Depersonalization despair. Need SN

[mysticeti2020]

I have been into psychosis + depersonalization and derealization for 10 months. I have huge memory gaps, at one point I was unable to understand human language. Since this thing happened I don't have usual internal monologue or monkey mind as some call it. Without it is very hard to have a life because you never know know how you feel about things or what is your perspective on any matter, feeling like a ghost, I have no identy or personality it's really beyond any logic or comprehension. For a few months I have been looking for SN but as it seems it's impossible to get it. Have someone struggled with psychosis, depersonalization ? How do you do it?

 

[OrdinaryDay]

It could be caused by substance abuse or something of that nature

 

[mysticeti2020]

It could be caused by substance abuse or something of that nature

Not my cause, I was just clinical y depressed for years :(

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I have lived with dissociation for 6.5 years now. It's a living nightmare. I'm dizzy, spaced out, major problems with memory and concentration, can barely follow a movie anymore. Just major mental cloudiness and impairment. Everything feels like a dream. I understand you totally friend.

 

[mysticeti2020]

I have lived with dissociation for 6.5 years now. It's a living nightmare. I'm dizzy, spaced out, major problems with memory and concentration, can barely follow a movie anymore. Just major mental cloudiness and impairment. Everything feels like a dream. I understand you totally friend.

6.5 years :o you are such a warrior. It's not a life to live for me at least and I want to be out as soon as possible.
Hug and stay brave 6.5 it's a long time.

 

[neitherherenorthere]

Same here. I've had it to some extent for a long time, but it's been really bad the past 3-4 years. My memory is terrible and dreams feel more real than real life, to the point where sometimes I have to ask people whether or not something happened or if I just dreamt it. I have trouble with words and speaking, but I can't imagine not being able to understand language though, that sounds horrible.

Not sure if you're on reddit at all, but there's a subreddit where you might find some support as well-- r/dpdr

I can't really offer much advice except avoid reading anything philosophical, especially existentialist stuff, or consuming any media that goes into that at all. Some people say grounding exercises work. Just sitting and focusing on my breath for 10+ minutes helps a bit, or at least calms me down. Are you getting any treatment for your psychosis? It might help lessen the dissociation.

 

[mysticeti2020]

Same here. I've had it to some extent for a long time, but it's been really bad the past 3-4 years. My memory is terrible and dreams feel more real than real life, to the point where sometimes I have to ask people whether or not something happened or if I just dreamt it. I have trouble with words and speaking, but I can't imagine not being able to understand language though, that sounds horrible.

Not sure if you're on reddit at all, but there's a subreddit where you might find some support as well-- r/dpdr

I can't really offer much advice except avoid reading anything philosophical, especially existentialist stuff, or consuming any media that goes into that at all. Some people say grounding exercises work. Just sitting and focusing on my breath for 10+ minutes helps a bit, or at least calms me down. Are you getting any treatment for your psychosis? It might help lessen the dissociation.

Thank you very much for your reply. I've been taking meds for a few months but I really don't remember those months, probably I was semi- concious. Then I quit meds and then I have gone through cold turkey. Everyday feels like new life, my MRI didn't showed anything. I feel like a shell. Nobody can explain dpdr and there is no cure. I totally get the idea "dreams feel more real than real life"- I feel asleep when I am awake . How about body awareness, do you struggle with something like that?

 

[NegativeSymptoms]

I also have problems with consciousness like trouble understanding language and had 3 episodes of psychosis. Living is hell!

 

[mysticeti2020]

I also have problems with consciousness like trouble understanding language and had 3 episodes of psychosis. Living is hell!

I am so sorry, wish I was the only person who have gone through this but no, many people have to suffer for some reason. Take care!

 

[MindFog]

Judging how much i cant relate to these posts, i might have experienced dissociation as well. I wanted to add the times, my mind just blacks out and it would take a few years for me to remember an incident. Although those incidents are usually traumatic in nature, so it might be different.

 

[mysticeti2020]

Judging how much i cant relate to these posts, i might have experienced dissociation as well. I wanted to add the times, my mind just blacks out and it would take a few years for me to remember an incident. Although those incidents are usually traumatic in nature, so it might be different.

I am so sorry that you have gone through suffering. Wish there was a cure for everyone.

 

[http-410]

Yes, I can relate to this.

I've been living in constant derealization for more than 10 years and am currently experiencing an extreme phase of dp/dr, probably due to insomnia among other things. I feel detached all the time, there are memory/time gaps, a lot of spacing out, not recognizing myself in the mirror etc.

Don't panic because others experience this condition for so long, it's entirely possible that this is temporarily, even after a long time. People on the subreddit post their recovery stories for example, but I noticed that reading about dp/dr too much is contra-productive, so I don't visit this sub anymore. There are times when it's tolerable to some extent for me, other times it's unbearable.

A first step could be to identify what could worsen or improve the dp/dr, grounding techniques, enough sleep and speaking to a doctor especially in regards to your psychosis if you haven't given up yet.

As @toadliy wrote, I'd stay away from philosophical stuff, and things like conspiracy theories or doing things for too long (sitting, watching youtube or something).

