Judah
Enlightened
- Oct 1, 2020
- 1,540
You wake up, and you can't even move, because you weigh more than what the scale says, the sun hasn't risen and you already want the day to end just to go back to sleep and feel non-existent, it's the only way to forget everything and that the hours pass soon because you hope that time heals everything or that is what they say and you discover that it is the opposite. You don't understand why live if you don't want to, life should be a decision but everyone tells you to be thankful for waking up and the truth is that you would be more grateful if you never had to do it. Your body does not respond to you, you feel tired even in bed, your voice is stagnant, maybe you speak but you feel that you no longer belong to yourself, you have stopped giving orders and someone else takes control of you and disconnects that link between your mind and body, and you don't even understand how you are going to be able to explain this because how are they going to understand it? If not even you can do it. Before leaving, you take a mask that will help you survive that hell where there is never sun and it is always winter.
You pretend that everything is fine because it is useless to express it. Nobody cares! And if they ask you how are you? It's routine, they really don't want to know and it's better to keep quiet than to be called crazy and the worst thing is that you're afraid to believe it so you trace that grimace on your face that everyone calls a smile, the dictionary tells you that "smiling" is the result of joy and in your case it is the result of not wanting to appear mentally ill in front of people. Some believe that being depressed is spending the day crying, but when you really feel it, crying stays in the background because you don't even find sense to cry, you're just empty, you're a disguise with no one inside, they look at you and think you're there, but you are never there, you feel absent from yourself, you cannot even find yourself and bring yourself back and you come to think if you were ever someone, you take out the old photos and it is impossible to remember what was there before this because now you are dead even though you are still living, the things that used to make you happy are now insignificant because you don't mean anything either. «you are like this you want» You already lost count of how many have told you, that's why you distance yourself from everyone to avoid idiotic comments where they think you get hurt by your own decision when there are two living in one body, you just want to run to that thing that controls you because you're sick of yourself, of that, of everything! and in self-defense you end up hurting yourself with whatever is in front of you and you think that it will go away, sometimes it works and you think you have won, but it comes back only for you to realize that you are stupid and that you never won you just mutilated yourself, you look at yourself mirror and there is only disaster, garbage, scum, you want to scream, ask for help, but for what? If you don't even love yourself. A vicious circle is made where you hurt yourself, you realize it, you regret it but then you think you deserve it.
Every day fighting becomes a suicide attack, a slow-motion movie where you don't have the courage to end your life but you don't have the courage to live it either. "You're like this because you want to" And if maybe you're to blame for opening the door, for believing that you were in control of everything, that they were just bad days and it would soon pass but No! you never had control of anything, now you're the mouse in the labyrinth where you can't find the exit because you're not even good for that, and you corner yourself in a corner to pray that everything ends and try to remember what led you to this but you can't even do that Well, you don't know what worries you! You have everything! SO WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU MISSING? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? «Live» You go to the doctor and he tells you to point out where it hurts. How do you explain that your soul hurts? He gives you a bottle of pills that will help you feel better and only keep you sedated where far from helping you make everything worse, and you look at the calendar, 3 months have passed and the only thing you remember is that you have been here in these four walls. WHY DOESN'T IT WORK FOR YOU? IS THE DOSAGE WRONG? And then you take another and another and... another. Now what could be worse?
You pretend that everything is fine because it is useless to express it. Nobody cares! And if they ask you how are you? It's routine, they really don't want to know and it's better to keep quiet than to be called crazy and the worst thing is that you're afraid to believe it so you trace that grimace on your face that everyone calls a smile, the dictionary tells you that "smiling" is the result of joy and in your case it is the result of not wanting to appear mentally ill in front of people. Some believe that being depressed is spending the day crying, but when you really feel it, crying stays in the background because you don't even find sense to cry, you're just empty, you're a disguise with no one inside, they look at you and think you're there, but you are never there, you feel absent from yourself, you cannot even find yourself and bring yourself back and you come to think if you were ever someone, you take out the old photos and it is impossible to remember what was there before this because now you are dead even though you are still living, the things that used to make you happy are now insignificant because you don't mean anything either. «you are like this you want» You already lost count of how many have told you, that's why you distance yourself from everyone to avoid idiotic comments where they think you get hurt by your own decision when there are two living in one body, you just want to run to that thing that controls you because you're sick of yourself, of that, of everything! and in self-defense you end up hurting yourself with whatever is in front of you and you think that it will go away, sometimes it works and you think you have won, but it comes back only for you to realize that you are stupid and that you never won you just mutilated yourself, you look at yourself mirror and there is only disaster, garbage, scum, you want to scream, ask for help, but for what? If you don't even love yourself. A vicious circle is made where you hurt yourself, you realize it, you regret it but then you think you deserve it.
Every day fighting becomes a suicide attack, a slow-motion movie where you don't have the courage to end your life but you don't have the courage to live it either. "You're like this because you want to" And if maybe you're to blame for opening the door, for believing that you were in control of everything, that they were just bad days and it would soon pass but No! you never had control of anything, now you're the mouse in the labyrinth where you can't find the exit because you're not even good for that, and you corner yourself in a corner to pray that everything ends and try to remember what led you to this but you can't even do that Well, you don't know what worries you! You have everything! SO WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU MISSING? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? «Live» You go to the doctor and he tells you to point out where it hurts. How do you explain that your soul hurts? He gives you a bottle of pills that will help you feel better and only keep you sedated where far from helping you make everything worse, and you look at the calendar, 3 months have passed and the only thing you remember is that you have been here in these four walls. WHY DOESN'T IT WORK FOR YOU? IS THE DOSAGE WRONG? And then you take another and another and... another. Now what could be worse?
