only my jugulars (indicated by the instantaneous "exploding head" feeling), so I aborted those and adjusted my position differently to try and get the optimal amount of pressure at the right spot. Eventually, I came very close to passing out with no unpleasant sensations or obstruction of breathing, so much that it felt like I had fallen asleep and only had a few strange thoughts going through my head. Still, for some reason, I got back to my senses and was more or less unwillingly pulling myself back up to take the noose off. I recovered and kept going, though, and had another similar incidence. In this one, it felt like I had come even closer to passing out but the aftermath was even more unpleasant. I was crying, sweating, feeling weakness in my extremities and felt almost like I was choking on my saliva (as I had bouts of coughing afterwards).
What had gone wrong, then? I surmise that I was placing pressure on not quite the optimal spots (I was closer to the base of the neck than the middle of the lower section of the neck as suggested by the community), and possibly not enough of it due to my position (which was a partially kneeling position with my knees slightly off the ground). I was also salivating more than normally at the time, and my saliva was unusually viscous at the time, which may have led to choking and waking up in panic as a result. I now have pretty obvious bruises on the lower part of my neck (mostly at the sides, indicating where the most pressure had been active) and will have to cover them with my jacket whenever I leave my room. After missing my window of opportunity yesterday and feeling profoundly exhausted, I considered giving up and seeking help. I then remembered how that went in the past, and how it could go if I get committed to some abhorrent mental institution. So I gave up and went to sleep, determined to wait for Monday and do it right then... Do you have any advice in regards to my approach with the method and do you need any additional info? Just let me know.
I also feel like getting back in contact with my friends, but I had already left them a letter stating they wouldn't be hearing from me again regardless of the outcome. They all knew of my issues in detail and had helped me out over the years. They knew I was profoundly suicidal; I would often rant and rave to them about wanting to kill myself when the worst of days came. I would always tell them that "the next year will be my last", and I feel that they would be better off without my constant "threats". There was a time when I was in contact with more than a handful of people, but I decided to detach myself from them so that they don't have to listen to my troubles. I understand everyone has their own, and even if I had been willing to listen to theirs and offer the best advice I could, I still didn't want to be a burden upon anyone. In regards to that, do you think I should talk to my friends again? What should I say? What if they become joyous about my return only to learn it's a temporary (two-day, even!) visit and that I'd be doing the same thing again?
Thank you for reading, much love, and I hope your day is as best as it can be!
—Traveler
