Diary? Thing?

[femcelloser]

Please ignore this. Or don't. Maybe long. Ass threads where one guy talks to himself for way too long are your thing. Im gonna just keep posting comments here about bad thoughts I get and like the general happenings in my life. I'll use this place to repent. To cry to myself. Yk all the good stuff.

I'm making this for myself because I always like feel the need to just... Get all the shit in my head out. I always need to talk to someone. It's agonizing just keeping it all in here lmao.

I'll answer questions and talk to y'all if you wanna comment tho. I'm hoping in like a year I can analyze all this and do a huge character study on myself and to better articulate where it all went wrong lmao.

I'm probably gonna get dark as fuck but like.. that's why I'm here doing this lol. I tried a private journal but it really didn't work out. Probably because it's private? Idk

Anyways thanks for hosting this SaSu guys lmao

 

[femcelloser]

Y'know I don't think I'm ever going to kill myself. I think about it almost constantly. It's become an extremely warm idea to me. I go to bed thinking about it. I wake up wishing I woulda killed myself throughout the night. Most of my thoughts are muffled behind a constant "Fucking kill yourself asshole" voice that i cant make go away. But I'm so scared? Like it is absolutely horrifying to me. Not because I don't want to die. Or because I don't "know what happens after death" I genuinely couldn't give a shit. I don't care who I hurt. I've become a truly horrible selfish thing, I don't know why I'm so scared. I mean I do know. Death is scary. It's just "the end". Genuinely horrifying stuff. For that reason I don't think I could ever like. Kill myself fully.

Maybe it'll just stay a pleasant coping mechanism I dunno

I've been smoking a shit ton of cigerattes. You guys heavy smokers? It doesn't even do anything for me. Like I get a bit foggy but I'm not like smoking to calm any stresses. I think I've decided if I get cancer or some shit. I'll just let it take me. It's what I'm hoping for I think

 

[TransTaxEvader]

feel free to vent sister, we're all here for you.

 

[femcelloser]

I think I have BPD? My mom has it. I feel like I'm constantly on the brink of of a mental break. So many emotions at once all the goddamn time. But at the same time I have extreme anxious issues.

I was abused as a kid and there's like specific trauma I have regarding talking ? About stuff? I let people walk all over me because I would rather shut the fuck up instead of let any emotion take control and God forbid, being heard. I feel like an endless tug of war with my emotions. One side just wants to yell and shout at everyone I've ever known about how I want to end myself and how insufferable is it to be around them. But another side of me has this Crippling anxiety that stops me from ever raising my voice. It's a constant rage brewing inside my body.
God I go to work in 5 hours I need to get the fuck off this place and sleep at least a little bittt

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Y'know I don't think I'm ever going to kill myself. I think about it almost constantly. It's become an extremely warm idea to me. I go to bed thinking about it. I wake up wishing I woulda killed myself throughout the night. Most of my thoughts are muffled behind a constant "Fucking kill yourself asshole" voice that i cant make go away. But I'm so scared? Like it is absolutely horrifying to me. Not because I don't want to die. Or because I don't "know what happens after death" I genuinely couldn't give a shit. I don't care who I hurt. I've become a truly horrible selfish thing, I don't know why I'm so scared. I mean I do know. Death is scary. It's just "the end". Genuinely horrifying stuff. For that reason I don't think I could ever like. Kill myself fully.

Maybe it'll just stay a pleasant coping mechanism I dunno

I've been smoking a shit ton of cigerattes. You guys heavy smokers? It doesn't even do anything for me. Like I get a bit foggy but I'm not like smoking to calm any stresses. I think I've decided if I get cancer or some shit. I'll just let it take me. It's what I'm hoping for I think

I relate to so much of this.
Except I'm not a smoker

 

[Electra]

Maybe it'll just stay a pleasant coping mechanism I dunno

I relate to this so deeply.