 

[mysticeti2020]

Yes, I can relate to this.

I've been living in constant derealization for more than 10 years and am currently experiencing an extreme phase of dp/dr, probably due to insomnia among other things. I feel detached all the time, there are memory/time gaps, a lot of spacing out, not recognizing myself in the mirror etc.

Don't panic because others experience this condition for so long, it's entirely possible that this is temporarily, even after a long time. People on the subreddit post their recovery stories for example, but I noticed that reading about dp/dr too much is contra-productive, so I don't visit this sub anymore. There are times when it's tolerable to some extent for me, other times it's unbearable.

A first step could be to identify what could worsen or improve the dp/dr, grounding techniques, enough sleep and speaking to a doctor especially in regards to your psychosis if you haven't given up yet.

As @toadliy wrote, I'd stay away from philosophical stuff, and things like conspiracy theories or doing things for too long (sitting, watching youtube or something).

Thank you for all great advices. I am really struggling. But I don't know how people are capable of coping with this for so long I tried a lot of things but nothing is making me feel like "myself" if you know what I mean. All the best and good luck in everything!

 

[http-410]

Yes, I know what you mean. I wouldn't say I'm capable to cope with this, it's the opposite, but there are definitely people who recovered or can deal with this. Also, there are studies that suggest TMS or drugs like naltrexone could help against dissociative symptoms, but I think it's important to find the main cause.

 

[neitherherenorthere]

If I'm understanding what you mean by body awareness right--things like feeling your body isn't your own, like you're not in your body, like you're not consciously in control of your body and you're just watching as someone else does things--then yes, I do. I'm with http-410 (sorry not sure how to @ users) re: thinking about it too much isn't helpful. Obviously it's important to learn about dissociation and talk about your feelings and experiences with other people, but there's a balance. E.g., if I read/write/talk about it too much it actually makes me feel more dissociated because all my thoughts end up being focused on it, so I feel it more intensely.

I'm not a doctor, but dpdr can be a symptom of other mental illnesses, so treating the illness can improve the dissociation. I think if you can get the psychosis treated effectively it'll improve the dpdr, or at least make it easier to deal with, and psychosis isn't something you want to have anyway.

 

[NotOkay_]

I have been into psychosis + depersonalization and derealization for 10 months. I have huge memory gaps, at one point I was unable to understand human language. Since this thing happened I don't have usual internal monologue or monkey mind as some call it. Without it is very hard to have a life because you never know know how you feel about things or what is your perspective on any matter, feeling like a ghost, I have no identy or personality it's really beyond any logic or comprehension. For a few months I have been looking for SN but as it seems it's impossible to get it. Have someone struggled with psychosis, depersonalization ? How do you do it?

I have it's a fucking nightmare. Mines got increasingly worse by the day with a burning sensation all over my body

 

[mysticeti2020]

I have it's a fucking nightmare. Mines got increasingly worse by the day with a burning sensation all over my body

I am so sorry to hear that. How long have you been struggling?

 

[NotOkay_]

I am so sorry to hear that. How long have you been struggling?

7 months but the last 3 have been unbearable *hugs back

 

[mysticeti2020]

7 months but the last 3 have been unbearable *hugs back ❤

Are you here because of that? (Answer only if it doesn't bother you)

 

[NotOkay_]

Yeah that mostly. And I'm just too fucking tired to carry on. Getting kicked out of uni because I'm so weak I don't attend and everything is going downhill
Feel like I'm running out of time, it's becoming less and less of a choice

 

[mysticeti2020]

Yeah that mostly. And I'm just too fucking tired to carry on. Getting kicked out of uni because I'm so weak I don't attend and everything is going downhill
Feel like I'm running out of time, it's becoming less and less of a choice

Same here, my life spireled down since dpdr. I am sorry to hear that you are going to similar hell to mine. This is not a life to live -at least for me.

 

[fatmanatee]

yea, four and half years have pretty much disappeared into a void. It's mostly psychosis for me: fighting shadow monsters and people in my apartment, thinking people are after me and trying to kill me. I've been alone most of that time...even without the pandemic which for me has been solitary confinement since February.

I did get a job and haven't suffered any major psychosis periods lately, but it's just the end regardless. I have the SN and was about to take it on Sunday but i wanted to get rid of stuff in my apartment to make it easier to clean out, prepare my items for my cats, and my work equipment so it could all be easily sent back

 

[mysticeti2020]

yea, four and half years have pretty much disappeared into a void. It's mostly psychosis for me: fighting shadow monsters and people in my apartment, thinking people are after me and trying to kill me. I've been alone most of that time...even without the pandemic which for me has been solitary confinement since February.

I did get a job and haven't suffered any major psychosis periods lately, but it's just the end regardless. I have the SN and was about to take it on Sunday but i wanted to get rid of stuff in my apartment to make it easier to clean out, prepare my items for my cats, and my work equipment so it could all be easily sent back

Your story is so sad I hate the void. I hope you will find peace no matter what decision you will make. The only thing that is holding me back is absence of SN. But soon I will join you. Hug