desperately wish i was anorexic, lol

[nembutal]

instead i am cursed with the never ending weight cycles of bulimia. lose a ton of weight to the point where i lose the ability to vomit, gain some weight back, and start losing it again. i've always been disgustingly envious of anorexics, and i hate myself for this as im essentially saying id rather be suffering in a different way than completely rid of a bad relationship with food.

i've tied my weight to my quality of life since i came out of high school, it's difficult not to notice the extra attention i got when i was 18-19 bmi. but now im hovering in the same range and am the loneliest i have ever been. ive never went this long without a "best friend" or a lover.

i've witnessed the failure of my logic, the falseness of the idea that id get more attention if i were thinner, yet i still crave for flat stomach and huge thigh gap. i've never been in the classification of underweight, which makes my sick head believe that dipping under the "healthy" classification would rid me of all my social troubles and i'd finally get attention from the boy i want and everyone will finally want to be my friend.

but apart from hard drugs, food is second on my list of easily obtainable dopamine. i can't shake it as good food is so easily accessible and i need to eat *something* in order to function. at this point in my ED i am eating nothing but chocolate bars and which essentially meet my caloric quota and cause me to maintain for weeks on end. i miss the days where i ate nothing but flavorless salads and could call it a night. i matched the anorexic diagnosis and i could lose a bmi point in a week.

 

[ladylazarus4]

me too. I feel guilty about it because I know how miserable anorexia is. I have UFED but mainly with bulimic traits and it's so horrible, it's the main reason I'm suicidal. I've never been underweight either but I was about 6 pounds away once, but since then I've gained over 15 pounds. I hope things get better for you somehow :(

 

[genoke]

My sister spent two years in rehab for bulimia/ anorexia/ running addiction on no calories just steamed vegetables.

Now her heart is destroyed, she almost died, and one of her Achilles tendons snapped from marathon running so malnourished, daily as a coach, so she can barely walk now. Her head is Massive now and her bones are tiny. I was a former alcoholic and didn't realize eating disorders kill you way faster than addiction or alcoholism and do so much permanent damage.

Also I'm anorexic right now. Nothing to do with body image. Just no energy or appetite.

My head is getting bigger my body is getting smaller. Like my sister. Her head is a balloon.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I've been through basically the entire spectrum of ED presentations after more than a decade of ED fuckery. I can confidently say that every form of ED is hell and they all fucking suck equally.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I've been through basically the entire spectrum of ED presentations after more than a decade of ED fuckery. I can confidently say that every form of ED is hell and they all fucking suck equally.

Echoing this, the whole eating disorder spectrum is absolute fucking hell.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Echoing this, the whole eating disorder spectrum is absolute fucking hell.

Dude, I'm so lucky that I have a fairly minimal amount of permanent health issues (digestive issues that are generally manageable) and my teeth are somehow still perfectly healthy because I mostly purged using a tube. The mental aspect is too impossible for me to work on at this point but I'm over here trying to get a job as an emergency room technician so I have no choice but to make damn sure that I manage my physical ED symptoms properly.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Dude, I'm so lucky that I have a fairly minimal amount of permanent health issues (digestive issues that are generally manageable) and my teeth are somehow still perfectly healthy because I mostly purged using a tube. The mental aspect is too impossible for me to work on at this point but I'm over here trying to get a job as an emergency room technician so I have no choice but to make damn sure that I manage my physical ED symptoms properly.

I can absolutely relate to that. I'm thankful my heart muscle isn't totally fucked even tho I still get scared sometimes, but it's been checked. I mostly just manage my ED the best I can in order to not be hospitalized again, like you kinda said. The mental is way too much for me to even consider, I feel you. That's huge tho, Ladyyy! I think those jobs are so great to go for, it really shows what kind of person you are, and I mean that in the best way.

 

[willitpass]

I'm anorexic and still a solid 20lbs away from being underweight. It's all the hell yet I don't even have a number on the scale to tell me I'm even small enough. I know I'll never be small enough to my ED, but at least if I was underweight I'd have a number to rationally tell me I was. Starting at a high BMI is a bitch. Months and months and I'm still "normal".

Dude, I'm so lucky that I have a fairly minimal amount of permanent health issues (digestive issues that are generally manageable) and my teeth are somehow still perfectly healthy because I mostly purged using a tube. The mental aspect is too impossible for me to work on at this point but I'm over here trying to get a job as an emergency room technician so I have no choice but to make damn sure that I manage my physical ED symptoms properly.

