Deserving to die

[sobad]

What to do when all the bad things come from your own doing? I had opportunity in life except loving parents who were present only in flesh. I went to jail for years because of my greed. Looking back I did not care if I lived or died. I lived a double life, no one knew about the part of my life I hid until it made the news. I lost most of my acquaintances, friends and many family members shunned me. The loneliness was hard, but I was very strong. I no longer have that kind of strength. I gambled with my life again almost impulsively. Now I am completely ruined, I have lost everything and I am looking at most likely a 12 year sentence which is deserved. This time I have someone who loves me for the first time but I didn't understand what it truly meant until I lost everything. Now I have ruined her life as well. I cant bare the pain. I have caused so much destruction and its my fault.

Nobody has sympathy for someone like me. I don't deserve sympathy but yet that's what makes it even harder to live with. I want to take my life but I don't want to cause grief. I think my girlfriend would be devastated although it would be a relief not having to stick by someone who will be in a cage for years. My mother would also be devastated but most likely also relieved. Thanks to this forum, I have no one to speak with.

 

[Thanatos]

That sounds like a tough decision, I too was held back by grief at one point. If you are still considering life as it was impulsive I'd say take some time to think at least. What do you have to lose if yes? But if no it's worth taking the time. I have reason to believe I'm permanently depressed and thus at some point the pain outways the grief for most

 

[Grief]

No matter how guilty you feel about whatever you've done, no one who cares about you will be relieved when you are gone, especially your mom, even if she wasn't always present in your life. No parent wants to outlive their child and parents that have will tell you that no matter how much time has passed there is no getting over their loss, no closure, no peace. It is beyond devastating. Whatever you say you have ruined, can be mended. People are more forgiving than you think and value you more than you realize.

 

[ladolcemorte]

Each individual's circumstances are different, but there is no way you are the only person who is suffering as a result of your own decisions. I agree it is harder to deal with situations that one has created. If you get laid off in the middle of a recession, you are a casualty of the economy and people tend to have empathy. If you get fired because of something you did (or didn't do), the prevailing sentiment is "you made your bed, now lie in it", and you are left with the agony of wishing you could go back in time and do everything again. But you can't. And that is the source of the despair.

 

[sobad]

Engaging in these activities was the way I filled the emptiness and void I always had in my life. I didn't need to do this again but nothing gave me pleasure in life other than gambling with it. I guess this was a form of suicidal behavior. I wish I had been a better person. It's incredible to me how comforting words from strangers on a forum can be.