Decision

[porfin1234]

I have decided I will CTB if I do not improve my situation and keep my current job and city I am living in. If I have to move back in with my dad, that's when I pull the plug.
Maybe fucked up but, everyone has their own life, I finally started to build mine only to almost completely destroy it.
i don't want a mediocre life and that's what it'll be if I end up having to leave my current home for good.

Hard lesson learned: when you've already got what you want and start building after 32 years... do not do anything that will take you off that path.

Thank you for reading.

 

[porfin1234]

Actually... I'm going to start buying things now. I don't feel hopeful I'll be able to make it at this job and continue my career.

 

[Soul]

@porfin1234, it may be that you'll feel better when you've assembled the ingredients for your exit - having a choice is a good thing, and can give you a sense of security and confidence, as well as a kind of tolerance for the drearies of daily life: Having my suicide kit on hand means I'm *choosing* every day, and I appreciate it more.

At the same time, please give your daily life your all. It's what you've wanted for 32 years. (((Hug)))

 

[imagineit]

Maybe a passing change in the mood? Your mood shifted overnight, who is to say it won't again. I wouldn't recommend starting to blow your money if it could prove counterproductive should you experience another shift in mentality.

 

[BlessedOffal]

That sounds like a stressful position to be in and I hope you're taking good care of yourself in the midst of it all. I wish you all the best in continuing your dream life!

 

[HannahB]

For a long time knowing I could ctb at any time is what kept me alive.

 

[porfin1234]

No. I am no longer living my dream life.
i threw all that away last year when I left my job and home impulsively. Downward spiral since
i am terrified. I have a job that feels impossible now and end of my career.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

You're still employed. Use that time to find a better position and living situation if you're able to. I'm sorry the past is haunting you in such a terrible way. But you may still have a chance.

 

[Jean4]

I changed my entire career at age 40. It's never too late. You have a job. Have you thought of finding something else? It's the best time to look for a job when you have one. :)

 

[BlessedOffal]

Ohhhh my bad. I misread it as you were still hanging on to it.

Have you any thoughts as to why your worst case scenario of moving into your dad's would be so bad for you?

 

[imagineit]

What do you define as a dream life? Maybe your expectations and wants are more practical and obtainable than some who say that and set unrealistic expectations on themselves. Or try to reach too far too early. It can't always work that way. Without knowing any of the particulars, it is hard to say. You have gotten a particular job, but now feel like you are unsuitable for it? Maybe seek guidance from others at the job, maybe you settle into it. What kind of job is it?

 

[porfin1234]

Ohhhh my bad. I misread it as you were still hanging on to it.

Have you any thoughts as to why your worst case scenario of moving into your dad's would be so bad for you?

i live in a city i love so much (well moved back after stupidly impulsively moving an hour away to bigger city)
So many opportunities to do things I love, dance music arts, it's small, mountains, etc
I would have to move to another state that's flat and ugly with nothing
My career would be over and I'd depend on my dad and he's not going to last forever
I'll be working minimum wage job rest of my life
Im not good at anything
I faked it all these years at good paying job but job switch and get found out as imposter
I wish I had waited longer before destroying my life I'm too damn young
Life is too long
Not short
That's my problem- by thinking life is short I've been impulsive and rushing everything- instead of settling into the good I was building last year I up and left.. my god.. worst decision of my entire life.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry I misunderstood your current situation. But it sounds like you have good reasons to stay in the town you love and focus on improving your job situation. It's unfortunate of course that you lost your previous job in a way that sounds unhappy. Are you in an okay living situation - do you rent an apartment, or share a place, or ... ?

 

[imagineit]

How serious is this imposter situation? Is it a case of falling into a job you are completely unsuitable for? Or did you front on qualifications or something? Is there no chance? Explain to them that maybe it isn't quite what you were expecting and you are determined to see it through for a time if they think that's acceptable? Something. Only you know, you are a bit vague. I understand the need for privacy.

All these other realizations that are dawning on you are compounding the situation and maybe you need to separate that. I am terrified. A lot of people are terrified. Everything suffers from the benefit of hindsight with events in life. There are people here who will talk privately it seems like, maybe someone who can identify with your current situation. It sounds hard, but maybe there is a way.

 

[porfin1234]

I'm sorry I misunderstood your current situation. But it sounds like you have good reasons to stay in the town you love and focus on improving your job situation. It's unfortunate of course that you lost your previous job in a way that sounds unhappy. Are you in an okay living situation - do you rent an apartment, or share a place, or ... ?