My best advice is a container of the hospital apple juice when you start to feel like your blood sugar is dropping. It saved me many troubles.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I can absolutely relate to that. I'm thankful my heart muscle isn't totally fucked even tho I still get scared sometimes, but it's been checked. I mostly just manage my ED the best I can in order to not be hospitalized again, like you kinda said. The mental is way too much for me to even consider, I feel you. That's huge tho, Ladyyy! I think those jobs are so great to go for, it really shows what kind of person you are, and I mean that in the best way.

My driver's license got suspended because of my recent CTB attempt and it'll take me a while to get it back. I have a valid EMT license but for now I'm limited to jobs either at the teaching hospital within walking distance from school, or other part time jobs on campus. I also applied for a part time job at the climbing gym on campus, as well as a part time job as a CPR/first aid instructor on campus. At the moment I'm not short on money so I also don't mind being unemployed for a little while, tbh. My main focus is still going to be getting through my degree in applied math (considering a dual degree in business and applied math though) and finding a 9-5 job. Honestly I've put so much work into getting from being dangerously underweight to being at the borderline between underweight and normal. If I fuck it up again then I just won't know what to even do after that.

My best advice is a container of the hospital apple juice when you start to feel like your blood sugar is dropping. It saved me many troubles.

My blood sugar still gets low really quickly even though I'm no longer at a dangerously low weight. I suspect it's because my glycogen stores are chronically depleted, due to the type of stuff I usually eat. If I actually get the job at the ER, I'm going to make damn sure I don't fuck up in a way that is preventable by staying hydrated and keeping my blood sugar normal.

 

[willitpass]

My blood sugar still gets low really quickly even though I'm no longer at a dangerously low weight. I suspect it's because my glycogen stores are chronically depleted, due to the type of stuff I usually eat. If I actually get the job at the ER, I'm going to make damn sure I don't fuck up in a way that is preventable by staying hydrated and keeping my blood sugar normal.

Knowing your body and limits is very important. I've recently had to step away with temporary disability that will carry me until my bus in about a month, but before that I was able to maintain my job without feeling like a danger to my patients with very careful personal monitoring. You're burning a lot more calories than you would otherwise working in a hospital, especially in the ER, so as much as it goes against your ED you have to pack your food accordingly. I always got myself to agree with packing more food by rationalizing with my ED that it's okay because I'm burning more off so it's the same amount net calories at the end of the day. I would eat small snacks very frequently. Anytime I had a break I would go into the back and have a small snack, a granola bar, an apple juice, a cheese stick, something like that. If your day isn't too busy I recommend popping in for a quick 3 minute snack break every 2 hours or so to keep your blood sugar as stable as possible. And prepare for your shift the night before. Eat a good dinner and hydrate the night before, you don't want to go in feeling lightheaded and weak before you've even started your shift. And if your ED is really kicking your ass and you can't convince yourself to do these things and you're feeling physically unwell, call off. You getting a mark at work is better than you showing up to work unwell and risking patient harm. I've never called off more in my life than this past year and I've hated myself for it, but my patients are more important than how many call offs I have.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Knowing your body and limits is very important. I've recently had to step away with temporary disability that will carry me until my bus in about a month, but before that I was able to maintain my job without feeling like a danger to my patients with very careful personal monitoring. You're burning a lot more calories than you would otherwise working in a hospital, especially in the ER, so as much as it goes against your ED you have to pack your food accordingly. I always got myself to agree with packing more food by rationalizing with my ED that it's okay because I'm burning more off so it's the same amount net calories at the end of the day. I would eat small snacks very frequently. Anytime I had a break I would go into the back and have a small snack, a granola bar, an apple juice, a cheese stick, something like that. If your day isn't too busy I recommend popping in for a quick 3 minute snack break every 2 hours or so to keep your blood sugar as stable as possible. And prepare for your shift the night before. Eat a good dinner and hydrate the night before, you don't want to go in feeling lightheaded and weak before you've even started your shift. And if your ED is really kicking your ass and you can't convince yourself to do these things and you're feeling physically unwell, call off. You getting a mark at work is better than you showing up to work unwell and risking patient harm. I've never called off more in my life than this past year and I've hated myself for it, but my patients are more important than how many call offs I have.

