Venting Did I ask for too much?

[struggles_inc]

Recently I had the unpleasure to be yelled at by a client. The reason for them screaming all kinds of slurs at me was that I offered them a video call instead of just talking in chat. I understand some people are introverted, but we needed to talk money, so I saw a video call as solid option. Anyway, he reacted in a very inadequate way, not much to my surprise. I got a couple voice messages calling me all kinds of names.

He's been rude to me since the moment we got to know each other. About half a year. That was the breaking point for me. I noticed that he was rude only to me, though he also talked to some of my colleagues. I'm not sure if gender nuance is present here, but I'm a girl and they're all guys. Anyway, I asked a male colleague to talk to this lovely gent on my behalf and drop him as a client because I can't anymore (he won't be punished for dropping a client since, well, I'm the company founder).
I asked this, completely understanding this is just a request, and he has the right to say no. And, well, he did.

He said to me he's not going to be my buffer zone. He said all that is exclusively my problem. He said he's not going to defend me.

At this point, I feel like two people were rude to me for no freaking reason. Did I ask for too much?
I know no one owes me anything. But I feel like this was not a neutral work conversation.

 

[Unspoken7612]

Sounds like you're the boss - is that correct? If so, you'd be well within your rights to delegate this sort of task to one of your employees, and to tell them to do it rather than ask.

That said, good leadership would probably involve you doing it yourself and it's somewhat understandable that a subordinate would be reluctant to do this sort of task, especially if this client has an anger issue.

You shouldn't have to feel unsafe, so maybe dropping the client via email is your best bet. Do you have a generic company email address you could use rather than one with a gendered name?

Otherwise - look, we're not there with you, we can only go off what you have told us, which even with the best of intentions is going to omit some details. I can't imagine any excuse for the client's behaviour and it sounds wildly disproportionate. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

[struggles_inc]

Sounds like you're the boss - is that correct? If so, you'd be well within your rights to delegate this sort of task to one of your employees, and to tell them to do it rather than ask.

That said, good leadership would probably involve you doing it yourself and it's somewhat understandable that a subordinate would be reluctant to do this sort of task, especially if this client has an anger issue.

You shouldn't have to feel unsafe, so maybe dropping the client via email is your best bet. Do you have a generic company email address you could use rather than one with a gendered name?

Otherwise - look, we're not there with you, we can only go off what you have told us, which even with the best of intentions is going to omit some details. I can't imagine any excuse for the client's behaviour and it sounds wildly disproportionate. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I was never confronted directly by the client about something they are not satisfied with, I imagine there is something bothering them, but my attempts to talk this out are just in vain. Yeah, I just wrote them an email, telling them our collaboration has been cancelled.

You're right about the leadership stuff. I am the boss and all, I'm just not a bossy type of person. I don't enjoy giving orders. Maybe I should use a harsher approach, but I just have no energy in me right now to even remotely take a power stance. I'm basically worn out by this situation and I don't get why people tend to make it worse by being extremely insensitive.

 

[username12345]

Sounds like you're the boss - is that correct? If so, you'd be well within your rights to delegate this sort of task to one of your employees, and to tell them to do it rather than ask.

That said, good leadership would probably involve you doing it yourself and it's somewhat understandable that a subordinate would be reluctant to do this sort of task, especially if this client has an anger issue.

You shouldn't have to feel unsafe, so maybe dropping the client via email is your best bet. Do you have a generic company email address you could use rather than one with a gendered name?

Otherwise - look, we're not there with you, we can only go off what you have told us, which even with the best of intentions is going to omit some details. I can't imagine any excuse for the client's behaviour and it sounds wildly disproportionate. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Yeah tbh it seems like a lot of context is left out but yeah slurs is never acceptable

 

[struggles_inc]

I can try to give context. This client is an author who published their first book this year, with the printing business I already worked with before. Since there have been previous contracts with the publisher, we took this author's book for a campaign as well.

I assume he was in-between two companies, his personal decisions regarding the campaign meant less than his publisher's, and didn't like it, idk honestly. Anyway, I had to work directly with him because I needed the material for advertising. So we talked a lot, met irl, and he was very negative all the time. I know it's just my perspective, but it seemed like he didn't care for the campaign at all when we were doing our first interview. My point turned out to be true when he decided to change the campaign goal mid process, much to the publisher's dissatisfaction. Basically, this means that we had to remake a lot of stuff because he initially didn't pay attention.

Then there was this thing with the comments he made. He cussed all the time, and, when shown something he didn't like, he would reply "total shit" without elaborating. I had to guess what was wrong.

I don't know why he didn't cut collaboration with me by himself. Maybe the publisher pushed him to continue, and he was just taking it out on me. Anyway, I wrote him today to tell that there will be no further marketing for his book. Hopefully, I won't lose contact with the publisher on other authors they have, but I am just completely exhausted.

My company is not really like a media corporation, I can't just push this guy to other department, away from my view. I don't have enough fuck-you money for that. So I had to deal with him sometimes, even after I hired a person who usually talks to authors.

I guess that's the whole story.

 

[Grumble]

I asked a male colleague to talk to this lovely gent on my behalf and drop him as a client because I can't anymore
I asked this, completely understanding this is just a request, and he has the right to say no. And, well, he did.

He said to me he's not going to be my buffer zone. He said all that is exclusively my problem. He said he's not going to defend me.