 

[femcelloser]

I went overboard yesterday my head is fucking killing me I have work in 20 mins I fucked up
Today's gonna be a bad headspace day why didn't I fucking call off
Today's gonna be a bad headspace day why didn't I fucking call off
Nursed my headache away with nicotine and pain meds life is good again
Does anyone shut themselves off ? Like I work and I do my damnedest to pretend I'm normal here. I joke around and try to make good with my coworkers and don't show signs of "being broken" but once I'm alone in my room or something, which is basically any time I'm not working lol. I'm just... Gone? I almost don't think. And when I do, it's just bad suicide thoughts.

 

[femcelloser]

Life is so fucking boring do I really gotta sit here and just take orders and talk to assholes for 8 hours is this really what my life's become

 

[TransTaxEvader]

Does anyone shut themselves off ? Like I work and I do my damnedest to pretend I'm normal here. I joke around and try to make good with my coworkers and don't show signs of "being broken" but once I'm alone in my room or something, which is basically any time I'm not working lol. I'm just... Gone? I almost don't think. And when I do, it's just bad suicide thoughts.

I get that unfortunately, i really do. I wish i was brave enough to smoke my first cigarette but theyre just sitting in my truck beause im scared for some reason :/

 

[femcelloser]

I get that unfortunately, i really do. I wish i was brave enough to smoke my first cigarette but theyre just sitting in my truck beause im scared for some reason :/

Read this while smoking a cigeratte lol. I'd say don't if you can help it. Not sure if telling someone "this is bad for you* is very effective in a suicide forum lol. But they do genuinely make me feel like shit 24/7. I just think for me personally that's what I want lol

 

[Solace]

I was abused as a kid and there's like specific trauma I have regarding talking ? About stuff? I let people walk all over me because I would rather shut the fuck up instead of let any emotion take control and God forbid, being heard.

I'm really sorry to read all the horrible stuff you're going through, truly Do you think the people pleasing now comes from having to be hyper vigilant of people as a child to keep them from being cruel to you/flipping out? I ask because I'm pretty sure this is the case with me having learned to track my mom's emotions as a kid so much. That people pleasing, even when I'm angry as fuck on the inside, makes me feel so weak and useless.

 

[femcelloser]

I'm really sorry to read all the horrible stuff you're going through, truly Do you think the people pleasing now comes from having to be hyper vigilant of people as a child to keep them from being cruel to you/flipping out? I ask because I'm pretty sure this is the case with me having learned to track my mom's emotions as a kid so much. That people pleasing, even when I'm angry as fuck on the inside, makes me feel so weak and useless.

That's exactly how it is! As a kid I was like beat pretty bad and belittled and screamed at a pretty young age for the smallest things. I remember this one time I threatened to run away. And I woke up that night in the middle of the night to my mom on top of me whispering stuff in my ear about how she doesn't want me to be a fuck up ect. I had to pretend I was asleep and shit lol. Now I just let everything fester inside me. I loath confrontation. If someone even shows an inkling of disappointment in me I shut off. Unable to respond or move. Which sucks cuz yk the Bipolar I'm pretty sure I have also forced me to be Hysterical in pretty much every situation ever. Such a bad combo lmao

 

[TransTaxEvader]

But they do genuinely make me feel like shit 24/7.

valid argument against

That's exactly how it is! As a kid I was like beat pretty bad and belittled and screamed at a pretty young age for the smallest things. I remember this one time I threatened to run away. And I woke up that night in the middle of the night to my mom on top of me whispering stuff in my ear about how she doesn't want me to be a fuck up ect. I had to pretend I was asleep and shit lol. Now I just let everything fester inside me. I loath confrontation. If someone even shows an inkling of disappointment in me I shut off. Unable to respond or move. Which sucks cuz yk the Bipolar I'm pretty sure I have also forced me to be Hysterical in pretty much every situation ever. Such a bad combo lmao

thats fucking terrible Jesus christ im sorry you had to go through that. she needs to be fucking locked up.

 

[femcelloser]

Had a really bad dream last night. I'm gonna be shaking for awhile I think lmao