Venting Did anyone's family reinforce the notion that you didn't matter

[Gaga786]

I have always felt like my feelings and beliefs don't matter. It was like as if I was created to just serve other people. My parents, from a very young age, taught me to give up my seat to my relatives and guests in general and serve the other person. It was like I was taught to be inferior to the other person.Once, I was on our boat with our relatives, everyone else was taking our jet ski and having fun except me. So I also wanted to go on it, but my family refused to let me and told me that I should not get on until our guests and relatives have all gone on it. I understand catering the guests needs, but what about my needs ? I also wanted to have fun. No one cared about me . Another time I was in a theme park with a few of my relatives, and I was eating fries until suddenly my mother snatched them from me and gave it to my relatives and their children. I felt shocked. Now due to such incidents and their grooming, im the biggest people pleaser– my happiness revolves around pleasing the other person and being kind to them. I withheld my feelings, while growing up, thinking they don't matter and never wished to share my opinions and ideas. And it just hurts to recall and think I never mattered, which is a good thing given that people won't care about me after I pass away and it might be easier for them to move on.

 

[EmmaD]

Oh GOD!!! Yes I relate to this so much!!!! I'm so sorry you've had this. Have you ever had therapy or worked out why they treated you this way?
I'm the black sheep in my family and always have been! My older half sister is my mum's favourite.. when I was a teenager, my sister was grown up and living elsewhere but she had a door key to mine and my parents house when I wasn't even allowed one!
But to be honest, when I lived at home my parents literally liked the dog more than me! My dad would get home from work, say hi to the dog and ignore me!!!! what the fuck!!!

 

[Gaga786]

Oh GOD!!! Yes I relate to this so much!!!! I'm so sorry you've had this. Have you ever had therapy or worked out why they treated you this way?
I'm the black sheep in my family and always have been! My older half sister is my mum's favourite.. when I was a teenager, my sister was grown up and living elsewhere but she had a door key to mine and my parents house when I wasn't even allowed one!
But to be honest, when I lived at home my parents literally liked the dog more than me! My dad would get home from work, say hi to the dog and ignore me!!!! what the fuck!!!

Thats exactly how I feel. I have had countless therapy, but I feel it doesn't help me at all. My mother was occupied with my siblings and their marriages– I was just 5 years old when my sister got married off and 7 when she had her first child. My brother was my father's favourite, and he treated me inferior to him. It just seemed like I was bound to be neglected by all sides. I know they did it unintentionally, but it just hurts seeing the damage it caused. I should add that they seem very apologetic now and have realised their mistakes– which is a positive sign, but I still can't ignore the neglect in our relationship.
Im sorry that you had to endure that; it truly is horrifying as a child

 

[EmmaD]

I'm glad they realised they were wrong to have treated you that way. But yes what's done is done and now you have to live with the consequences of their actions! Not fair at all.
I would love to know what it's like to grow up with parents who love and value you and stand up for their kids. This is why people like me and you grow up feeling bad through and through, and that feeling never goes away!

 

[Sweet Tart]

Yes, I was raised to be the caretaker/scapegoat. My only value was what I could do for others or how I could make my parents look good. Failing at those things meant I was shameful. I didn't have an identity apart from what my parents needed me to be. In my mid-40s, I'm only just starting to see the gaslighting, projection, and manipulation for what it is. Also the rejection. I'm queer and my family pretends to be cool with it but it's obvious they're not comfortable with it or supportive of me having a non-straight life.

 

[Gaga786]

Yes, I was raised to be the caretaker/scapegoat. My only value was what I could do for others or how I could make my parents look good. Failing at those things meant I was shameful. I didn't have an identity apart from what my parents needed me to be. In my mid-40s, I'm only just starting to see the gaslighting, projection, and manipulation for what it is. Also the rejection. I'm queer and my family pretends to be cool with it but it's obvious they're not comfortable with it or supportive of me having a non-straight life.

Absolutely same. I'm gay and my family also beleives that it's just a phase, or an illness. They want me to pray to magically make me straight. They often say that I'm 'confused' or its part of my depression.

 

[kindalone]

I definitely turned out to be a people pleaser who now doesn't even know what he wants. I always felt subjected to the whims and opinions of others. I always had to fulfill my mother's expectation of being a good son. So I needed to be polite and good in school. The money people gifted me was to pay them back on their birthdays because we weren't leeches who are indebted to others and take their money and gifts. I even had endure a 3 week hell crash course of her native language with physical ane emotional abuse just because some woman said that it was odd that I can't speak that language. So some woman's opinion of me was more important than my wellbeing. I don't know if my father was better or worse. He never was interested in what I was doing or how I turned out to be. At least he didn't hurt me as often.

So yeah, I didn't really matter. What I wanted was irrelevant. Weird thing is, she always thought she could teach me to be a leader. In the end, she just turned me into a slave with no desire of their own.

 

[Gaga786]

I definitely turned out to be a people pleaser who now doesn't even know what he wants. I always felt subjected to the whims and opinions of others. I always had to fulfill my mother's expectation of being a good son. So I needed to be polite and good in school. The money people gifted me was to pay them back on their birthdays because we weren't leeches who are indebted to others and take their money and gifts. I even had endure a 3 week hell crash course of her native language with physical ane emotional abuse just because some woman said that it was odd that I can't speak that language. So some woman's opinion of me was more important than my wellbeing. I don't know if my father was better or worse. He never was interested in what I was doing or how I turned out to be. At least he didn't hurt me as often.

