Venting Destined to always be lonely?

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

Maybe it's the rain but maybe it's because I've always felt this way.

Moved around a lot as a child into my adulthood, leaves me with no real friendships. Actually, my closest is my ex and his new wife.

Not close to family, I can go months without talking to my parents and my sister has officially disowned me for reasons I have no idea why. My kids are there but they're disgruntled teens. My dog runs away when I do cry (must be because it's something that is so foreign she doesn't know how to respond). So I kid myself into thinking my dog and kids are what keeps me here.

On days like today, I just want to CTB. It's been on my mind since 12... I'm 37 now.

My most recent birthday no one remembered, except for my parents, which consists of a poorly signed card and nothing more. But that's not the only time. Other holidays have the same outcome. I'm just alone...

I go to bed lonely and wake up trying to be thankful for another day, but I just can't seem to escape. Today is much worse than most, those who CTB today I envy. I wish I was brave enough. Melancholy... perfect word for today.

I've never been so supported as I feel in these virtual walls, so I thank this community. I want to stick around long enough to see my kids graduate but 6 years seems like an eternity right now. My pain is so heavy. It's like carrying a load of bricks and concrete on my back. Money issues are piling up, and I feel guilty for leaving that burden with whoever is lucky enough to get that responsibility. But I just can't seem to shake this.

Not today. It's hard.

But fate has a way of making things impossible.

I won't do it when my kids would know or find me... which is exactly where I find myself tonight. They're here with me.

<<insert deep sigh>>

I just don't know anymore. The barrel of that gun calls my name so loudly, that rope entices my neck, that magic potion yells for me to try...

Feeling like a tortured soul caught in the riff raff of humanity. Why? I am alone, always will be. I lie and say I'm ok with it, but I just yearn to have some sort of peace. Whether it's here or checking onto that bus...

Sorry for the vent, needed to let it off my chest. For once, I feel that I can without the fear of someone calling the police on me. And that someone, anyone, could relate. Just one person who can relate. I know this community does. I feel it. There's such a deep sadness, but also a deep bond we all have. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of it. Than you all for being honest and true. And most importantly, transparent.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

I think I have been and always will be lonely. I do like my own company but can't say I have real friends, just work colleagues. There must be something about me or how I act that doesn't attract anyone to want me as a friend. I'm not very sociable and hate social events.
Yes been married twice and have two kids. Both ended up in divorce and been alone 2 years now. I can't see things changing as I think I've decided I've had enough and it's just when and how I ctb. Do I use SN or Jump? That's the choices I have along with when is the "right" time.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

I think I have been and always will be lonely. I do like my own company but can't say I have real friends, just work colleagues. There must be something about me or how I act that doesn't attract anyone to want me as a friend. I'm not very sociable and hate social events.
Yes been married twice and have two kids. Both ended up in divorce and been alone 2 years now. I can't see things changing as I think I've decided I've had enough and it's just when and how I ctb. Do I use SN or Jump? That's the choices I have along with when is the "right" time.

Seems as though we live parallel lives...

The "right" time is always fleeting. One time it's a decade, the other it's right now. At this moment, it's right now. But I've come to know these feelings pass and I want to ensure the end is foolproof... I intend to make this attempt not just an attempt, but a reality.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

Seems as though we live parallel lives...

The "right" time is always fleeting. One time it's a decade, the other it's right now. At this moment, it's right now. But I've come to know these feelings pass and I want to ensure the end is foolproof... I intend to make this attempt not just an attempt, but a reality.

Yes we probably do!

I have bought SN, I have Primperan and Tagamet. My other plan was to jump from a very high cliff top. So not sure now what to do. But it has to be final.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

Yes we probably do!

I have bought SN, I have Primperan and Tagamet. My other plan was to jump from a very high cliff top. So not sure now what to do. But it has to be final.

I have yet to get the guts to buy SN. Are you in the states? Was it hard to get?

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

I have yet to get the guts to buy SN. Are you in the states? Was it hard to get?

I'm in the UK so SN was easy to buy. The Primperan was the hardest to source.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

I'm in the UK so SN was easy to buy. The Primperan was the hardest to source.