I'm in school full time and the job at the ER would be a part time thing. Regardless of which job I get hired at (whether it's the ER job or a different job on campus), I plan to stick with that job for at least half a year before I decide whether I want to move on to working in EMS. And I know that in EMS, making sure I'm eating properly and staying hydrated is arguably even more important.

 

[willitpass]

I'm in school full time and the job at the ER would be a part time thing. Regardless of which job I get hired at (whether it's the ER job or a different job on campus), I plan to stick with that job for at least half a year before I decide whether I want to move on to working in EMS. And I know that in EMS, making sure I'm eating properly and staying hydrated is arguably even more important.

It's quite the irony how many people working in healthcare are shit shows themselves. The people working to save everyone are often pretty damn bad at taking care of themselves. It's a funny thing isn't it? None of my coworkers knew any of my mental health issues but I know plenty of them have a lot of their own issues going on. We're putting people back together while tearing ourselves apart.

 

[SNastablesalt]

instead i am cursed with the never ending weight cycles of bulimia. lose a ton of weight to the point where i lose the ability to vomit, gain some weight back, and start losing it again. i've always been disgustingly envious of anorexics, and i hate myself for this as im essentially saying id rather be suffering in a different way than completely rid of a bad relationship with food.

i've tied my weight to my quality of life since i came out of high school, it's difficult not to notice the extra attention i got when i was 18-19 bmi. but now im hovering in the same range and am the loneliest i have ever been. ive never went this long without a "best friend" or a lover.

i've witnessed the failure of my logic, the falseness of the idea that id get more attention if i were thinner, yet i still crave for flat stomach and huge thigh gap. i've never been in the classification of underweight, which makes my sick head believe that dipping under the "healthy" classification would rid me of all my social troubles and i'd finally get attention from the boy i want and everyone will finally want to be my friend.

but apart from hard drugs, food is second on my list of easily obtainable dopamine. i can't shake it as good food is so easily accessible and i need to eat *something* in order to function. at this point in my ED i am eating nothing but chocolate bars and which essentially meet my caloric quota and cause me to maintain for weeks on end. i miss the days where i ate nothing but flavorless salads and could call it a night. i matched the anorexic diagnosis and i could lose a bmi point in a week.

too real. hope you're okay

 

[Lady Laudanum]

It's quite the irony how many people working in healthcare are shit shows themselves. The people working to save everyone are often pretty damn bad at taking care of themselves. It's a funny thing isn't it? None of my coworkers knew any of my mental health issues but I know plenty of them have a lot of their own issues going on. We're putting people back together while tearing ourselves apart.

Haha yes, one of my friends who knows about my issues pointed out that if I work in EMS, I would probably be more fucked up than most of the patients I would be transporting or treating if I work on a BLS rig.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

My driver's license got suspended because of my recent CTB attempt and it'll take me a while to get it back. I have a valid EMT license but for now I'm limited to jobs either at the teaching hospital within walking distance from school, or other part time jobs on campus. I also applied for a part time job at the climbing gym on campus, as well as a part time job as a CPR/first aid instructor on campus. At the moment I'm not short on money so I also don't mind being unemployed for a little while, tbh. My main focus is still going to be getting through my degree in applied math (considering a dual degree in business and applied math though) and finding a 9-5 job. Honestly I've put so much work into getting from being dangerously underweight to being at the borderline between underweight and normal. If I fuck it up again then I just won't know what to even do after that.

My blood sugar still gets low really quickly even though I'm no longer at a dangerously low weight. I suspect it's because my glycogen stores are chronically depleted, due to the type of stuff I usually eat. If I actually get the job at the ER, I'm going to make damn sure I don't fuck up in a way that is preventable by staying hydrated and keeping my blood sugar normal.

This is mad random and my head is really loud right now so I can't respond in the long form way I'd like (gonna convo you if that's ok, you seem cool<3) but the liquid IV packets in my water did a world of good in terms of staying hydrated and also getting things like magnesium which helps with BM's and potassium among others. There's a sugar free one now. Dual degrees is so damn impressive fr. Full support no matter what you decide to do <3 Your body your choice

 

[willitpass]

Haha yes, one of my friends who knows about my issues pointed out that if I work in EMS, I would probably be more fucked up than most of the patients I would be transporting or treating if I work on a BLS rig.

