Venting Defeating the self preservation instinct

[Ella Disenchanted]

My life has been so painful for so long and I'm past the point of no return. The problem is I seem to have a really strong self preservation instinct.

I've tried partial suspension hanging but I ended up aborting when I felt on the point of passing out. I know people will say it means I'm not ready but life is so horrendous that I have to manage to overcome the instinct to save myself somehow. I'm tired of hurting. Choosing to live means choosing a life of pain. This really sucks and I just want to be free.

 

[bigj75]

you tried alcohol?

 

[Miss clefable]

you tried alcohol?

Yeah alcohol will help

 

[bigj75]

don't drink too much. Just enough that you're intoxicated. Ive made the mistake of getting so drunk I grabbed my gun and ran outside terrified and passed out behind the Walmart dumpster in mid daylight for hours. I can't believe nobody called the cops or found me. I was barfing up blood too. Don't drink cheap alcohol either.

 

[Dreamcollege]

I'm in the exact same boat. I am a very risk averse person who has never even broken a bone, which is why this has been so hard for me. Life right now is just so unbearable that I've gotten into a habit of bingeing on Netflix or finding video games to play to numb out to how terrible my life is right now. But when I stop all the memories flood back in and I can't keep from screaming out silently. I've gotten to the point where I can't fall asleep anymore - I have to stay awake for over 18-20 hours until I literally pass out unconsciously.

I've tried simple suspension hanging so many times, but when I start to get dizzy I panic and get back on my knees. Sometimes I get really disoriented and have this intense panic like I've never experienced before. I really need help getting over the panic instinct. I've tried inhaling helium, but even then when I start to feel lightheaded I panic. I don't even have my head in the noose when I'm doing a practice run with helium and I panic when I feel the slightest bit lightheaded.

I have to find a method that is a no-turning-back method and isn't terrifying to do. For example jumping off a bridge is a no-turning-back method but I am terrified to jump. The only other thing I can think of that is quick enough to bypass my panic stage would be cyanide, but there is no way I can get a hold of that. I've thought about buying a lot of apples and crushing up the seeds since they contain cyanide, but apparently you have to eat hundreds of seeds all at once and that just isn't physically possible.

I would do anything if somebody could recommend a no-turning-back method that isn't terrifying. Please, I'll do anything

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

I haven't drunk alcohol in over a decade. I always used to drink myself to sleep to block out everything. I worry that if I were to get drunk I'd only end up drunk calling someone to confess what I was doing and end up in a difficult position.

I've tried the bridge thing before. I came close but got spotted before I managed to climb the railing. I figure I can take my time at home since I can't be seen.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I see it as my last barrier. The last thing I want. My whole life, I wanted all this other stuff and got it. Now I just want to die. But like everything else, it just takes time to work up to it I guess. Seems like a stupid waste of time, but that's how everything else was too.

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

I never got any of the things I wanted in life but none of them matter now.

I try, I fail, I try again. I'm a coward but even cowards deserve to be free.

 

[Deleted_9cKnXB34QG]

I mean, there's always full suspension. I'm pretty sure the chances of backing out after you kick the chair are are pretty damn low.
But actually going trough with it is another thing.

 

[bigj75]

I haven't drunk alcohol in over a decade. I always used to drink myself to sleep to block out everything. I worry that if I were to get drunk I'd only end up drunk calling someone to confess what I was doing and end up in a difficult position.

I've tried the bridge thing before. I came close but got spotted before I managed to climb the railing. I figure I can take my time at home since I can't be seen.

I've done that before. Confessed because I got so drunk and literally had the gun in my hand. They called right when I was about to do it.

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

That really sucks. I had people come up to me on the bridge I went to just as I was about to climb the railing. It took so much to find the right spot and feel ready to go, then people get in the way. Makes me want to scream.. my whole life I wanted help and that's the moment they choose to notice me?

 

[Suicideisnirvana]

I personally just remember that i never suffered while sleeping, problems just start when i waking up.

This said i know i can never win over survival mechanisms related to somethings like Jumping, but something like Nembutal ? I know i'd do that, because i don't have any realistic expectation, i know that i may tremble, feel my hands shaking, feel a false sense of hesitation, fear etc, but the think is that i know i can drink a liquid even in those circumstances knowing that it's a temporary difficult 10 seconds, it's a price i accept to pay for peace ...

 

[throwaway123]

My life has been so painful for so long and I'm past the point of no return. The problem is I seem to have a really strong self preservation instinct.

I've tried partial suspension hanging but I ended up aborting when I felt on the point of passing out. I know people will say it means I'm not ready but life is so horrendous that I have to manage to overcome the instinct to save myself somehow. I'm tired of hurting. Choosing to live means choosing a life of pain. This really sucks and I just want to be free.

I personally just remember that i never suffered while sleeping, problems just start when i waking up.

This said i know i can never win over survival mechanisms related to somethings like Jumping, but something like Nembutal ? I know i'd do that, because i don't have any realistic expectation, i know that i may trumble, feel my hands shaking, feel a false sense of hesitation, fear etc, but the think is that i know i can drink a liquid even in those circumstances knowing that it's a temporary difficult 10 seconds, it's a price i accept to pay for peace ...

Same here. :(

 

[Suicideisnirvana]

I meant unrealistic * expectations, sorry.

 

[Volatile]

I haven't drunk alcohol in over a decade. I always used to drink myself to sleep to block out everything. I worry that if I were to get drunk I'd only end up drunk calling someone to confess what I was doing and end up in a difficult position.

I've tried the bridge thing before. I came close but got spotted before I managed to climb the railing. I figure I can take my time at home since I can't be seen.

At the bridge, how did the person know you were going to jump since you hadn't gone over the rail?

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

At the bridge, how did the person know you were going to jump since you hadn't gone over the rail?

I'd been there a while. I'd walked the length of the bridge one way and come back. Like I said before, I'm not brave. I was working up the nerve. The people that approached me were construction workers on the bridge. I'd stayed away from the bottom end where they were but I guess they noticed me when I turned around. I tried to BS my way out of it but they called the police anyway.