First of all, the client sounds like a jackass. Good riddance. And good luck to whoever has to deal with him next.

But about this colleague. Is "colleague" the best word here? I feel like "my employee" would be a better way to refer to a subordinate in this situation?

If you asked him to do this on your behalf and gave him the option of declining, then it was certainly his prerogative to decline. Whether or not it was disrespectful (out of line), I think, would depend on his tone and body language. What you've written here... On the surface, it sounds like he disrespected you. However, it depends on the overall tone of the conversation. And, to an extent, whether what you asked of him falls within his job responsibilities. I'd also consider the quality of your professional relationship: Are you guys good with each other? Do you value his work? Do you respect him as an employee? Do you feel respected by him as his boss? Do you trust him?

I know no one owes me anything.

An employee and their boss owe each other a fundamental level of respect.

Every business needs leadership. Every business with employees has a hierarchy that must be respected and preserved, otherwise the whole thing can come crumbling down.

You are providing your employees with the money they need to live. Give yourself permission to assert yourself with them. If you're having trouble doing this, something you could do is envision yourself in their position and think about how you would want to be told something. What if you were the employee and someone else was the boss? What would be acceptable? What would be unacceptable?

You say you're not a bossy person. But is what you want to communicate to your employees actually being "bossy"? Or is it just normal, everyday professional communication? Switch positions with them in your mind, and maybe you'll see that you're not being so "bossy" after all.

 

[struggles_inc]

First of all, the client sounds like a jackass. Good riddance. And good luck to whoever has to deal with him next.

But about this colleague. Is "colleague" the best word here? I feel like "my employee" would be a better way to refer to a subordinate in this situation?

If you asked him to do this on your behalf and gave him the option of declining, then it was certainly his prerogative to decline. Whether or not it was disrespectful (out of line), I think, would depend on his tone and body language. What you've written here... On the surface, it sounds like he disrespected you. However, it depends on the overall tone of the conversation. And, to an extent, whether what you asked of him falls within his job responsibilities. I'd also consider the quality of your professional relationship: Are you guys good with each other? Do you value his work? Do you respect him as an employee? Do you feel respected by him as his boss? Do you trust him?


An employee and their boss owe each other a fundamental level of respect.

Every business needs leadership. Every business with employees has a hierarchy that must be respected and preserved, otherwise the whole thing can come crumbling down.

You are providing your employees with the money they need to live. Give yourself permission to assert yourself with them. If you're having trouble doing this, something you could do is envision yourself in their position and think about how you would want to be told something. What if you were the employee and someone else was the boss? What would be acceptable? What would be unacceptable?

You say you're not a bossy person. But is what you want to communicate to your employees actually being "bossy"? Or is it just normal, everyday professional communication? Switch positions with them in your mind, and maybe you'll see that you're not being so "bossy" after all.

I… guess you're right. I'll have to think about that. The thing is, even though they are employees, I think of them as colleagues due to the fact that most of them have more job experience than me and/or are older. Idk it's just weird to me to refer to them as someone on a lower position. But I understand where you're coming from.

Regarding boss-employee relationships, I've been on both sides. I mean that I saw toxic people in management, encountered those who tried to work their employees to death and so on. I learned from that before I started my own company.

This particular employee is a close one, at least from my perspective. We basically started together. They have been included in the project with that client but then switched to another one. So that was really just a request, not something they actually had to do. I don't think I am allowed to be assertive in situations like that, and the problem for me is not they refused. Literally had the right to. It's how hostile the response was, seemingly out of nowhere. I talked to them today, about a different topic though, and everything was back to usual. Laid-back, calm, respectful. Idk where that response came from, since I'm not requesting help (aka extra work) on a regular basis.

Maybe they got annoyed I didn't deal with that situation myself. Since a lot of trusted people in my company have more experiences in various fields I'm hardly familiar with, some are way more competent than I am. They also have kind of an assertive style in sales and client management, that's partially the reason we had this publishing client on our side, and maybe they were disappointed that I was too soft. I'm not mad at them, mostly upset and kinda mad at myself.

I'm not planning to develop this situation in any way or disrespect anyone's work, this thread is more about what I feel in all this. I'm really not that interested in conflicts and I rarely get angry at partners, colleagues, employees etc. That makes it really easy for people to hurt my feelings at work. And the whole situation made me sad.

 

[Grumble]

I'm not mad at them, mostly upset and kinda mad at myself.

I'm not planning to develop this situation in any way or disrespect anyone's work, this thread is more about what I feel in all this. I'm really not that interested in conflicts and I rarely get angry at partners, colleagues, employees etc. That makes it really easy for people to hurt my feelings at work. And the whole situation made me sad.

Your self-criticism and feelings of sadness are very apparent in what you've written here. It's so apparent, in fact, that I am feeling it too. I can literally feel the sadness in your words in this thread. While I can usually get some understanding about what/how somebody is feeling when I read posts on this forum, I don't usually absorb what they're feeling, myself.

So, what I was trying to get at here was to sort of... nudge you or encourage you to go a little easier on yourself and to allow yourself a little more leeway. To your topic question, "Did I ask for too much?" My immediate, initial reaction to that was, "Hell no!!" And this extra context only reinforces that.

For whatever it's worth, you sound like an empathetic, kind, considerate boss. I would work for somebody like you in a heartbeat. I wish you the very best in navigating your role in this company.