I always felt quite funny (not actually funny, I just can't think of another word for it) taking care of my eating disorder patients. Forcing them to eat and helping them through the breakdowns meanwhile I go into the back and nearly panic over 120cals and go home and down some laxatives. Or making sure my other patients are eating and drinking and sleeping. Encouraging them to get up and out of bed. I'm a bit of a hypocrite then haha.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I always felt quite funny (not actually funny, I just can't think of another word for it) taking care of my eating disorder patients. Forcing them to eat and helping them through the breakdowns meanwhile I go into the back and nearly panic over 120cals and go home and down some laxatives. Or making sure my other patients are eating and drinking and sleeping. Encouraging them to get up and out of bed. I'm a bit of a hypocrite then haha.

If you don't mind me asking, do you work in EMS, nursing, or something similar (x-ray tech, respiratory therapist, etc)? I understand if you can't say exactly, because of privacy.

 

[willitpass]

If you don't mind me asking, do you work in EMS, nursing, or something similar (x-ray tech, respiratory therapist, etc)? I understand if you can't say exactly, because of privacy.

I like to keep things vague for privacy reasons but I work bedside.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I like to keep things vague for privacy reasons but I work bedside.

I hear you bro.

Honestly I feel like I would have an easier time working in the ER or EMS because I can't stand interacting with the same person for a prolonged period of time. I have so much respect for healthcare workers in roles where they actually build patient-provider relationships. That's why I chose EMS over nursing in the first place (and yes I know that ER nurses exist but in nursing school I think most students do clinical rotations with a few different departments).

 

[willitpass]

I hear you bro.

Honestly I feel like I would have an easier time working in the ER or EMS because I can't stand interacting with the same person for a prolonged period of time. I have so much respect for healthcare workers in roles where they actually build patient-provider relationships. That's why I chose EMS over nursing in the first place (and yes I know that ER nurses exist but in nursing school I think most students do clinical rotations with a few different departments).

I've always loved building patient relationships. It's one of my favorite parts of the job. I'm going to miss working. I could never do EMS/ER. I like critical cases but I like them already settled into the hospital with orders already in place. There's a place for everyone. I've got a lot of respect for people that can handle the on the fly thinking and dangerous situations.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I've always loved building patient relationships. It's one of my favorite parts of the job. I'm going to miss working. I could never do EMS/ER. I like critical cases but I like them already settled into the hospital with orders already in place. There's a place for everyone. I've got a lot of respect for people that can handle the on the fly thinking and dangerous situations.

When I was in high school, I ended up doing CPR on someone at my part time job. EMS arrived and took over after about 5 minutes. The person survived. After that, I knew that emergency medicine was probably the right choice for me, because of how calm it made me feel to handle a situation like that, how quickly I know I reacted, and how good it felt afterwards. I got into post-secondary and was going down the pre-med route but dropped out because of mental health. Went through EMT training later but then I was involved in a car accident (purposely caused by my abusive ex during an argument) and I wasn't physically hurt but got too traumatized to even work in EMS. I ended up doing a different job after that, and held down multiple jobs up until a few days ago when I went back to school and moved into dorms. Those jobs paid better than EMS but were just not fulfilling, tbh. I have a good amount of savings now and I'm riding the gravy train with student loans/grants because I have a certified disability from PTSD. So now I just want to spend my spare time doing something productive that actually matters.

 

[willitpass]

When I was in high school, I ended up doing CPR on someone at my part time job. EMS arrived and took over after about 5 minutes. The person survived. After that, I knew that emergency medicine was probably the right choice for me, because of how calm it made me feel to handle a situation like that, how quickly I know I reacted, and how good it felt afterwards. I got into post-secondary and was going down the pre-med route but dropped out because of mental health. Went through EMT training later but then I was involved in a car accident (purposely caused by my abusive ex during an argument) and I wasn't physically hurt but got too traumatized to even work in EMS. I ended up doing a different job after that, and held down multiple jobs up until a few days ago when I went back to school and moved into dorms. Those jobs paid better than EMS but were just not fulfilling, tbh. I have a good amount of savings now and I'm riding the gravy train with student loans/grants because I have a certified disability from PTSD. So now I just want to spend my spare time doing something productive that actually matters.

I've had my fair share of times as a patient in an ambulance, some from CTB attempts, some not. I could never do it myself, but the things they do are pretty incredible. Especially medics. To just have to look at a patient and guess their weight before giving meds is crazy. And to have no history on a patient, just working with what's right in front of you. Insane respect.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I've had my fair share of times as a patient in an ambulance, some from CTB attempts, some not. I could never do it myself, but the things they do are pretty incredible. Especially medics. To just have to look at a patient and guess their weight before giving meds is crazy. And to have no history on a patient, just working with what's right in front of you. Insane respect.

