Venting Did I wait to long?

[mooncake]

I feel like I'm running out of time. Everything that concerns staying alive is getting harder. I'm at my mom's for a few days, and eversince I came here,s he keeps pestering me to eat and drink watwr. I get why she does it, but both having to eati and drink is torment for me right now. It hurts to have food in my stomach, it makes me nauseous and even just water makes me puke.
She also keeps pushing me to continue my intership for uni, but I can't even think about being alive next week without breaking down. I can't tell her why, and even If I did, she wouldn't accept that thats what I'm feeling. I still have so many things to do before I go, but I feel like I don't have the energy to do them. I was considering making a collection of Farewell videos, in oder to leave as little unanswered questions as possible, but I haven't even started any of them. I need to make a final decision on a method and acquire all needed supplies. My apartment is a mess (which is unlike me and I just can't leave it like this), and I lack the ability to clean up. My ex still has all his shit at my place and we're not on speaking terms (especially since he is part of my decision to ctb). I haven't even decided which language to say goodbye in.
On top I have my daily responsibilities. The pressure is so overwhelming that I can't manage to get any of it done. I can see that I'm dissapointing and hurting everyone around me. I feel like I'm about to implode.

I just got myself roller skates, because I wanted to learn how to dance on them. I also just got a new kitchen appliance that I was looking forward to for 6 months. I had goals and plans, and it hurts me to know that I won't experience these thing anymore. Bot on the other hand I'm also scared to wait and try out new things. Last time I felt ready I decided to life because of my love for my ex. He said he needed me so I stayed to take care of him. Now I regret having stayed, because I had to endure almost 2 years of additional suffering. He sucked all the life out of me that was still left, and now I can't even take good enough care of myself to leave in peace.

I really don't know who I could talk to about this irl, to reduce some of the pressure.

 

[sighingspider]

Sounds like your ex really sucks, and maybe that is the case for all exes, that's why it never turned up well. Maybe breaking up with your ex is good for you as you know what kind of idiots you don't go out with. Start things slow. It's fine you don't tell your mum anything, but maybe you could ask her to help clean up the house with you. Your mum would say its weird but just tell her that it is really important for you. If your mum knows that you broke up with the a-hole, you could tell your mum to help get rid of his stuff. You could even ask your best friend to help you. Start small. We are all here to support you, buddy.

 

[mooncake]

Sounds like your ex really sucks, and maybe that is the case for all exes, that's why it never turned up well. Maybe breaking up with your ex is good for you as you know what kind of idiots you don't go out with. Start things slow. It's fine you don't tell your mum anything, but maybe you could ask her to help clean up the house with you. Your mum would say its weird but just tell her that it is really important for you. If your mum knows that you broke up with the a-hole, you could tell your mum to help get rid of his stuff. You could even ask your best friend to help you. Start small. We are all here to support you, buddy.

My ex is either a sociopath or a psychopath who was willing to sacrifice my life for the opportunity to work with a celebrity. I never knew who he really was and how much he manipulated and controlled me until i wasn't of use to him anymore. He made me realize that it was wrong to trust again because literally anyone can be the threat I'm trying to protect myself from. So I dating is not an option for me anymore.

I don't have the best relationship with my mother and while she is worried about me, she is also very annoyed with the fact that i'm not getting better. She is not exactly an empathetic person, and when things don't go her way, she gets angry. So showing her my mess opens me up to more verbal abuse.
I don't really have friends anymore. Eversince I admitted myself into a psych ward, everybody is avoiding me.

I've tried cleaning up bit by bit. It's hard but I'm still on it, since I need to get it done either way

 

[sighingspider]

Well, just imagine that I am there cheering you up. Clean up your room. Afterwards get rid of the stuff that your ex has. Burn it. Shred it. Do the 'funny' with it. Once you are done with cleaning your room, it's gonna get better.

 

[Ulisses]

I feel in the same situation, not in the mood to live. I'm afraid of having dreams since I probably won't have the courage or curtains to do it.

 

[falloutcarter13]

No advice for you, no platitudes. I just want to let you know I read your story, and I feel for you