Venting depression relapse after x years of recovery

[sacrificial lamb]

I've been clean from substance abuse of any sort for quite a few years after having substance-induced psychosis and damaging my dumb monkey brain, and was able to enter a rather stable mindset. with being clean and surrounded by caring people came recovery from my long-lasting depression. then, a few months earlier from me writing this post, it all came back - the inability to get up from the bed, the overwhelming self-loathing, irritability, the urge to sh and ctb, and cutting off any social contacts, including my own family. being neurodivergent, I was quick to blame my ADHD for the lack of motivation and inability to concentrate. it seemed easier that way.
depression and thoughts of ctb, as fucked up as it sounds, are in some way cozy and comforting. they feel like lying on the bottom of the sea, where you don't really see or hear any of the fuss of the surface. I don't need to fix anything. I am the problem, and I can't be fixed - I'll just keep coming back to old thoughts and old habits, to a familiar place isolated and deprived. I'm in the happiest relationship one could ever have, studying something I'm absolutely in love with, but there are certain things that really can't be repaired or changed. like my worthlessness and a couple of ISO containers of trauma, for instance, lol.
this is my first post on the forum, and this account was originally created purely for the purpose of creative research, but I feel like I can't burden any of the people I know with venting. even if I can, there is no point. I think I will go to therapy as soon as I can as it is free in my country. I can't allow myself to let suicidal thoughts take over me, to hurt my partner and rob him of the support he clearly needs so much right now. no matter how sick I feel, I'll try my best to stay here, just like I did before.
to anyone who managed to read this vent, thank you so much, especially for putting up with how incoherent it came out. I wish you all people peace of mind, no matter whether you find it here or elsewhere.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

Hey you found the right place for support. Welcome.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

For me when I went sober last year my depression reared its ugly head; basically, I realised why I drank. Now I'm basically self-medicating.

 

[signifying nothing]

depression and thoughts of ctb, as fucked up as it sounds, are in some way cozy and comforting. they feel like lying on the bottom of the sea, where you don't really see or hear any of the fuss of the surface.

You are more than coherent in what you say, I can very much identify with the way you describe things. And this sense of safety, calm and distance from things might be exactly why the depression is back, as a way of coping with things you're going through.

I wonder whether you can pinpoint what event(s) might have triggered your relapse? Something specific or maybe it had been building for a while and you just reached a tipping point?

 

[Ender]

they feel like lying on the bottom of the sea, where you don't really see or hear any of the fuss of the surface. I

I love that. Just thinking about that makes me feel comforted. And I fully understand where you are coming from. May peace be with you. We are here for you :)