What I've been taught was to generally start with the lower end of a reasonable range I'm estimating and increase the dose as needed, unless the patient is combative and needs to be sedated right away to avoid EMS personnel being in danger. It's easier to increase the dose than to give too much and deal with the potential fuckery that ensues, as long as the patient is not combative. However, I only know BLS stuff and not ALS stuff. I think the underlying concepts are probably similar though, when it comes to dosing on medications. I've also gotten pretty good at estimating how much someone weighs as well, especially if they're not far from my size.

During training I precepted at the busiest station downtown known for the most notoriously fucked up calls. My anxiety levels on average were the lowest they ever were in my life, when I was precepting. It was one of the few periods of time in my life when I actually felt kinda ok, tbh.

 

[willitpass]

What I've been taught was to generally start with the lower end of a reasonable range I'm estimating and increase the dose as needed, unless the patient is combative and needs to be sedated right away to avoid EMS personnel being in danger. It's easier to increase the dose than to give too much and deal with the potential fuckery that ensues, as long as the patient is not combative. However, I only know BLS stuff and not ALS stuff. I think the underlying concepts are probably similar though, when it comes to dosing on medications. I've also gotten pretty good at estimating how much someone weighs as well, especially if they're not far from my size.

During training I precepted at the busiest station downtown known for the most notoriously fucked up calls. My anxiety levels on average were the lowest they ever were in my life, when I was precepting. It was one of the few periods of time in my life when I actually felt kinda ok, tbh.

It sounds like you're really passionate about it. I hope that if life works out right you can get well and have a good career there. That's how I felt when I started on my current job. I've always felt a calling for the field I work in and when I started there I knew it was right for me.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

It sounds like you're really passionate about it. I hope that if life works out right you can get well and have a good career there. That's how I felt when I started on my current job. I've always felt a calling for the field I work in and when I started there I knew it was right for me.

I'm doing a degree in applied math but considering turning it into a dual degree with business and applied math. My main job is going to be an office job for sure. I need the stability of a 9-5 office job in case my physical health gets fucked up from my chronic ED years down the road, because I know that health problems can show up even after I'm at a more reasonable weight. However, I want to spend my spare time doing what I'm passionate about, when I still can. It also happens to be possible to be a part timer in EMS. I can't see myself doing it full time tbh, but I'm not writing that possibility off completely. I'm also not going to completely write off the possibility of eventually continuing education and upgrading my EMT certification to paramedic. But it's most likely that I'll be a corporate slave by day and meat wagon driver by night haha.

 

[willitpass]

I'm doing a degree in applied math but considering turning it into a dual degree with business and applied math. My main job is going to be an office job for sure. I need the stability of a 9-5 office job in case my physical health gets fucked up from my chronic ED years down the road, because I know that health problems can show up even after I'm at a more reasonable weight. However, I want to spend my spare time doing what I'm passionate about, when I still can. It also happens to be possible to be a part timer in EMS. I can't see myself doing it full time tbh, but I'm not writing that possibility off completely. I'm also not going to completely write off the possibility of eventually continuing education and upgrading my EMT certification to paramedic. But it's most likely that I'll be a corporate slave by day and meat wagon driver by night haha.

That's fair haha. I wish I was passionate about something else as unfortunately bedside healthcare is the only career I could ever imagine for myself. I would not survive an office job. And because of what I've done to my body I've essentially shut down my ability to do the one job I've always dreamed of. I'm sure if I took care of myself I could get back strength to carry on at least another decade before everything I've done to myself catches up to me, but my mental health just isn't stable enough to be able to stop abusing myself. If all goes well I'll be out of here soon enough and won't have to carry on watching my dreams die.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

That's fair haha. I wish I was passionate about something else as unfortunately bedside healthcare is the only career I could ever imagine for myself. I would not survive an office job. And because of what I've done to my body I've essentially shut down my ability to do the one job I've always dreamed of. I'm sure if I took care of myself I could get back strength to carry on at least another decade before everything I've done to myself catches up to me, but my mental health just isn't stable enough to be able to stop abusing myself. If all goes well I'll be out of here soon enough and won't have to carry on watching my dreams die.

I have had entry level office jobs before and although I didn't like them, I know that being in the corporate world is still something that I can do. I can also see myself potentially going into dispatch (part time jobs available for that in some places) if my physical health eventually gets too fucked up for a physically demanding job.

