Venting depression & anxiety interfering with work

[pinkroses444]

I just wanted to vent about how much I feel i've lost it and how whenever I get severely depressed it's always accompanied by intense anxiety that interferes with my ability to keep a job, im so in my head that i can't be present and function like a normal person, i feel insane. I can never escape myself or my head. Today I had 4 anxiety attacks, 2 which were in public and I had to run to the bathroom and hold back tears and try to get my shit together but I feel fucking insane. I feel embarrassed and ashamed but at the same time I can't do the things I used to while I battle my head. I really want to kill myself. But it breaks my heart to think of my mom, and how it would break her. It just makes me so sad. But i'm sad all the time, not just sad, suffering, and I simultaneously do believe everyone would be betger off without me, that no one can ever really love me, when they really get to know me, That I'm too much for everyone. And i am, even for my mother, I know this. I know one day soon I will work up the courage to end my life and find relief from the suffering that comes with living in my head. Or at least I hope so because who knows what death really means for us.

I just wanted to vent about how much I feel i've lost it and how whenever I get severely depressed it's always accompanied by intense anxiety that interferes with my ability to keep a job, im so in my head that i can't be present and function like a normal person, i feel insane. I can never escape myself or my head. Today I had 4 anxiety attacks, 2 which were in public and I had to run to the bathroom and hold back tears and try to get my shit together but I feel fucking insane. I feel embarrassed and ashamed but at the same time I can't do the things I used to while I battle my head. I really want to kill myself. But it breaks my heart to think of my mom, and how it would break her. It just makes me so sad. But i'm sad all the time, not just sad, suffering, and I simultaneously do believe everyone would be betger off without me, that no one can ever really love me, when they really get to know me, That I'm too much for everyone. And i am, even for my mother, I know this. I know one day soon I will work up the courage to end my life and find relief from the suffering that comes with living in my head. Or at least I hope so because who knows what death really means for us.

I'm 19, and I have thought so much about how I have life ahead of me, I am actually supposed to start school in a few months. But How can I go to school when my mind works this way. I'm so unstable, erratic, impulsive and unpredictable. I could seem mentally stable for a few weeks and one day I snap and i'm gone for months. I think about life and realize I will always be chasing these fleeting happy moments and mental stability and constantly struggling to keep myself together, my thoughts and emotions, basically an endless struggle to muster up stability, hanging by a thread but shatter so easily. The problem is not circumstance but my mind and i will never be able to escape that as long as i'm here

 

[Deadweight]

I have no advice for you, but I've run away from a lot of opportunities because of anxiety. I'm 36 and I'm still battling it, it still interferes with my job, which is an unskilled labour job with an understanding employer because that's all I can manage fully medicated and supported.

Do you have access to any supports? Is the anxiety something you can talk to your mother about, ask her to help find and access treatment options for your anxiety? I don't know what you've already tried or what you have access to, but your anxiety isn't some unfixable flaw in you. It's a problem and 19 is too young to give up on solving it.

I did nothing about it and it ruined my life, just trying to make the most of what I have left now for the my son that got a shitty deal because his mother fell in love with a loser when she was young.

Anyway, hope you get on top of it and have a better fate than me

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can certainly be very tiring because as long as we exist there is no real escape from ourselves and our thoughts. It must be exhausting being trapped in that situation. I wish you freedom for when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[SamTam33]

I let my issues interfere with work to the point that I quit a near 6-figure job with no luck in finding a new one.

My advice is to do whatever you have to in order to hold it together and maintain employment.

Look forward to getting off and escaping into your own world. Let that get you through the day.

Because when you're unemployed it makes the issues 100 times worse. You have nothing to distract you. You no longer belong to anything. You're no longer a part of a team. It's just you and your thoughts. And it's pure hell.

 

[Idontmatter]

This is what I'm worried about. My anxiety and depression interfering with work. It is slowly starting to.

 

[ArchmagePrincess]

This hits close to home. Many people don't care how hard it is to just keep a calm head while holding a job. You're hanging on by a thread but you gotta go hide in the bathroom until you stop crying so you can pretend everything's okay. It's painful to hang on by a thread at work. I only wish you luck in dealing with this situation and finding peace one way or another.

 

[hellispink]

It is funny how people expect people to be robots and just work like slaves. According to them if one doesn't make money or can't do it because of panic attacks and depression, one is in the wrong. This society is shit but worse is to be ill from this world when they don't give a shit about it.