Venting Did I do the right thing?

[Komm_Süsser_Tod]

Well, me and this girl met on tinder. First thing she does is ask for money and I give it. She is in debt and suicidal and this happens over the span of like 9 months. She ignores me for a while and breaks up with me multiple times. I admit I'm way too clingy which she says she doesn't like but then says she does. I also promised to pay off her debt in the past which is dumb on my part. I kept on calling and calling her which I admit was dumb but when money is involved I get nervous. She has just broken up with me and is saying I broke my promise if I don't pay her debt? She then gets back with me for a moment and says she wants to move in with me but still ignores me. I tell her she is hurting my feelings and making me want to leave her and she says go ahead. After this I ask her if she wants help with her debt still and she says yes. I ask her if we're still together and she ignores me. I tried calling her but she blocked my #. I feel like we aren't good together so I just went ahead and blocked her on everything. Did I do the right thing? I have no ill will rn. I gave her so much money. Over 1'000. I'm lower than dirt.

 

[maakies]

Try to keep her blocked. That will be the hardest part. You did the right thing. That's not your debt to concern yourself with. It sounds like she treats you like garbage. I did this with a guy in one of my lowest lows where I was giving him money. Over $2k. It isn't worth it. I also wouldn't expect her to pay you back. It's easier just to move on.

 

[KTbear]

Keep her blocked and don't give her another cent.

 

[GentleJerk]

Agreed. This person is clearly manipulative and taking advantage of you, probably does this often and to others. Stay strong.

 

[Komm_Süsser_Tod]

Agreed. This person is clearly manipulative and taking advantage of you, probably does this often and to others. Stay strong.

I just tried to be there for her. She did ask others for money on her snap. It hurt when I told her I was suicidal after she told me she was. I thought we could help each other. She said my issues weren't her problem (Which is true but I tried to be there for her always when she was suicidal). I know I'm no angel and made mistakes but I will miss her.

 

[GentleJerk]

I just tried to be there for her. She did ask others for money on her snap. It hurt when I told her I was suicidal after she told me she was. I thought we could help each other. She said my issues weren't her problem (Which is true but I tried to be there for her always when she was suicidal). I know I'm no angel and made mistakes but I will miss her.

You deserve better for sure. When it comes to people like that you are better of alone imo. As much as it sucks.

I hope can find the strength to accept you deserve better for yourself, and something more worthwhile comes your way

 

[DeutscheKartoffel]

it wouldn't been a waste of money if she had offered you something of value in return.
It was not a fair trade, all things considered.

but you'll learn.
money's just money.
it's important we learn from our mistakes/bad experiences as to avoid them in the future.

 

[blueclover_.]

Well, me and this girl met on tinder. First thing she does is ask for money and I give it. She is in debt and suicidal and this happens over the span of like 9 months. She ignores me for a while and breaks up with me multiple times. I admit I'm way too clingy which she says she doesn't like but then says she does. I also promised to pay off her debt in the past which is dumb on my part. I kept on calling and calling her which I admit was dumb but when money is involved I get nervous. She has just broken up with me and is saying I broke my promise if I don't pay her debt? She then gets back with me for a moment and says she wants to move in with me but still ignores me. I tell her she is hurting my feelings and making me want to leave her and she says go ahead. After this I ask her if she wants help with her debt still and she says yes. I ask her if we're still together and she ignores me. I tried calling her but she blocked my #. I feel like we aren't good together so I just went ahead and blocked her on everything. Did I do the right thing? I have no ill will rn. I gave her so much money. Over 1'000. I'm lower than dirt.

Dump her. You deserve better. Gold diggers are real, and you're dealing with one. If someone gives you free money, the least you could do is to be friendly with them.

 

[back_to_oblivion]

That the first thing she did was ask for money is a giant red flag. You have to be really careful with stuff like this because there are lots of scammers who only talk with you to take advantage of you and take as much money as possible out of you. They make a connection with you then tell you some problem and ask for money: hospital, debt etc. It's a game they're playing with you and your feelings. Constantly changing her mind may have been just a game, Ignoring you and breaking up was probably meant so that you would give more money. Yes you did the right thing blocking her and keep her blocked. You should also do it right away the next time someone asks you for money. Did she talk with you over the phone, or was it just chat?