So yeah, I didn't really matter. What I wanted was irrelevant. Weird thing is, she always thought she could teach me to be a leader. In the end, she just turned me into a slave with no desire of their own.

I'm really sorry that you had to endure that. No one deserves that, and I too feel like I don't know where my destiny lies and what I really desire now.

 

[EternalSunshine<3]

Yeah this is a tough subject. On one hand, my value as a person shouldnt be determined by the people around me. But on the other hand, its so hard to just ignore what other people think of me.

I just keep reminding myself how many different opinions and beliefs there are in the world. Obviously I cant cater to then all, some views would conflict. So therefore why should I care about any one persons view of me??

I am who I am, im going to do what makes me happy because in the end that's all that really matters. If someone disagrees with who I am or what im doing then that's alright too because that happens all the time no matter if I try to please people or just try to please myself.

 

[The anhedonic one]

My narcissistic Mother, paedophile stepfather, and toxic Sister made it crystal clear that if I should drop dead right in front of them, then they would probably have just laughed and walked away.
I was an incredibly insecure people pleaser, black sheep, and scapegoat all rolled into one huge soul - crushed pile of misery.

 

[Fireheart]

I have always felt like my feelings and beliefs don't matter. It was like as if I was created to just serve other people. My parents, from a very young age, taught me to give up my seat to my relatives and guests in general and serve the other person. It was like I was taught to be inferior to the other person.Once, I was on our boat with our relatives, everyone else was taking our jet ski and having fun except me. So I also wanted to go on it, but my family refused to let me and told me that I should not get on until our guests and relatives have all gone on it. I understand catering the guests needs, but what about my needs ? I also wanted to have fun. No one cared about me . Another time I was in a theme park with a few of my relatives, and I was eating fries until suddenly my mother snatched them from me and gave it to my relatives and their children. I felt shocked. Now due to such incidents and their grooming, im the biggest people pleaser– my happiness revolves around pleasing the other person and being kind to them. I withheld my feelings, while growing up, thinking they don't matter and never wished to share my opinions and ideas. And it just hurts to recall and think I never mattered, which is a good thing given that people won't care about me after I pass away and it might be easier for them to move on.

I can relate so much to this. Im really sorry you had to go through that. I've experienced the same many times. It's my birthday today and i had asked my mom to makey favourite dish bcz i like how makes it. She outright refused. I was still happy the whole day bcz of my friends. But then at nights my parents start having one of their fights again nd dragged me into it. This always happens. They'll always fight, then drag into it and start getting angry when I don't take sides.

 

[CarpDiem2288]

Yes, I tried to reach out to them for help. Basically the cost for my life right now, for the lifeboat I need to literally survive, is about 20K and the cold-hearted reality and realization is that my life is not worth that much to them. It just hurts beyond words, especially since I was always someone who literally gave food out of my mouth to someone else in need. So now when I am in desperate need, there is no one to help me.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I have always felt like my feelings and beliefs don't matter. It was like as if I was created to just serve other people. My parents, from a very young age, taught me to give up my seat to my relatives and guests in general and serve the other person. It was like I was taught to be inferior to the other person.Once, I was on our boat with our relatives, everyone else was taking our jet ski and having fun except me. So I also wanted to go on it, but my family refused to let me and told me that I should not get on until our guests and relatives have all gone on it. I understand catering the guests needs, but what about my needs ? I also wanted to have fun. No one cared about me . Another time I was in a theme park with a few of my relatives, and I was eating fries until suddenly my mother snatched them from me and gave it to my relatives and their children. I felt shocked. Now due to such incidents and their grooming, im the biggest people pleaser– my happiness revolves around pleasing the other person and being kind to them. I withheld my feelings, while growing up, thinking they don't matter and never wished to share my opinions and ideas. And it just hurts to recall and think I never mattered, which is a good thing given that people won't care about me after I pass away and it might be easier for them to move on.

This was pretty much me. For instance if their water was empty it was just expected that I get up go fill it for them. If I didn't just "know" it needed to be done and didn't do it without being asked I'd be yelled at. This people pleasing probably had something to do with me wanting to become a doctor and everything that happened. The shitty thing is I can't not be it now. I hate people because most are just shitty but I can't not try and be a people pleaser. I certainly never mattered to them. Soon as I was a victim of a crime and my medical school dreams were ruined by the university even though it wasn't my fault they ran for the hills.

Yes, I was raised to be the caretaker/scapegoat. My only value was what I could do for others or how I could make my parents look good. Failing at those things meant I was shameful. I didn't have an identity apart from what my parents needed me to be. In my mid-40s, I'm only just starting to see the gaslighting, projection, and manipulation for what it is. Also the rejection. I'm queer and my family pretends to be cool with it but it's obvious they're not comfortable with it or supportive of me having a non-straight life.

It's probably a little abnormal for someone to call themselves a black sheep in the family, scapegoat, and be right. This is basically how my parents are. I did have an identity apart from it but they also sort of isolated me from people. So I could only ever be alone. Now I don't know how to interact with people. It's the opposite for me. I think my parents would prefer if I was LGBTQ.

My narcissistic Mother, paedophile stepfather, and toxic Sister made it crystal clear that if I should drop dead right in front of them, then they would probably have just laughed and walked away.
I was an incredibly insecure people pleaser, black sheep, and scapegoat all rolled into one huge soul - crushed pile of misery.

Oh I don't doubt my parents wish I would die. Hell I think there would be a full on celebration if I killed myself.