Because I'm an absolute and utter retard
Im now paying two rents
Trying to find sublet for other one
And current city now I have to leave and find a new home
The level of chaos and instability since September all by my doing (honestly just because my new jobs are way harder than what I got away with at old one and I'm a lazy piece of shit) is just insane
My life is really not that bad objectively speaking... I just don't believe in myself... and Im tortured daily remembering that decision I made to leave job where I loved the community etc... I'm tortured daily by things people have said about me, by how horrible of a human being I've been, and I've been running as fast as I can sabotaging my current job
None of this feels real
Which is so dangerous
God knows the next thing I'll do

How serious is this imposter situation? Is it a case of falling into a job you are completely unsuitable for? Or did you front on qualifications or something? Is there no chance? Explain to them that maybe it isn't quite what you were expecting and you are determined to see it through for a time if they think that's acceptable? Something. Only you know, you are a bit vague. I understand the need for privacy.

All these other realizations that are dawning on you are compounding the situation and maybe you need to separate that. I am terrified. A lot of people are terrified. Everything suffers from the benefit of hindsight with events in life. There are people here who will talk privately it seems like, maybe someone who can identify with your current situation. It sounds hard, but maybe there is a way.

ive taught 10 years but never put a ton of time into it
I was way more into it last year and my boss thought I was doing amazing (I had previously been put on a plan of improvement)
Im horrible with classroom management and ended up at a rough school and am so paralyzed I have shown up unprepared with total chaos
No grades nothing
I did the bare minimum was tenured and a lot of the kids loved me and I loved them but I really wasn't the best teacher
I went back to old school to visit and kids kept asking me why i left

im so tortured by my decisión that I just don't want to live anymore. I just want my old life back. I just want stability
It's one thing when shit happens
But to know that I am the creator of this mess
To know what a completely delusional and stupid person I have been
It's mind boggling
I can't live with myself anymore
I can't trust myself to do anything right
If I weren't so terrified of heights and pain of falling I'd jump off the mountains nearby and just end it all. Because I'm too dumb to attempt any other way and will fail for sure.

thank you all for reading andcommenting.
kinda wish I had found this site sooner
When I had suicidal ideation over dumber things that maybe could've helped me get over it
But now this is so far out... really just want to die.

 

[imagineit]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. People make mistakes and things can get complicated. If you are going to manage your situation you need to do so with a clear mind. What has happened has happened. Who can you talk to in the real world for insight and guidance?

 

[porfin1234]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. People make mistakes and things can get complicated. If you are going to manage your situation you need to do so with a clear mind. What has happened has happened. Who can you talk to in the real world for insight and guidance?

My friends are already sick of my drama and say I don't listen so there's no point.

 

[imagineit]

You cannot seek guidance from your father? People you have worked with in the past that you have contact info for? Reach out to someone for guidance. Tell them you need guidance. Maybe tell them you need help if you feel comfortable. People do this stuff. I mean, how much effort are you willing to expend to try and rectify the situation? You know how many people are going through life 'faking it?' That go through these moments? Your financial situation may be tricky, I am not sure. What are the ways in which you can rectify that? Maybe your father can help take the financial hit, you aim to pay him back, you find an alternative teaching job. What are the options here?

edit

This post is under review by a moderator. I will leave it as is for the time. I apologize if I broke a rule or was perceived as having intent. I will stop posting in this thread. I am sorry to hear about your situation.

 

[porfin1234]

You cannot seek guidance from your father? People you have worked with in the past that you have contact info for? Reach out to someone for guidance. Tell them you need guidance. Maybe tell them you need help if you feel comfortable. People do this stuff. I mean, how much effort are you willing to expend to try and rectify the situation? You know how many people are going through life 'faking it?' That go through these moments? Your financial situation may be tricky, I am not sure. What are the ways in which you can rectify that? Maybe your father can help take the financial hit, you aim to pay him back, you find an alternative teaching job. What are the options here?

edit

This post is under review by a moderator. I will leave it as is for the time. I apologize if I broke a rule or was perceived as having intent. I will stop posting in this thread. I am sorry to hear about your situation.

not sure what you said that could have been perceived as wrong
But I appreciate your input

 

[porfin1234]

Yes... I decided I can't do this anymore.

constsnt reminder of everything I sacrificed to new city, come back to old one... and just constant reminder of how I completely changed trajectory of my life, left job that was like second home to me, my life, everything... to a place I just can't succeed
I've screwed up living situation so bad, finances, I just can't anymore

bought nitrite and will be slowly accumulating rest of things I need for SN

 

