Venting Deep in my Heart

[CareOfCell44]

So life has picked up a bit lately. New job (which is a far cry of improvement from the last, but hey), few good friends with half hearted opportunities concerning my living situation, decent prospects of my artistics hobbies becoming more viable, and the mindset that if I work hard and keep at what im doing that my life will improve.

The problem is... I've been here before. So many god damn times that I feel like this is comedy at its best. Like an old Shakespearean play, where the drama is so thick that you cant help but laugh.
Im fairly young... 25
I used to have tremendous of ambition and worked my ass off at about 10 different jobs for the past 7 years, thinking that the next year would be the one where things would start to fall in place. Instead Ive only grown accustomed to tragedy, loneliness, and that feeling of being used.

Ive been essentially homeless my entire adult life, Ive worked so fucking hard to learn and be good at what I do just to see others else move forward while I remain stagnate.
Simply I've worked to hard only to be beaten, belittled, discarded by my own family, and to have my best friend turned into a puddle of blood and flesh by a law enforcement officer who cant raise proper children, leaving a infant son and fiance behind to which I was the supposed to be the best man.

Before I ramble on to much I'll just get to the point.
I cant keep this cycle going. Deep, deep in my heart I know that things wont work out.
Does anyone else have the feeling if you have a "Good Day"?

 

[cryptic_cynic]

Yes, I know the feeling. It's like a never ending rollercoaster ride that I didn't ask to be on. Frankly, it's getting really old.

 

[Halo13]

Yes. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop when life has taken a turn for the better - which it always does. I was just about your age when I began feeling the same way. It's a tricky situation because on one hand, you don't want to have a self fulfilling prophecy of "I know this will all turn out terribly" and so it does while trying to remain realistic with expectations. It can feel better to stay skeptical of the good things so there's no disappointment later. Problem being it gives little space for any improvement, having that outlook. It made me become jaded, bitter and question everything constantly like "oh yeah right, I'll believe it when I see it!" Then the "it" never happens, of course. Usually people say things can never improve if you don't take chances - been there, done that, suffered the consequences of blind hope.

The drama is exactly like a Shakespearean play, some of it is so absurd, you expect it to be a farce. When it is real over and over again, there's no way to stay positive/optimistic. I'm sorry you're stuck in the cycle of it, wish I had a solution but experienced the stagnation for many years now. Eventually just stopped caring, continuing to expect the worst.

 

[suffering]

I feel you. Pretty similar situation: no family (I've cut contact because they were abusive), lonely my whole life, work, futility, etc. It's definitely not worth it, but my survival instinct won't let me be free.
At least this lifestyle of constant struggle keeps me busy (I know it's a odd way to look at things, but..). I try to be grateful for what I have, because I've seen rock bottom and know how it's like. They say a wise man should seek a life free of pain instead of life of pleasure, I suppose it's true. I'm also at a slight advantage here, as I'm older and I can cope easier with loneliness. At 25 I was quite restless and needy, you seem to be more in control than I used to be. And you're still quite young, there is no need to get very annoyed if you don't get many promotions, they usually promote older people.
I just want to say and I'm sending good thoughts to you, regardless if you choose to end it or to keep going. Hugs!

 

[CareOfCell44]

@Halo13
I couldn't agree more
I've heard that if you are working on something with the mentality that it will fail, it inevitably will. Ive come to learn that is fundamentally false. Your more than likely just a reasonable person who's seen so many failure so many times you can simply put two and two together. As far as risks or taking chances, Ive risked everything and took more chances than most may see in a life time. And the people who give this advice (from my experience) seem to be the kind of people who have never actually taken a chance and have no clue what its like to be in a particular situation. Seems like people (especially with older males) will only give you advice to confirm their own beliefs and just encourage you to do what falls in line with that, if that makes any sense.

I feel you. Pretty similar situation: no family (I've cut contact because they were abusive), lonely my whole life, work, futility, etc. It's definitely not worth it, but my survival instinct won't let me be free.
At least this lifestyle of constant struggle keeps me busy (I know it's a odd way to look at things, but..). I try to be grateful for what I have, because I've seen rock bottom and know how it's like. They say a wise man should seek a life free of pain instead of life of pleasure, I suppose it's true. I'm also at a slight advantage here, as I'm older and I can cope easier with loneliness. At 25 I was quite restless and needy, you seem to be more in control than I used to be. And you're still quite young, there is no need to get very annoyed if you don't get many promotions, they usually promote older people.
I just want to say and I'm sending good thoughts to you, regardless if you choose to end it or to keep going. Hugs!

Thank you for your understanding!
But tbh work has been the most stable part of my life, Ive done mostly free lance work and have gotten some decent positions. Its my life outside of work that grown stagnate, when Im not working and have no place to go spending 150$ for hotel just to get a shower and sleep in for the day and watch tv(good god is it hell). Ive made mistakes (im no saint) but my biggest mistakes was trusting my family again and again. Im not exaterating when I say that everything outside my work life has either been split apart, stolen, broken, sold, or given/thrown away. I own 2 bags of clothes, a car, and a guitar, thats about it. Im just too tired of thinking that work will set me free, because it simply hasn't.

Sorry to ramble on but If there is a place to do it I guess this is it
Cheers!