Wormfood
I like people... I said it
- May 23, 2022
- 131
In my home town the streets are flooded with people. I was very uncomfortable being seen. Everybody looks presentable. I look like a hobo. To top it all off I'm depressed which means I haven't showered, I'm wearing dirty laundry and I'm feeling miserable. I'm always the one checking up on people, I don't see anyone checking up on me. I have no doubt that if I was to tell my family how I'm feeling they'd tell me to be strong or something like that. I keep on hearing that I should reach out. The truth is they don't want to deal with you in that state. Not even the people on the hotline wants to deal with you. They'd be happy if no calls were coming in. You can hear it in the tone when they talk to you. It's a chore for them. The people at the hospitals are desensitized. There is no empathy just force. I'm here. I could use a hug. I could use someone to talk to. I'm here feeling ashamed of myself. I don't feel good enough. I see 23 year olds finishing university majoring in computer science, they got guns and gun permits. I have nothing and I'm approaching my 30's. I'm miserable constantly and I'm always complaining about life. I'm a downer. My best friend is watching my suicide take place like watching a car wreck about to happen. There isn't much he can do. He said to leave him a note. Sure. The rest of the people in my life are in denial. My suicide is the furthest thing from their minds. Regardless how I tell them. If it was so simple to hand deliver the note to someone then drown myself but that introduces the possibility of being 'saved'. I'm sure I'll find a way around that. I feel like such an inconvenience. They say think of my family. Why? Why should I care? They're quite content while I'm miserable. Then I'm expected to put on a show of being okay when life doesn't feel worth it. I'm sick of getting up each day, sick of struggling, sick of difficult people. I'm sure if I don't die all this misery will convert into aggression and the next person who messed with me will get all of my rage. I won't care about the consequences of my actions cause I don't care about the future or what happens to me. I just want my family to let me go. I don't want to be here anymore.
