Diagnosed, in therapy, suicidal - but not enough courage

[Fizzy92]

I don't want to bother anyoke first of all.
I realise that everyone here has their unique set of problems, some of which are definitely larger than mine.

But I'm becoming more and more deperate every day.

I don't want to annoy you with the long version of my story. In short:
I've been suicidal for three quarters of a year now (not counting almost 14 years before that with occasional surges) and by now, I've tried everything but medication. The latter however is not something I'm willing to take. I'd rather die.

But why can't I gather the courage? I have several means of ending it at my immediate disposal. Still, for several weeks now, almost every evening I only manage to go so far, but never through with it.

It's slowly driving me mad knowing that I'm not even able to take the one exit left.

How can I get myself to overcome this last hurdle?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If you're into philosophy, here's a discussion on the Stoic perspective on courage and impulse in suicide:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/a-stoic-perspective-on-impulse-and-courage-in-ctb.32674/

 

[PhilosOfDoom]

You want your misery to end, but you don't actually want to die, correct? You're stuck in between to places, in a dilemma. You could "force" yourself, try and rebel against your body's natural defense via opioids, alcohol, encouragement, or you may try and recover from what is the true cause of your misery, and give in to your body's want to survive. We here support our members, we are here to vent and talk to if you desire. It's a psychological want to survive, what do you think causes this hesitancy? Do you think it's time for your ending, or is it impulsive?

To answer your question, there's multiple ways to "defeat" survival instinct. Substances, or making your like/motivation stronger than the will to survive. E.g, a minority ask for people to abuse themselves to give their wrong self-worthlessness the spark to alight the desire to die, which is a tragedy. You would need to lower your resistance to the idea. For example, if what causes your hesitation is hope for the future, you'd either have to de-root the cause, or artificially lower your inhibitions. Good luck on whichever path you pursue.