I got my stimulator tuned up today so I will leave a small message as a diary entry for myself and anyone who is interested.
It has been a year since I went through the surgery, and it has been the best decision I have made that I can remember. I can't even call this a decision, as it was either this or kms.
I went through ECT before (8 or 9 sessions) and it was hell compared to this.
Before the visit I wrote down what I was feeling.. I wrote it down in german, ill post the original (sorry for the german, germans, im not a native speaker) and translate:
Very, very tired
Sleeping 12-14hrs/day
Memory is still bad, difficult to concentrate
Fear, that this will never go away (i meant this state), hopelessness
Feels like a dead-end, I dont know how to get out
I should think of a suicide plan, when it gets unbearable, i can leave fast (i meant i can end it fast)
I dont like to speak about this, it feels like im only doing this for attention.
This is not written down, but last couple of weeks I was going throught the woods trying to find the perfect tree for hanging myself.
As I was sitting there at the doctor's office and they were changing the stimulation parameters, I didnt feel anyrhing, i was just crying the entire time. After about 2-4 mins i felt anxiety, then nausea (its a sign for me that always comes as the parameters are being changed), then a bit of double vision. After that I had a talk with a member of the team (a young psychologist, a nice guy, but the talk was nothing more than one would expect from a CBT session, that i have had for about 5 years before, CBT didnt help me at all). Suddenly, a wave of relief..all of this beinf shoved into background and slowly disappearing.
These doctors are nothing less than gods to me, you can read my post history before 7/2021, and see im not joking. They dragged me out of this hole of hell we are all familiar with.
As I was talking about my suicide plans and telling the doc I though it was just a way of soothing myself, he said to the younger doctor "yes, to tell oneself there's a way out of the misery".
By this I also want to illustrate that there are psychiatrists, alhought extremely scarce, who get this and go out of their way to help.
I got my stimulator tuned up today so I will leave a small message as a diary entry for myself and anyone who is interested.
It has been a year since I went through the surgery, and it has been the best decision I have made that I can remember. I can't even call this a decision, as it was either this or kms.
I went through ECT before (8 or 9 sessions) and it was hell compared to this.
Before the visit I wrote down what I was feeling.. I wrote it down in german, ill post the original (sorry for the german, germans, im not a native speaker) and translate:
Very, very tired
Sleeping 12-14hrs/day
Memory is still bad, difficult to concentrate
Fear, that this will never go away (i meant this state), hopelessness
Feels like a dead-end, I dont know how to get out
I should think of a suicide plan, when it gets unbearable, i can leave fast (i meant i can end it fast)
I dont like to speak about this, it feels like im only doing this for attention.
This is not written down, but last couple of weeks I was going throught the woods trying to find the perfect tree for hanging myself.
As I was sitting there at the doctor's office and they were changing the stimulation parameters, I didnt feel anyrhing, i was just crying the entire time. After about 2-4 mins i felt anxiety, then nausea (its a sign for me that always comes as the parameters are being changed), then a bit of double vision. After that I had a talk with a member of the team (a young psychologist, a nice guy, but the talk was nothing more than one would expect from a CBT session, that i have had for about 5 years before, CBT didnt help me at all). Suddenly, a wave of relief..all of this beinf shoved into background and slowly disappearing.
These doctors are nothing less than gods to me, you can read my post history before 7/2021, and see im not joking. They dragged me out of this hole of hell we are all familiar with.
As I was talking about my suicide plans and telling the doc I though it was just a way of soothing myself, he said to the younger doctor "yes, to tell oneself there's a way out of the misery".
By this I also want to illustrate that there are psychiatrists, alhought extremely scarce, who get this and go out of their way to help.
Damn, just writing this down is making me tear up, thank you, doctors.