[porfin1234]

wsrning: self pity rant

I'm so upset because I. Really have enjoyed life
But I messed up so badly so so badly last year and I miss my old life so much
I can't believe that I've done what I've done last year
I can't believe how crazy and delusional I've been all my life
And it's too late now
I wish I could take back the wasted tears in dumb crap I used to get down about... what people thought of me... loneliness... relationships... "anxiety" over nothing
Who cares
I just want my home and job back.
I enjoyed it so much last year and I threw it all away
No one wants to even be around me anymore because I'm so stuck on this
I'm just self absorbed and selfish... and delusional
And I'm just sick and tired of it
I imagine if that's a hell im going there.

 

[Moonicide]

Hey, love. I really hope things improve for you if it is still possible. I know you are learning towards ctb, and that's totally okay. That is your decision in the end, these are your emotions and your choice. And that's valid... But it also sounds like you still want to live, or are at least struggling between life and death... How have you been now? What's on your mind? Are you still going down the SN route? Are there any opportunities you can look into until before you decide to ctb? I only ask, because if there is one ounce of you that still wants to live, that wants to fix all of this, then please do see it through. I am sorry you're suffering so much that you're engulfed by the darkness like so many others here. The option to ctb will always be there for you... Definitely sit with your emotions and really think this out with much thought and care. Taking your fate into your own hands is one of the most powerful things you can do. Whatever you choose to do in the end, just know we are here to support you. May you find peace, love.

Sending you all of my love.

 

[Partial-Elf]

As a teacher, do you have any sick leave built up? If so this would be an ideal time to take it so you can recover a little... or at least not jeopardize your license

 

[porfin1234]

I've already missed like 20 days of work at both schools I've worked at this year.

i am sitting here debating not goingin

Im incredibly irresponsible and insane
Wtf is wrong with me

i can't stop obsessing over the school I left (original one and I'm back in original city)
Im terrified of going in to work. This school is rough. Kids are rough. I'm a horrible teacher.
Im already going to look bad on my resume.
i already haveruinex my reputation. As a teacher this year after building up so high at original school

I can't live with myself after what I did
I don't hate life itsslf
I hate my life
My job my home gone
I can't live like this
if I had a gun I would just shoot myself
SN takes so many steps and being calm and smart
Jumping is fucking terrifying
but I can't live like this. I can't live without my old job. Stable home. I know other people have it way way worse than me. But I just can't. I want out ASAP
The worst thing I could have ever done to myself is leave my home and job in the first place. I can't believe I sacrificed so much and did this to myself. This sounds horrible I rather someone have died than this. I'm ruined without a career. Stability. I'm going crazy.
I can't believe it. I was doing so amazing last year. So incredibly well. And I destroyed it completely destroyed it all
i have to die somehow. I have to.
there is a train near me. I wonder the chances of that working?
I just don't understand it

my old school I had so many things I loved about. The community I was so involved with everything. I loved my old home so much. So many reasons to stay. I had started making so many friends etc etc. So much. I can't believe I threw it all away. I may as well have killed myself.
I am the worst human being ive ever met

i have no business being around children anyway

i was pretty decent last year and have so many students I miss from my old school
But I've gone completely psycho crazy
so I need to just calm down and research the hell out of SN and find a way to just finally do it. Maybe if I obsess over the steps and how it will feel I will desensitize.
Im so obsessing over my old job etc it's driving insaner than I already am.
i keep comparing every tiny thing I had at my old school to this one. I even miss lunch duty. I miss everything. I just can't live like this. It sounds ridiculous I know.
i wantmy old life back.
i don't understand how I could be so stupid as to throw all those things away.
i swear to god after these years seeing my decision making etc and rationalization of things and behaviors
I really think that there's something seriously seriously wrong with my brain.. how can I be in my 30s... I feel like I'm 12 years old.

I mean... quit school I love take paycut leave amazing home friends everything even week before said I was at dream home then move??? God please help me understand how someone could do that??? I am truly insane and extremely unstable.

 

[porfin1234]

I am mourning my old home and school .. I can't live without it.. it's my whole life.. career and home.. my whole life down the drain.
If I can barely emotionally handle seeing someone and getting involved with them and ending up at the hospital because of attachment issues.. what in the hell made me think I could handle leaving a place I loved so much? There were a million signs to stay yet something kept pushing me to leave for no reason. Just like an obsession. Had to leave no option. Why?