Hopefully SN is just as easy here too

 

[ExitTheDay]

I hope you find someone who makes you feel like you are companion, to me having too many friends can be exhausting at times (worried about fake people, spending too much time together, feeling the need to ask if you are invited) all of that to me is just anxiety inducing so I just choose to energize myself by enjoying time away from people

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

I hope you find someone who makes you feel like you are companion, to me having too many friends can be exhausting at times (worried about fake people, spending too much time together, feeling the need to ask if you are invited) all of that to me is just anxiety inducing so I just choose to energize myself by enjoying time away from people

Thank you. For me, I've found the same truths as you have. Trying to make friends only to find they aren't. I just want peace... alone. It's too exhausting to include others.

 

[daikon]

I love your username and tag line. I recently rediscovered that song after loving it as a child, and it really speaks to me.

I relate to your situation a lot, and you remind me a bit of my parents too. I wonder how it is that so many people are lonely — why can't we just all get scooped up and dumped into a commune together? Although maybe that's what Sanctioned Suicide is, haha I hope you can find some friends here, even if they're not forever.

Lately I've been working my ass off trying to build myself a social life to stave off the suicidality, but it's fucking brutal. People are so uncaring. (But if you want to chat about how to connect with people and meet people, I'd be happy to talk with you. I just don't want to give you advice if you're just looking to vent.)

 

[not_a_robot]

I understand longing and lonely, but when I try to get close to people they all turn out to be evil or don't like me anyway, so why bother? I'd rather enjoy being alone.
Most people have a large social network because they have no standards for friendship except social status. Whereas I will cut someone out of my life like a tumor if I suspect they are even capable of mistreating a dog or cat, or a million other moral failures. I'm alone because I have standards, so I don't mind it.
Instead of always feeling bad that you aren't good enough for the world, it's important to remember, the world also is not good enough for you.
Then it's time to ctb.

I love your username and tag line. I recently rediscovered that song after loving it as a child, and it really speaks to me.

I relate to your situation a lot, and you remind me a bit of my parents too. I wonder how it is that so many people are lonely — why can't we just all get scooped up and dumped into a commune together? Although maybe that's what Sanctioned Suicide is, haha I hope you can find some friends here, even if they're not forever.

Lately I've been working my ass off trying to build myself a social life to stave off the suicidality, but it's fucking brutal. People are so uncaring. (But if you want to chat about how to connect with people and meet people, I'd be happy to talk with you. I just don't want to give you advice if you're just looking to vent.)

Why do you think building a social network of uncaring people will make you better?
Better if you love you, screw them.

 

[Vegrau]

I understand longing and lonely, but when I try to get close to people they all turn out to be evil or don't like me anyway, so why bother? I'd rather enjoy being alone.
Most people have a large social network because they have no standards for friendship except social status. Whereas I will cut someone out of my life like a tumor if I suspect they are even capable of mistreating a dog or cat, or a million other moral failures. I'm alone because I have standards, so I don't mind it.
Instead of always feeling bad that you aren't good enough for the world, it's important to remember, the world also is not good enough for you.
Then it's time to ctb.

Why do you think building a social network of uncaring people will make you better?
Better if you love you, screw them.

Succinctly said. Hahahahaha.. yes thats exactly it. Why just settle for whatever this world can offer? Why can we not wanting more? Why must we simply accept thing as they are? Why must we live like that? Following what other said? That we need family, friends, making our own family and whatever other nonsense they have to be happy? We dont. Its better that we try to understand ourselves, things around us and figuring out what we truly want and need.

Trying so hard to fit in. Trying so hard wanting to be love and trying so hard to keep it. In the end what for if no one will ever know who you truly are? They love your mask. They love your lies. They never love you and you dont truly love them either because you all are just wearing masks. Telling lies to each other to preserve that false peace.

Their ever changing nature already proven that they cannot be trusted. Of course not everyone are like that. But I wont waste time searching for them either. Something that may or may not exist. I wont shift through this life for some vague things like that again.

 

[daikon]

Why do you think building a social network of uncaring people will make you better?
Better if you love you, screw them.

Well ideally I'd have a social network of caring people, and I have had that, in the past. I love connecting with people, sharing my interests with them, listening to their stories and jokes, doing things for them. There's nothing like loving another person and being loved back, whatever form that takes. Sometimes even just kind small talk makes me feel better. I get hurt a lot, but them's the breaks. I know it isn't that way for everyone though, especially on this forum. I'm a social animal, and I can't love myself if I'm always alone. I can't even feel happy if I'm alone.