Venting despair. want to cut off frirnds

[lamargue]

wanting to cut off friends. told them i would fucking kill myself and they cracked jokes. man i depend so much on other people but they never depend on me. they have interests outside of myself. i want to stop talking to them but idk i might fucking snap regress and fall somewhere down fuck in wd

not being clear at the moment but i feel like ive lost something vital for navigating in the world. i feel despair. i wonder why it has started so recenrly. maybe bceause i simply dont care anymore; nothing came of anything, the things i wanted to learn have all bottomed out and become insipid little phantoms in my mind so that i may crawl slowly toward my fuckingnf death idk im not bein glcear but im really just fucking unahppy. i feel like crying for the first time in a long time. there is nothing intellectual nor satisfying about death. its the feeling that this is it. there is nothing because there was never any hope to begin with, but at least i had resentment. now its just anguish. nothing. nada. gone

they made fun of me for my social inadequacy. i started freaking out and saying i would rope or some shit. that i had made plans to fucking die. yet they laughed. as they always do. alugh.
i tried so hard to reconnect but people pursue their own ends always. im not in the picture

 

[Linda]

Don't cut your friends off.
You could try to find out why they react to you the way they do. I guess the only way to find that out is to ask them.

 

[Lirisu]

make better friends

 

[lamargue]

Don't cut your friends off.
You could try to find out why they react to you the way they do. I guess the only way to find that out is to ask them.

because they think that i have a losing mentality and they dont value losers

make better friends

cant. i have nobody else

 

[indefinitesleep2]

wanting to cut off friends. told them i would fucking kill myself and they cracked jokes. man i depend so much on other people but they never depend on me. they have interests outside of myself. i want to stop talking to them but idk i might fucking snap regress and fall somewhere down fuck in wd

not being clear at the moment but i feel like ive lost something vital for navigating in the world. i feel despair. i wonder why it has started so recenrly. maybe bceause i simply dont care anymore; nothing came of anything, the things i wanted to learn have all bottomed out and become insipid little phantoms in my mind so that i may crawl slowly toward my fuckingnf death idk im not bein glcear but im really just fucking unahppy. i feel like crying for the first time in a long time. there is nothing intellectual nor satisfying about death. its the feeling that this is it. there is nothing because there was never any hope to begin with, but at least i had resentment. now its just anguish. nothing. nada. gone

they made fun of me for my social inadequacy. i started freaking out and saying i would rope or some shit. that i had made plans to fucking die. yet they laughed. as they always do. alugh.
i tried so hard to reconnect but people pursue their own ends always. im not in the picture

those arent true friends real friends will suffer with you or offer support

 

[Linda]

because they think that i have a losing mentality and they dont value losers

cant. i have nobody else

If it's true that they don't value you, than I agree with @Lirisu that you need to find other friends. (But are you sure that it is true?)
The way to find other friends is to get out there and meet people. I don't think there is any other way.

 

[lamargue]

If it's true that they don't value you, than I agree with @Lirisu that you need to find other friends. (But are you sure that it is true?)
The way to find other friends is to get out there and meet people. I don't think there is any other way.

no clue where to find people. never been socialized. dont go to uni nor know any real life functions so i'd just feel like an alien. anyway whats the point. i'll probably ctb by the end of the year anyway so why should i burden people with my death

 

[Linda]

no clue where to find people. never been socialized. dont go to uni nor know any real life functions so i'd just feel like an alien. anyway whats the point. i'll probably ctb by the end of the year anyway so why should i burden people with my death

It's up to you.
But if you want to meet people, get out of the house and go to where other people of your age hang out. Another way to do it is to join some group that is concerned with an interest that you share, or at least that you think might appeal to you. (When I was younger I was involved with several groups that went into the outdoors. These days I belong to a dance group.)
The world won't come to you.

 

[lamargue]

It's up to you.
But if you want to meet people, get out of the house and go to where other people of your age hang out. Another way to do it is to join some group that is concerned with an interest that you share, or at least that you think might appeal to you. (When I was younger I was involved with several groups that went into the outdoors. These days I belong to a dance group.)
The world won't come to you.

i dont share interests with other people. never have in my life

 

[Linda]

i dont share interests with other people. never have in my life

There's a first time for everything.
Either you can get out there and meet some people or you can remain alone forever. The choice is yours.

 

[lamargue]

There's a first time for everything.
Either you can get out there and meet some people or you can remain alone forever. The choice is yours.

guess ill remain alone until ctb. i'm not human. all positive relationships always turn sour. dont want to increase the painful memories anymore

 

[Linda]

guess ill remain alone until ctb. i'm not human. all positive relationships always turn sour. dont want to increase the painful memories anymore

If all your relationships turn sour, there must be a reason for that. If you can figure out the reason, you may be able to do something about it.
If you can't figure it out alone, have you considered geting some kind of therapy?

 

[lamargue]

If all your relationships turn sour, there must be a reason for that. If you can figure out the reason, you may be able to do something about it.
If you can't figure it out alone, have you considered geting some kind of therapy?

they turn sour because it only takes some innocuous comment to ruin everything. people have wants independent from me, which i accept. therapy didn't help in the past. this is new, and has always been around.
from experience it is very hard to trust people. ive been the subject of their cruel whims my entire life

 

[Linda]

Could you try developing a thicker skin? That's easier said than done, I know, but you don't have to let silly commnts from other people bother you so much. You could pay less attention to them.

 

[lamargue]

Could you try developing a thicker skin? That's easier said than done, I know, but you don't have to let silly commnts from other people bother you so much. You could pay less attention to them.

i mean that it only requires me to say something weird for them to completely disassociate with me. people want their friend groups to be reflections of themselves. why spend time with a person whose company is disadvantageous to this aim. thisis what i mean
i was very emotional before, but still the feeling of despair remains. its very new to me, so i am conflicted on how to feel. but i just cannot conceive how people move so freely in conversation. it baffles me. this is why i think, no matter what i choose, suicide amounts to the stronger option. even in desperation i take some sense of comfort knowing that it might not be like this for very long. that's all

 

[Linda]

i mean that it only requires me to say something weird for them to completely disassociate with me. people want their friend groups to be reflections of themselves. why spend time with a person whose company is disadvantageous to this aim. thisis what i mean
i was very emotional before, but still the feeling of despair remains. its very new to me, so i am conflicted on how to feel. but i just cannot conceive how people move so freely in conversation. it baffles me. this is why i think, no matter what i choose, suicide amounts to the stronger option. even in desperation i take some sense of comfort knowing that it might not be like this for very long. that's all

Are you autistic?

 

[lamargue]

Are you autistic?

dont think so. just had a very very bad time in highschool

 

[Linda]

dont think so. just had a very very bad time in highschool

I think you can recover from this, though it might not be easy. But you will have to make the recovery happen. You might b abl to do it alon, or you might find you need some help. (You say that therapy didn't help in the past, but that doesn't man it wouldn't help in th future. A lot depends on finding the right therapist.)
Good luck.
I have to go now, as I have a rehearsal soon. We can continue this discussion tomorrow if you wish.

 

[Hotsackage]

Tell them to grow up, my friends have done that. Don't think they'll do that anymore, gotta stand up for yourself, don't have to be rude or anything