 

[Justsogone]

Keep her blocked, you did it right.

 

[Komm_Süsser_Tod]

She texted me and said we're still together. Gave in but I won't give her money. I'm so confused. I'm sorry, I just worry about her. She posts depressing stuff on her snap sometimes.

 

[dogboy]

I'm not a psychologist; but your girlfriend sounds mentally ill to me. Do a bit of research on narcissism and cluster B personality disorders; I think you will find much that sounds familiar. There's a reason for the term 'crazy-making' behavior: her instability and inconsistency are deleterious to your life. Clearly. But--- and I speak as someone who was in an emotionally abusive insane situation similar to yours--- you're also responsible for your choice to [continue to] allow yourself to be treated this way. Even now you're questioning yourself. The young lady is unlikely to change, but you can. Yes hon, you did the right thing.

 

[Komm_Süsser_Tod]

I'm not a psychologist; but your girlfriend sounds mentally ill to me. Do a bit of research on narcissism and cluster B personality disorders; I think you will find much that sounds familiar. There's a reason for the term 'crazy-making' behavior: her instability and inconsistency are deleterious to your life. Clearly. But--- and I speak as someone who was in an emotionally abusive insane situation similar to yours--- you're also responsible for your choice to [continue to] allow yourself to be treated this way. Even now you're questioning yourself. The young lady is unlikely to change, but you can. Yes hon, you did the right thing.

Thank you very much. She is suicidal and tried to take her own life. She surfers from depression.

 

[greencondo]

She texted me and said we're still together. Gave in but I won't give her money. I'm so confused. I'm sorry, I just worry about her. She posts depressing stuff on her snap sometimes.

why are you letting only her decide if you are still together? What do you get out of this situation? Are you having some control or abandonment issues, both?
Are you addicted to the drama? (that's a thing)
You do know this is a toxic situation correct? for both of you.

You need to address any of that or you will most likely bounce from one bad relationship to another. Possible you are repeating some destructive pattern that you have been taught on some level?

You aren't helping her this way. (if that is your goal)
Seems you are punishing and self sabotaging yourself, and anything that happens at this point is kind of on you. I think you know that. Don't fall for the romanticizing mental illness and toxic relationships.

The kindest thing you can do it is address your issues and encourage her to do the same.

 

[Lost Magic]

To be honest I don't know you or her but this sounds like a really toxic relationship that won't work. I keep a distance between people like that now because it only ever ends in tears. Good luck!

 

[Komm_Süsser_Tod]

why are you letting only her decide if you are still together? What do you get out of this situation? Are you having some control or abandonment issues, both?
Are you addicted to the drama? (that's a thing)
You do know this is a toxic situation correct? for both of you.

You need to address any of that or you will most likely bounce from one bad relationship to another. Possible you are repeating some destructive pattern that you have been taught on some level?

You aren't helping her this way. (if that is your goal)
Seems you are punishing and self sabotaging yourself, and anything that happens at this point is kind of on you. I think you know that. Don't fall for the romanticizing mental illness and toxic relationships.

The kindest thing you can do it is address your issues and encourage her to do the same.

I have abandonment issues, I hate drama but I would feel terrible if I leave her. She has so much bad stuff going on in her life. I agree what I do is on me but I can't say no to people. I've always had this issue.

 

[VKVK]

This world is a painful place.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

Well, me and this girl met on tinder. First thing she does is ask for money and I give it.

No. No. No. Wrong. You do not do this, ever. I understand your vulnerable and need someone to connect with, but RIGHT when she asked you for money you should've turned around.

 

[dogboy]

@Komm_Süsser_Tod

Re-reading this thread and my own post in it, I'd like to be clear that I don't think that your girlfriend is a "bad person". I do think that her continued presence in your life will be a stress and detriment to you. And untimately to her as well. If you honestly assess your history with this person, you'll see that you have been depleted more than strengthened by the relationship. Imagine you're swimming off the Aussie coast and the great white shark comes by... he's probably going to make a meal out of you. It's nothing personal: the shark doesn't hate you. He's not an asshole. He's just being a shark doing what a shark does, and he cares not for your pain or your wishes. Same with the young lady. You keep feeding, she keeps coming around. Until you've got nothing left to give and kazaah, she's gone and you're replaced. What I have had to do personally, is to learn to recognize a shark at a distance.... which doesn't men that you stay out of the water, that you don't date. But a shark recognition course might be good for you... again I suggest a bouty of info on narcissism on YouTube

 

[greencondo]

I have abandonment issues, I hate drama but I would feel terrible if I leave her. She has so much bad stuff going on in her life. I agree what I do is on me but I can't say no to people. I've always had this issue.

