Story deranged ramblings (i had an odd dream and can't stop thinking about it)

[socrates.]

i don't even know how to begin to explain this because it's barely real. just a feeling in my head

last night i had a dream that i was so much worse. i was probably going to kill myself within a few days. i tried to reach out for help but nobody was there. i think it's the first time ive ever felt that someone could help me with my suicidal thoughts but nobody was there.

and then i don't really remember what happened but i like. ripped a suicide prevention poster off the wall and hung it up in a secret room that my school certainly does not have and i just looked at it and tried to get the motivational messages to sink in.
and then a friend (kind of? more like an acquaintance ig) walked in and asked if i was okay and now i don't know

it's so odd because i've never opened up to this friend about my mental illnesses before in real life. and now i can't stop thinking about dying and maybe killing myself and i can't stop thinking about my friend. he sounded so sincere in the dream. it makes my stomach ache almost because i know that at this point, if anyone worried about me, they would just report me and then id have to deal with things.

i just want to get worried about and cared for without getting a crazy intervention involving teachers and family members and all that. a small personal intervention might be fine. but yeah

and i seriously can't stop thinking about dying. it's not like ive had a particularly hard week or anything. i haven't been as suicidal lately at all. but now since waking up, whenever i think about it my stomach does little flips like when the elevator slows down.

but it's just a dream so. just my mind making up stuff.!!!

basically what the fuck is happening to me i feel like i want to die but not out of depression really? like my life isn't too bad or anything i don't feel terrible right now. i just want to be seen

 

[timf]

Dreams are an interesting process. I once heard that they are a by product of the brain turning short term memories into long term ones. The visual imagery would simply be a side effect of the brain making a visual story out of the pieces of information that are being processed. I am not sure this theory holds up as dreaming about trying to find a bathroom often means that you have to go to the bathroom.

There have been a number of theories about dream interpretation and I do not think any of them have really held up under close scrutiny. It might simply be a result of having your thoughts narrow down such that suicide looms larger. If we neglect to engage in expansive activities such as socializing, physical exercise (like jogging or tennis), or some hobbies, life can begin to shrink down and amplify negative thoughts.

Life can happen to us or we can make life happen. Being able to take more control of life can push back against a gathering darkness.