This is a very long pity-party story so I understand most will not read, which is okay. Maybe I should make it a separate 'introduction' thread somewhere?
It absolutely played a role for me, as shameful and pathetic as it is to admit...
First of all, I am extremely introverted, and 'lockdown' itself for a short period did not destroy me. Introverted though I am, I was always extremely outgoing: long drives to far-away towns, hikes, out and about just enjoying nature and people watching and so forth.
All of those outgoing activities, such as visiting serene nature and hiking trails (talking about USA here) were quickly overcrowded places during covid and no longer sanctuaries; everyone was suddenly a nature enthusiast. I do not blame them, but this took away escape because...
I was never a big believer/worshipper of the covid stuff. Once it became politicized (USA) where dislike covid hyseria = nazi, right-wing racist, trump/putin lover and love all the covid histrionics = communist, leftist, censor all tech enforce vaccine passport...My anxiety was unbearable. Again, I am introverted. Now everything was a potential political confrontation, and I am apolitical and just wanted peace in my life. Of course, most people did not fit these false dichotomies (nazi if you hate covid, commie if you love covid) created by the media, but since so many businesses shut down and everywhere was just a somber masked up nightmare, time online started to fuck with my mind.
Then I did the dumbest thing ever, despite anxiety racking my brain and having left my job and everything, I was actually incredibly happy because I was with my girlfriend of a long time, and grew very close to her. But, desperate for 'escape' especially from what seemed like growing chaos in the USA, I made a sudden rash decision to go study in Japan when the borders opened in 2022. You can get a student visa to study the language for 2 years at a language school, which is affordable, and cost of living was way cheaper in Japan (apartment was about ~$400 usd/month). I KNEW it was the wrong decision, but I had dreamed of going to Japan like this, and life was seeming more and more finite. I figured, based on past shitty long-term relationships, I would eventually move on and be okay. And hey, you won't get shanked at an ATM or mugged/beaten for perceived political affiliation there I figured.
So although it destroyed me I suddenly decided to leave, betraying my girlfriend's trust and love, in tears and knowing it was wrong but unable to turn back or fix it. I arrived in Japan and while covid had just ended in USA (2022), it was still 'active' in Japan. They did not close as many businesses and activities as the USA, basically they just treated everything as normal as long as you had a mask on...but were much more adherent to masking i.e. outdoors including during rainstorms, exercising, and so on. I thus have no idea what any of my teachers, fellow students, or anyone I 'met' even looked like. My anxiety and depression became unbearably until I just had to relent on my dreams after one year, having learned shit for the language due to the covid measures. I would have been okay had I not nuked my only valued relation in life, or been an alcoholic--because if you went to drink at a bar all the sudden covid didn't exist. But I had long had to move on from abusing alcohol.
I spent my time wandering around parks taking long walks. Everyone says 'just walk outside for fresh air, it will fix all depression' after all. It helped at first, but again even outside in parks everyone had a mask on, and if I was just a lover/believer of the covid shit, I guess that would not bother me. But it started to make going out difficult, getting something like agoraphobia but going out anyway. My muscle tension got extreme from anxiety, yet I was working out a lot 'to cure depression' and ended up sort of cementing and reinforcing muscle tension. I developed chronic pain from this, walks no longer being relieving but a painful ordeal despite an active lifestyle, and it seems my posture is permanently fucked up have no idea what sitting or standing is supposed to be like or able to get into a comfortable position. I used to think I was sad when I cried once every couple weeks or so. Since then (2022) I average crying/in despair/DPDR for about 1-2 hours a day, every single day.
But my girlfriend reached out a few months short of a year there so I resolved to go back and was in a better mood. I had taken to abusing extremely potent cannabinoids (HHCP, HHCPO, THCPO, THCH etc.) which were legal in Japan (seems they have no analogue acts but ban substances one at a time, like each month banning new ones). This made everything into a more surreal nightmare, DPDR, anxiety, etc. And my pain worse too. But, I thought it was a healing, psychedelic 'hard look' at my life and teaching me tough lessons.
I returned to the USA and tried to mend my relationship. My girlfriend seemed friendly again. But, suddenly, she turned on me, I think at the advice or her mom/sister. She went from friendly to driving me to drop me off at a random hotel within hours, then sent a text message telling me we cannot even be friends. She blocked me shortly after, so I have no more context. I continued living in the same city, hoping she would reach out again. Everywhere I go reminds me of all our good times, and the 'better' I am feeling the worse I feel, because I know I just threw away everything and ended up right back where I was but now permanently without the only thing precious in my life.
I frequently just cannot hold back tears at school (trying to 'move on' by going back to school as an old man), out and about at grocery stores, just walking in public...I used to be embarrassed. But having cried hundreds of time, and I mean horrible about to die and burn in hell crying, I do see that literally not one person gives even half a fuck that you are suffering. It's kind of funny really. I am just like the homeless people all over the streets passed out on fentanyl. Nobody gives a fuck just walking over the bodies like they are the dog shit most people leave on the sidewalks. So now, I'll just go all the way, it's been years now but I am beyond repair, mostly due to my age (40) which makes recovery a long process and having experienced the loss of everything, every friend, work etc pre-covid, I see no point. I rebuilt my life after partaking in the pointless American "Gulf War 2: NUKULERR WEPPINZ!" and felt pride in resilience. I see now though how paper thin that life I built was, and am back in the darkest moments I was like in the war.
So rebuild my life? How could I get the energy. I am now just giving into drugs to stop from crying for hours a day.
Those of you young during this covid shit, I think it was traumatic but youth is on your side, it may be worth it to rebuild. But try not to work too hard/pay too much taxes.
I hope all the COVID bullshit was worth it for everyone else. It did not work out for me. I'd have rather contracted bad covid and been euthanized in those hospice units they set up (yes they did that in places, my girlfriend was working at a hospital at the time). Getting officially euthanized sounds like a hell of a privilege, what a thing to think.