It probably feels good every time she comes back to you or needs you, or even like you can just breath again. Is it like a drug for you, you can't stay away?

At this point you are not helping her, and in fact most likely enabling this behavior. Just be aware of that. Obviously you aren't helping yourself either and the issues you know you have should be addressed. It will be uncomfortable.

People, especially trauma victims or mentally ill, need healthy boundaries and to take responsibility for themselves to have any sense of self and decent relationships.

It's fantastic if you want to help people or make the world a better place, but there are a ton of better ways to do it. This one is not it.

This world is a painful place.

there are nice and interesting people out there with good intentions, but I would venture to guess that zero of them are on Tinder asking for money.

 

[Komm_Süsser_Tod]

It probably feels good every time she comes back to you or needs you, or even like you can just breath again. Is it like a drug for you, you can't stay away?

At this point you are not helping her, and in fact most likely enabling this behavior. Just be aware of that. Obviously you aren't helping yourself either and the issues you know you have should be addressed. It will be uncomfortable.

People, especially trauma victims or mentally ill, need healthy boundaries and to take responsibility for themselves to have any sense of self and decent relationships.

It's fantastic if you want to help people or make the world a better place, but there are a ton of better ways to do it. This one is not it.

there are nice and interesting people out there with good intentions, but I would venture to guess that zero of them are on Tinder asking for money.

Hey, thank you for your comment. I wouldn't say it feels good when she comes back. I'm under stress and pain when I'm dealing with her tbh. I want her to get better but I feel like I hurt her more than help. This relationship started when I wasn't depressed btw. She texts me when I left her snap.

 

[Simba]

I can relate to the money part tbh.. i was looking into weed n all that stuff on Kik and found a group so i asked and someone out of the blue PMd me and they like had a huge list of what i could get from weed to opioids... I just wanted to be able to feel something good even if its fake and wont last that long.. so i said what i wanted and the guy said oks thats X amount of money think was 1000 something ILS... so he said to go to WU or MG places to send the money.. so i did.. then he said he needed bit extra for "his boy"... like some tip or whatever.. so i gave 200 n something ILS.. so the day that i was supposed to get the stuff never happened.. so another date came and he told me how the person looks ie what he's wearing etc n after while that didnt come i said he's not there and the guy told me that "his boy" is in police station.. like in custody etc.. so he told me then that they know how i look like (the cops) etc and that id need help "his boy" get out ie paying more money.. he told me for every night "his boy" stays in custody then need to pay ,he said he'd pay too.. until every penny of mine went.. plus euros that he said he'd give every bit of it back n so on.. so 16 thousand ILS went down the drain.. for nothing.. the fact is he was nice.. he even commented on my SH one time.. he said i looked nice n so on.. be careful don't be fooled.. sadly i had to learn it the hard way ,as always

 

[noaccount]

I'm not a psychologist; but your girlfriend sounds mentally ill to me. Do a bit of research on narcissism and cluster B personality disorders; I think you will find much that sounds familiar. There's a reason for the term 'crazy-making' behavior: her instability and inconsistency are deleterious to your life. Clearly. But--- and I speak as someone who was in an emotionally abusive insane situation similar to yours--- you're also responsible for your choice to [continue to] allow yourself to be treated this way. Even now you're questioning yourself. The young lady is unlikely to change, but you can. Yes hon, you did the right thing.

