Deep Feeling of Guilt and Hatred

[evolutionerror]

The more I think about my plans to CTB, the more deeply guilty I feel. It hasn't changed my mind about wanting to go through with it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't owe them anything, especially not to keep on living in a world where I find no happiness and have no will to live any longer, but I really do feel bad.

My mom, who I love and who loves me will be crushed. My little sister who is already a suicidal teen is going to fall deeper into that cycle probably because of me. My nieces and nephews will never remember their uncle, and the people I work with will be left out to dry during a time where they all sort of need me. It brings me to tears knowing I will hurt these people, but I can't help it, I can't take another moment living this life if I can help it. All these people believe in me, im so sorry to them all for being a huge disappointment, and for not being the person they all wanted / thought I was.

This life is nothing but pain, in life and in death. I'm not strong enough to carry the weight, and im no longer the person I once was, whoever that was. I feel so empty maybe except for an infinite feeling of sadness. I don't hate any specific people, but I hate this world.... I hate how we can't just live and be happy. I hate how some get more than others. I hate myself. All I have any more is my sadness and my hatred for myself and this world.

If there is a god, it can get fucked.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all grief and loss are an inevitable consequence of bringing humans into this world. Everyone will die and lose everything someday. We only exist just to be forgotten about, and if we were to die we would not be able to feel anything anymore, but it must be painful being in that situation.

I've always had a strong dislike for the concept of life and all of the endless suffering and cruelty that exists. I believe there to be no God, everything in life is determined by chance. Life is both very unfair and meaningless and life should certainly have not been a thing in the first place.
But I do understand that it's hard to carry on existing when all that you want is to be gone. I wish you freedom.

 

[universe]

This feeling of guilt is indeed very difficult to live with. It's a real tug and tear in our hearts. This feeling seems particularly present when the plans of CTB become concrete... I imagine that it resurfaces at this precise moment like a SI.

This feeling is also complicated to manage because it involves a very heavy mental load. One day we think that we have to do what we think is good for us, and that we think of ourselves above all. Another day, we say to ourselves that all this is very rushed and that it is horrible to have to leave without saying anything or lying to the relatives. And the next day, we tell ourselves that in any case, the CTB will arrive one day or another, that it is our destiny. This leads to lots of contradictory or constantly varying thoughts which are difficult to live with mentally. We have the impression of going crazy, of not knowing what to do, of being even more lost, disoriented and completely devastated.

Good luck to you, I hope you get better. I send you all my prayers.

 

[evolutionerror]

Everyone will die and lose everything someday. We only exist just to be forgotten about

And the next day, we tell ourselves that in any case, the CTB will arrive one day or another, that it is our destiny

The inevitability of death is foreboding, but also comforting. Even if I fail, and even if my health is perfect, this existence will one day end.

 

[universe]

Indeed, it seems illusory to flee death indefinitely and yet this is what many people do throughout their lives. Personally, beyond the fact that I will necessarily die, I really want a death by CTB. I'm bound to CTB one day I believe.