Venting depressed n it's sunny. high rant

[sigh333]

i used to fucking love the sun, like charge up in it. i've had summers where i've been depressed, sure, but usually by now the mania hits & im jus havin a good time w friends feelin on top of the world. but nah, not this year.

told myself i'd be dead in jan, then feb, u know how it goes. but i was jus hoping, i think, that the mania would come like it has for years, but it just won't. i am dreading the sun now. it's fucking june and i wish it were just cold & gray. u know?

some things from mania are present i guess, like i've r*lapsed and am using pills again. & i've been having a lot more kinda reckless sex lately. but it's all so fucking numbing and so fucking boring.

why does it seem like literally everyone else in my life is doing better. i know it's a facade & i can't claim to know someone else's true inner world, but like, even if they have shitty things going on, it's still not so BLEAK.

i'm still isolating, avoiding friends and haven't even gone back to live where i was having the time of my life this time last year. this shit fucking sucks & i just hope i get the courage to just let this all go, & finally end it.

 

[Source Energy]

I love the sun when I'm ok, too. But otherwise, it just reminds me of what I lost. Do you know when the sunrays falling a certain way, remind you of watching them in a particular moment or place and it looked the same? And the nostalgia kills you? It is like that for me. I covered all my windows and stay inside. The pain is raw as it is but in the sun, I would be howling

 

[FuneralCry]

I've always found summer to be the worst time of year personally, a world as horrible as this should stay permanently cold in my opinion. But it's true that existing really is so hopeless and dreadful, it's certainly understandable wishing to be free from everything.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

How do you know that other people are doing better than you ?? Maybe it's a facade as well just like most things are on social media. Personally I don't really have no time for friends and friends are one of the main reason why I want to ctb… Reckless sex that's your body and your choices and you should continue to do you … I know of someone who is married but will be telling me how he wants to have sex with "hoes" and also inviting other women whilst his wife is at work so I guess that's how society is nowadays loads of reckless sex but you have to do what's best for you and not anyone else .. However, having said that I wish you all the best with whatever decision you decide to make in the future.

It is summer and I love summer but I will still choose ctb over anything else….

 

[Valky]

Summer does make me feel better overall but also makes the bad days worse.

The sun reminds me that I am supposed to be happy but sometimes I am just not and I know that I should be.
Watching everyone having a good time while all you want is this pain to end. It's like we are living on different planets and will never understand each other.

It reminds me that I should be out and about. Going outside, enjoying the nice weather and doing things with family and friends…but I just wanna hide in my bed and not ruin everyone's day and also make myself feel worse seeing their happy mood meanwhile I fail to feel the same.

Summer can be beautiful and at the same time it can make you feel more hopeless than you ever seemed to have.