Hi, so - we actually don't know anything about anyone's way of thinking/feeling/acting just by knowing that a psych has called it an illness. This is important to know because MANIPULATION is something that any person can be capable of - with a diagnosis or without - and in fact our culture sadly NORMALIZES manipulation and exploitation in many forms. In romantic relationships, in the workplace, and elsewhere. So it is not a "deviant person" thing to be manipulative. These psychs diagnose people based on their own bigotry - and it's OKAY not to want to be their version of "sane" or "recovered". In fact they never clearly define "sanity" anyway, and how they define (what they consider) "illness" is hopelessly incoherent and contradictory - in fact there is likely no person out there who couldn't be "diagnosed" with something based on DSM categories (checklists which strip people's experience of their personal meaning and social context). For instance if one does not meet the "check boxes" for "borderline personality" ("forming identities around other people's desires") then one almost automatically meets criteria for "autistic" or "antisocial" ("not forming an identity that matches what society wants.") Psychiatry is crazymaking.

...

@Komm_Süsser_Tod This woman sounds quite inconsiderate and hurtful to you. You deserve better and yes I'd probably advise you to stay away for your own safety. Sorry she did that. :(

 

[greencondo]

Hey, thank you for your comment. I wouldn't say it feels good when she comes back. I'm under stress and pain when I'm dealing with her tbh. I want her to get better but I feel like I hurt her more than help. This relationship started when I wasn't depressed btw. She texts me when I left her snap.

she's not going to be motivated to get help when men are paying her bills and coming back to her after she leaves them. Why bother to do uncomfortable self work? This will be a pattern for years until she's ready to address it.

The best think you can do for both of you (or anyone) is learn how to handle the abandonment issues. They might always be there but you can channel the better. You cant ask or expect others in your life to get help if you aren't willing to.

Good wishes and thoughts for you.

 

[Komm_Süsser_Tod]

She keeps posting she is single. Haven't given her any money which I'm proud of but am I wrong to not trust her because of this? She promised she wouldn't.

 

[noaccount]

She keeps posting she is single. Haven't given her any money which I'm proud of but am I wrong to not trust her because of this? She promised she wouldn't.

You're not wrong. Good for you for standing your ground.

 

[Justsogone]

She keeps posting she is single. Haven't given her any money which I'm proud of but am I wrong to not trust her because of this? She promised she wouldn't.

What she is doing is actually a pretty basic thing that girls does when they just ended a relationship and want to provoke you.
Keep your chin up.

 

[greencondo]

She keeps posting she is single. Haven't given her any money which I'm proud of but am I wrong to not trust her because of this? She promised she wouldn't.

You need to get help for yourself. This shouldn't even be a question like this. Or stay as you are and settle in for a long self hating toxic ride. In my opinion of course. Because If not her, it will be someone else or another addiction that is able to clamp onto the dysfunction you're not addressing.

Take care.
edited for clarity

 

[little helpers]

I have abandonment issues, I hate drama but I would feel terrible if I leave her. She has so much bad stuff going on in her life. I agree what I do is on me but I can't say no to people. I've always had this issue.

have to say your situation is a bit tricky. but think about this, does she really love you? do *you* feel loved/supported in this relationship or were you simply going out for *her*? with the anticipation that one day she's gonna love you back?

I hate to admit this but, offline, I'm everyone's least-favorite "I'm calling you for your financial support again" junkie. I can be quite the jerk sometimes. that being said, I NEVER go flirt with random girls on the internet just so I can fund my habit. it's almost a long-established rule on drug-related subreddits to never hand out money. (@Simba don't get scammed again.) you don't owe her nothing. just run. run.

This is important to know because MANIPULATION is something that any person can be capable of - with a diagnosis or without - and in fact our culture sadly NORMALIZES manipulation and exploitation in many forms. In romantic relationships, in the workplace, and elsewhere. So it is not a "deviant person" thing to be manipulative.

^ this and

the "check boxes" for "borderline personality" ("forming identities around other people's desires")…..criteria for "autistic" or "antisocial" ("not forming an identity that matches what society wants.")

^ this. it does *not* negate the fact that when given/understood *properly*, by shrinks and by the general public, PDs remain meaningful diagnoses. but you gotta need a gold award for it. ideals and realities are very far apart and this *is* how psychiatry is run in reality.

 

[Gaybonez]

it wouldn't been a waste of money if she had offered you something of value in return.
It was not a fair trade, all things considered.

but you'll learn.
money's just money.
it's important we learn from our mistakes/bad experiences as to avoid them in the future.

This. Ass, grass, or......breakup.