For me, it got better somewhat. I managed to repair some relationships. I made some friends. I got a partner. I have a decent job and apartment. For a while I didn't want to kill myself, or at least it wasn't at the forefront of my mind.
But now I can see that my new relationship is going nowhere. He's an alcoholic, relies on me to support him as he's very reckless with money, and regularly disappears while binge drinking, making me sick with worry. He's been in trouble with the law for assault and reckless/drunk driving. He's assaulted me numerous times in a drunken rage, choking me, kicking me, and dragging me across the room by my feet. I have a permanent injury from where he pushed me on the stairs. He says he has trauma but refuses to get help for any of his issues. My family found out that he has assaulted me (which I didn't want them to know) and they now refuse to have contact with him and want me to leave him. I became pregnant to him 2 years ago and got a termination as I didn't want a child growing up around poverty and violence. I'm in my mid 30s now and that may have been my last chance to have a child.
Regardless, he's all I have in many ways so I can't bring myself to leave him. I'm autistic, mentally ill, and not physically attractive so my chances of finding someone else are non-existent. I also don't want to lose my apartment, as I'm terrified of being homeless again and my apartment is one of the few things I feel happy and proud about.
I have very few friends and find it hard to connect with people. My contract at work runs out soon and I have to apply for another job and I'm not sure my performance has been good enough. I struggle with work due to my autism, adhd, mental health, in addition to the stress at home. I'm bad at "networking" and making "work friends" and I feel like a lot of my colleagues think I'm a loser. I also don't feel that my job is well matched to my skills, but it's very difficult to find jobs that are. Unfortunately I'm not the "IT genius" flavour of autistic, I'm just of average intelligence with no profitable/marketable skills or interests.
But what breaks my heart most of all is that my little sister, who I love more than anything and who was the one reason I didn't give up on life years ago, seems to dislike me for some reason. I buy her everything she wants, I've gone broke getting her expensive gifts. I help with her homework and have flat out done assignments *for* her when she's been busy and overwhelmed. I always try to show her nothing but kindness and encouragement, and I don't burden my family with my problems. But she doesn't like me or want to spend time with me. I'm assuming it's my autism and that she's embarrassed of me. Even though I try my best to fit in, I feel like my whole family just see me as the "weird one" and look down on me. I know I can't say or do anything about it except just be sad.
I went to the doctor recently about my fatigue, hoping it was anemia or something, and they told me it was just depression. I have nightmares and broken sleep every night. I constantly dream about my grandma who I lost when I was 12 who was always kind and encouraging to me. I dream about the last time I had good friends, being in school where I was still happy and we didn't judge each other over jobs or marital status. I dream about when my sister was very little and she still loved me, more than perhaps anyone else ever did. The times we spent together were the only truly happy times in my adult life.
In some ways, I wish I didn't know what happiness or hope or acceptance felt like so I didn't have to have a glimpse into how other people live.
I guess at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much you work to try and improve yourself - being autistic and being ugly will always sabotage everything in the end.
But now I can see that my new relationship is going nowhere. He's an alcoholic, relies on me to support him as he's very reckless with money, and regularly disappears while binge drinking, making me sick with worry. He's been in trouble with the law for assault and reckless/drunk driving. He's assaulted me numerous times in a drunken rage, choking me, kicking me, and dragging me across the room by my feet. I have a permanent injury from where he pushed me on the stairs. He says he has trauma but refuses to get help for any of his issues. My family found out that he has assaulted me (which I didn't want them to know) and they now refuse to have contact with him and want me to leave him. I became pregnant to him 2 years ago and got a termination as I didn't want a child growing up around poverty and violence. I'm in my mid 30s now and that may have been my last chance to have a child.
Regardless, he's all I have in many ways so I can't bring myself to leave him. I'm autistic, mentally ill, and not physically attractive so my chances of finding someone else are non-existent. I also don't want to lose my apartment, as I'm terrified of being homeless again and my apartment is one of the few things I feel happy and proud about.
I have very few friends and find it hard to connect with people. My contract at work runs out soon and I have to apply for another job and I'm not sure my performance has been good enough. I struggle with work due to my autism, adhd, mental health, in addition to the stress at home. I'm bad at "networking" and making "work friends" and I feel like a lot of my colleagues think I'm a loser. I also don't feel that my job is well matched to my skills, but it's very difficult to find jobs that are. Unfortunately I'm not the "IT genius" flavour of autistic, I'm just of average intelligence with no profitable/marketable skills or interests.
But what breaks my heart most of all is that my little sister, who I love more than anything and who was the one reason I didn't give up on life years ago, seems to dislike me for some reason. I buy her everything she wants, I've gone broke getting her expensive gifts. I help with her homework and have flat out done assignments *for* her when she's been busy and overwhelmed. I always try to show her nothing but kindness and encouragement, and I don't burden my family with my problems. But she doesn't like me or want to spend time with me. I'm assuming it's my autism and that she's embarrassed of me. Even though I try my best to fit in, I feel like my whole family just see me as the "weird one" and look down on me. I know I can't say or do anything about it except just be sad.
I went to the doctor recently about my fatigue, hoping it was anemia or something, and they told me it was just depression. I have nightmares and broken sleep every night. I constantly dream about my grandma who I lost when I was 12 who was always kind and encouraging to me. I dream about the last time I had good friends, being in school where I was still happy and we didn't judge each other over jobs or marital status. I dream about when my sister was very little and she still loved me, more than perhaps anyone else ever did. The times we spent together were the only truly happy times in my adult life.
In some ways, I wish I didn't know what happiness or hope or acceptance felt like so I didn't have to have a glimpse into how other people live.
I guess at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much you work to try and improve yourself - being autistic and being ugly will always sabotage everything in the end.
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