Desire to die even when i feel, or life is, okay

[Sweetsinking]

Even though nothing in my life is necessarily wrong, I just feel a need in me to kill myself. I feel like even if I have a happy future, I'll still want to.

I'm not really sure why. Im not necessarily happy, but im okay. I'm currently top of my college classes, happy with my boyfriend, and have a good small group of friends.. But still, no matter how okay I feel, I constantly have a strong desire to kill myself. Right now I wont, i have a lot of anxiety surrounding it including failure, and I know people around me would care, and I suppose i have reason to live.

 

[resteasy3232]

feel the same fkin way ;(

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

Even though nothing in my life is necessarily wrong, I just feel a need in me to kill myself. I feel like even if I have a happy future, I'll still want to.

I'm not really sure why. Im not necessarily happy, but im okay. I'm currently top of my college classes, happy with my boyfriend, and have a good small group of friends.. But still, no matter how okay I feel, I constantly have a strong desire to kill myself. Right now I wont, i have a lot of anxiety surrounding it including failure, and I know people around me would care, and I suppose i have reason to live.

Yes, kinda feel the same. I could make something of my life, cause I have everything I ever wanted. But I'd rather be dead…

 

[isolatedl111]

Even though nothing in my life is necessarily wrong, I just feel a need in me to kill myself. I feel like even if I have a happy future, I'll still want to.

I'm not really sure why. Im not necessarily happy, but im okay. I'm currently top of my college classes, happy with my boyfriend, and have a good small group of friends.. But still, no matter how okay I feel, I constantly have a strong desire to kill myself. Right now I wont, i have a lot of anxiety surrounding it including failure, and I know people around me would care, and I suppose i have reason to live.

I am a lonely nothing

 

[LostLily]

Same feelings. I re-read my journal from 9 years when I was last really suicidal and my life as gotten better. My home life has improve, I have stable employment, my spending is under control and the few people who have hurt me in the past have apologized to me.

But i still have this dread and anxiety of my life and wherei i am going.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you try to figure out why? Do you think it's a fear of losing the things you have? My life is objectively better than it has been at times also. For me though, I'm just sick and tired of the effort it takes to maintain life. Also that the 'reward' isn't worth the effort. (In my experience.)

Sometimes I wonder if we fall into patterns of thinking like this out of habit. In my case personally, it's lazyness/ fear also- of really challenging myself in life. Real recovery for me would require getting over things like social anxiety. I'd honestly rather die than do that! It occurs to me I'd rather die than do a lot of stuff in life so- I suppose that's why passive ideation is so appealing to me. That's passive ideation mind you. Active ideation just makes me terrified.

 

[the deadly wizard]

Feel very similarly, its not that I want a better life, I want no life at all. I could be given the option to live in the most amazing utopian world, with the most perfect euphoric life, and I would still rather just die.

 

[LostLily]

Do you try to figure out why? Do you think it's a fear of losing the things you have? My life is objectively better than it has been at times also. For me though, I'm just sick and tired of the effort it takes to maintain life. Also that the 'reward' isn't worth the effort. (In my experience.)

Sometimes I wonder if we fall into patterns of thinking like this out of habit. In my case personally, it's lazyness/ fear also- of really challenging myself in life. Real recovery for me would require getting over things like social anxiety. I'd honestly rather die than do that! It occurs to me I'd rather die than do a lot of stuff in life so- I suppose that's why passive ideation is so appealing to me. That's passive ideation mind you. Active ideation just makes me terrified.

Partly fear and anixety of future and the numbness and meaningless of life. I haven't really advance in 4 years and I"m stuck at a job I don't like. I don't feel like I'm contributing to it in any meaningful way and I"m a a burden to my family .