TED rant ahead
Background:
(a) all the supposed MH "professionals" over the previous year had gaslighted me about cognitive issues that I knew weren't caused by my MH condition, but I wasn't sure where to even begin getting help (and it turned out even worse, because it was in fact -their very prescriptions- that had been CAUSING the issues and not one of them ever suggested or examined that possibility, instead they made it clear that they thought I just needed to have a more positive attitude)
and
(b) I'd had to go to the ER recently for a medical issue and was subjected to what can only be described as a MH interrogation, which -when I point blank told the interrogater she was actively making my situation worse, she told me that I'd be locked up if I didn't answer all her questions. (WTF?!?!)
So, I actually sought out a previous therapist, one who had gone into private practise shortly before all this had started, because I needed (a) supposed MH providers who actually heard me, actually believed my lived experience, and actually tried to help me, not just try to sell me a bunch of bullshit by calling it rainbows and unicorns and (b) I needed to be able to communicate honestly with supposed MH "providers" even in an ER -a place that I would absolutely, under no circumstances ever seek any mental health care (something I repeated several different ways to her)- and point blank told her that "If I am made to experience any more Mother-Fucking Psychiatric Crisis Fucking Interventions, for any reason, for the rest of my life —without exception— I will be [made suicidal]." I.e. I'm not currently suicidal, but being interrogated or imprisoned because I believe in my own right to kill myself and I will be made actively suicidial -without exception.
Less than two weeks later, after taking the max amount of a third medication (at least this time it wasn't prescribed by MH, but for GI issues) the cognitive issues that I had been gaslighted about drastically escalated -while I was driving at interstate speed to an appointment with therapist.
When I got to her office, I txted her a very brief summary of what had just happened. Instead of asking what I wanted to do (I honestly really just wanted to sit on her sofa and tell her what had happened) she suggested that she take me to the ER. My gut instinct was a "Hell NO!". But then I remembered I had told her about being gaslighted about this very issue for over a year, I told her exactly what I'd do if subjected to any supposed MH " treatments" in an ER, and I made the mistake of trusting her; although I did tell her I was not willing to go for any MH treatment at all, I was ONLY willing to go for medical care.
I'd rather she have dropped me as a patient than subject me to what she did next.
I was not actively suicidal when I left my house that morning.
I was not actively suicidal when I arrived at her office that morning.
I was not actively suicidal when I walked into the ER with her that morning.
Since the moment I crossed the threshold into that mother-f'ing coffin room, I have been actively suicidial.
After more than a year of being gaslighted and otherwise completely failed by supposed MH " providers", I'm killing myself BECAUSE of the unasked for, unwanted, unneeded, pleaded not to be subjected to it, MH crisis " treatment" that I was subjected to when I sought -and could only benefit from- exclusively, unbiased medical care.
I'm not sure if any of them could have actually helped me anymore, but what they did to me proved -beyond doubt- that this is no longer a world that I'm willing to find ways of fitting into, this is now only a world that I need to get the hell out of!
That's what supposed MH "professionals" did to me -they broke me beyond repair and made me actively suicidal when I hadn't been.
All of which is to say, I'd rather be dropped as a patient than be subjected to what I was subjected to.
To be clear, this does not mean that dropping a patient, particularly without providing viable alternatives, is acceptable in any way.
