Venting dicking around watching anime when i'm supposed to kill myself before nye

[monetpompo]

rewatched death note last week and now i'm watching code geass. you should watch death note if you haven't. it was one of my childhood animes and something i couldn't talk about with other people since no one watched it. i feel silly since i don't know why i'm starting up shows if i'm just gonna be dead. i don't know when biding my time just starts becoming procrastination. i need to be dead. i've been dealing with a period and a cold all week so i've been kind of inactive. i can't take trips to the forest when i'm sick like this. i feel like my life if my life is too comfortable then i'll lose my edge and i won't remember all the nights i spent in complete anguish and in isolation because i had no one in my life to rely on. i'm able to make plans with my friends more often because it's holiday break, but i was still really alone for most of the year. my entire summer i was holed up in the room or visiting the forest because i kept thinking of attempting. i was supposed to kil myself months ago. even though people, hobbies, food, or anything enjoyable can lead to me getting distracted and not remembering how aimless my life is, i'm still the thing that decides whether i live or die every day. i get scared that i'm never going to die sometimes. dying of old age is horrifying because that would make me feel like i have no autonomy over my life at all. i want to be able to die whenever i want to or whenever my life becomes too aimless and miserable, and it's gotten to that point. my friends can't support or understand me enough to get me out of my constant depression. no one's going to buy me therapy and find the right therapist. i can't get a license and i have no interest in college anymore. i'm too socially anxious and resentful to go back into a classroom. i hate that i look at couples in public and feel like an invisible person because i'm single and undateable. it's so embarrassing to be a suicidal loser (directed at me). normal people don't get upset at happy people just living their lives. i don't want to hate people.

it's very confusing why anyone would like me at all. i don't have any redeeming traits. i just exist and i try to be a good person but i don't really deserve any praise or comfort for just being alive. i'm always aware of the fact that my sister has a more fulfilling life than me while i sit in my room, unemployed and wasting away because i have nothing. i have friends from when i was enrolled in college but my relationship with most of them is distant. i keep most people i know at an arm's length because i ghost people when i get depressed. it keeps me from oversharing about my depression when i know they don't care. if i was born a guy instead of a trans guy, my life might've been harder in some ways. maybe people wouldn't want to be friends with me because i had bad social skills like my brother, who's nonverbal. maybe i'd be an incel that hates girls for some reason. i mostly just feel like a downgrade of my sister. i know i shouldn't compare myself to her all the time, but she makes me wish that i was straight and cis the way she is. i think that i would feel normal and not fucked up and stupid if my gender identity and my sexual identity didn't make me "different". i don't even feel gay, because no one sees me as a man anwyays. it's tiring. it's tiring to try and exist as myself because it always feels wrong in some way, even if i'm not completely aware of it. the trans community here makes a lot of sense even though it's depressing because being trans makes you feel wrong because you are wrong if people don't accept you for the way you are. i'm not positive about being trans at all because i'd rather be cis and not have to deal with dysphoria and judgement from others. deep down, i think that i don't want to be anyone's friend or to do well in life. i think i'm meant to be a suicidal loser that kills themselves. i think this is all my life is going to amount to.

 

[EmptyBottle]

the ability to recall detailed recollections is cool, and I like seeing posts about what people like doing :3

At least on SaSu, the trait of empathy is smth that u and others share... it's a valuable trait we share that hopefully reduces some of the suffering from each other.

PS: When "normal" people have a break up, for some time they might be annoyed at the non-broken-up others.

 

[Kazu Ha]

Death Note is such a good anime, I should definitely rewatch it, before I leave this filthy earth.
The same goes for Attack on Titan (I highly recommend it, if you don't know the anime yet).
I should also continue watching Demon Slayer and Jujutsu Kaisen, but it's so difficult when you just want to die...

I actually wanted to leave months ago, but I'm still alive and I regret it. Every second.
I'm slowly starting to hate myself for still being alive. I know I shouldn't do that...

That's easier said than done, but please don't be too hard on yourself. I see SaSu as one big family - we're all suffering here and we don't deserve it.

Btw, my little brother is also trans and I love him for coming out. I hate people who can't/won't accept that. School is hell for him and our mother still doesn't really respect his new identity.