It really fucking sucks to see that someone who is genuinely passionate about patient care is calling it quits (both from the career and from this life), tbh. However, I understand that you've been suffering for basically your entire life and at the end of the day it's your call and only your call to make. Prior to this we haven't interacted much but I've read your posts and I was rooting for you all along. I know that finding peace in life is not always possible though, and I both respect and understand your decision regardless of how you proceed.

If heaven exists and if you believe in it, I hope that it's a place where self-hatred doesn't exist, where people can eat whatever they want without ever feeling guilty. I'm agnostic and I don't know if god, heaven, hell, etc. exists but sometimes I think it's not such a bad idea to believe that someone or something is out there.

 

[willitpass]

I have had entry level office jobs before and although I didn't like them, I know that being in the corporate world is still something that I can do. I can also see myself potentially going into dispatch (part time jobs available for that in some places) if my physical health eventually gets too fucked up for a physically demanding job.

It really fucking sucks to see that someone who is genuinely passionate about patient care is calling it quits (both from the career and from this life), tbh. However, I understand that you've been suffering for basically your entire life and at the end of the day it's your call and only your call to make. Prior to this we haven't interacted much but I've read your posts and I was rooting for you all along. I know that finding peace in life is not always possible though, and I both respect and understand your decision regardless of how you proceed.

If heaven exists and if you believe in it, I hope that it's a place where self-hatred doesn't exist, where people can eat whatever they want without ever feeling guilty. I'm agnostic and I don't know if god, heaven, hell, etc. exists but sometimes I think it's not such a bad idea to believe that someone or something is out there.

Calling it quits on my job has been the hardest decision I've ever made. I'm going to have to call it quits on the further degree I'm working on as well and it kills me. Can't be too mad though, can I? I did all of this to myself after all. Funnily enough it was all the time I spent in the hospital for psych stuff growing up that drew me to this career and it's the psych stuff that has never gone away but only worsened that's taking me out of it.

I'm also not religious but sometimes I hope for an afterlife as well. It's a good way to cope with the shit life throws.

I think dispatch would be a wonderful option. A great way to stay close while taking care of yourself.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Calling it quits on my job has been the hardest decision I've ever made. I'm going to have to call it quits on the further degree I'm working on as well and it kills me. Can't be too mad though, can I? I did all of this to myself after all. Funnily enough it was all the time I spent in the hospital for psych stuff growing up that drew me to this career and it's the psych stuff that has never gone away but only worsened that's taking me out of it.

I'm also not religious but sometimes I hope for an afterlife as well. It's a good way to cope with the shit life throws.

I think dispatch would be a wonderful option. A great way to stay close while taking care of yourself.

It's so shitty to see EDs destroy people's lives and steal people's will to live.

Tbh it's really difficult to find someone who struggled with similar issues but managed to figure things out and actually live a fulfilling life. It seems like most people who were in the same situation as me either end up dying young (usually CTB, drug overdose, being murdered, or physical health fully crapping out from ED), becoming just as bad as the people who hurt them or otherwise lashing out at others endlessly, or being functional but mentally very fucked up and using maladaptive coping mechanisms for a lifetime.

I hope that I can end up being proof that people with severe PTSD and multiple other comorbid mental illnesses can actually live life instead of just surviving. However, I'm not making any promises to anyone because I'm afraid I'll over-promise and under-deliver, and because I honestly have very little faith in my own ability to overcome adversity without resorting to harmful coping mechanisms.

 

[willitpass]

It's so shitty to see EDs destroy people's lives and steal people's will to live.

Tbh it's really difficult to find someone who struggled with similar issues but managed to figure things out and actually live a fulfilling life. It seems like most people who were in the same situation as me either end up dying young (usually CTB, drug overdose, being murdered, or physical health fully crapping out from ED), becoming just as bad as the people who hurt them or otherwise lashing out at others endlessly, or being functional but mentally very fucked up and using maladaptive coping mechanisms for a lifetime.

I hope that I can end up being proof that people with severe PTSD and multiple other comorbid mental illnesses can actually live life instead of just surviving. However, I'm not making any promises to anyone because I'm afraid I'll over-promise and under-deliver, and because I honestly have very little faith in my own ability to overcome adversity without resorting to harmful coping mechanisms.

I hope you can come out on top too. You seem to really want to.