What the fuck is the point of even writing here? I write about how much I suffer, and how much I am unwilling to help myself. I talk about it and I find a release, only to find the same sense of disappointment in living again. So I hurt, only to release. Hurt, only to release.
I've been contacted by 4 of my professors the past week. They all said that if I missed 1 or 2 more requirements, I'll get a guaranteed F and then a drop. I didn't really reply to those emails. It didn't matter. All that it meant was that I was hurting myself again, and I wanted to express it by being irresponsible. And then all I've been doing is shitty music, stuck in my room. Even the music was monotonous itself. I deleted all of what I made last week. I guess apathy struck too much this time around.
I haven't really told anyone. Haven't told my closest friends (relatively) because the pity would just be too much. Telling it to my family would leave no space for me wanting to hurt myself. Haven't told her, as if that would change anything. We haven't talked in a good week, probably because she has things to do.
I've been thinking about solidifying my plan. Somewhere to buy SN around SEA. No painkillers or antacids first. I want to let people know that I took it, go to the hospital, and see what happens then. If I don't like what happens, I'll do it quietly.
There have been distributors of SN around here. Others opted for faking a company name to purchase directly from a distributor. Might opt for the latter.
I've been contacted by 4 of my professors the past week. They all said that if I missed 1 or 2 more requirements, I'll get a guaranteed F and then a drop. I didn't really reply to those emails. It didn't matter. All that it meant was that I was hurting myself again, and I wanted to express it by being irresponsible. And then all I've been doing is shitty music, stuck in my room. Even the music was monotonous itself. I deleted all of what I made last week. I guess apathy struck too much this time around.
I haven't really told anyone. Haven't told my closest friends (relatively) because the pity would just be too much. Telling it to my family would leave no space for me wanting to hurt myself. Haven't told her, as if that would change anything. We haven't talked in a good week, probably because she has things to do.
I've been thinking about solidifying my plan. Somewhere to buy SN around SEA. No painkillers or antacids first. I want to let people know that I took it, go to the hospital, and see what happens then. If I don't like what happens, I'll do it quietly.
There have been distributors of SN around here. Others opted for faking a company name to purchase directly from a distributor. Might opt for the latter.
