SoulWhisperer
Unfazed By Suicide « MtF »
- Nov 13, 2023
- 566
It's been a while since I last properly posted about my life here, this site contains all my emotions, what I feel, my problems and everything. It's like my online diary. I've forgotten what it felt like reading through posts here, being a chatter is truly different from being a forum poster, eh.
Anyways. I didn't feel like CTBing for like a few months, for no specific reason I could pinpoint. For a while I just didn't feel the desire to die, but now with the same unknown reason the desire is back and even if I managed to surpass the enormous problem of "trying to get therapy" I still wanna die.
Therapy ain't no magic cure, I don't think I'm capable of making use of it, it's just a personal thing.
Every day, in the afternoon, I imagine my death via hanging in an undisclosed place, far far away from my family and everyone. I imagine being able to peacefully (or sort of peacefully) being able to wither away during a strong thunderstorm, as I prepare myself to disappear from this world looking at the crashing rain on the windows outside. That's been a thought that's been "calming" me. I don't know why but it feels just right, peaceful and secluded.
Neither of the houses I live in has an anchor point worth the use of full hanging, I tried and they either clearly wouldn't hold me or they broke while I tested them, it's almost ironic.
The only things I'd care for enough to live are games, living independently and HRT/transition. But no will is enough for me to overcome the trauma I go through da daily.
It should be a respectable choice for me to not fight for life if I don't want to. It's my life after all, no? I should be the one setting limits and boundaries for it as well as goals and achievements. If I feel like enough is enough then it's just enough, living is subjective, happiness is subjective. If I carried through with all and succeeded it shouldn't be a "waste". Just a deliberate choice of mine.
The problems persist, the hatred towards myself and others only grows and I keep finding sides of the world that push me more and more towards not agreeing with it and prefering to leave it. I'd rather leave a world of injustice and pain I don't believe in.
That's all for now I suppose... I'm under enormous amounts of stress and pressure...
Anyways. I didn't feel like CTBing for like a few months, for no specific reason I could pinpoint. For a while I just didn't feel the desire to die, but now with the same unknown reason the desire is back and even if I managed to surpass the enormous problem of "trying to get therapy" I still wanna die.
Therapy ain't no magic cure, I don't think I'm capable of making use of it, it's just a personal thing.
Every day, in the afternoon, I imagine my death via hanging in an undisclosed place, far far away from my family and everyone. I imagine being able to peacefully (or sort of peacefully) being able to wither away during a strong thunderstorm, as I prepare myself to disappear from this world looking at the crashing rain on the windows outside. That's been a thought that's been "calming" me. I don't know why but it feels just right, peaceful and secluded.
Neither of the houses I live in has an anchor point worth the use of full hanging, I tried and they either clearly wouldn't hold me or they broke while I tested them, it's almost ironic.
The only things I'd care for enough to live are games, living independently and HRT/transition. But no will is enough for me to overcome the trauma I go through da daily.
It should be a respectable choice for me to not fight for life if I don't want to. It's my life after all, no? I should be the one setting limits and boundaries for it as well as goals and achievements. If I feel like enough is enough then it's just enough, living is subjective, happiness is subjective. If I carried through with all and succeeded it shouldn't be a "waste". Just a deliberate choice of mine.
The problems persist, the hatred towards myself and others only grows and I keep finding sides of the world that push me more and more towards not agreeing with it and prefering to leave it. I'd rather leave a world of injustice and pain I don't believe in.
That's all for now I suppose... I'm under enormous amounts of stress and pressure...
