Hello all,
I've decided it may be helpful to see my thoughts organized and written out as opposed to consistent and daily rumination. I'm currently in a place in my life and frame of mind where it truly seems there are no other options. I've dealt with mental health issues the entirety of my 25 years resulting in a few intense episodes which ultimately lead to many stays in psychiatric wards. I've publicly ruined my own reputation during the duration of these manic episodes that would last upwards of 3 months at a time. What seems to effect me the worst is that my "baseline," or my neutral mode is a depressive state. In which Im completely in a fog, unwilling to interact, dissociative and I isolate myself. This has been going on most notably for the last three years but I believe I began to really realize my trouble with socializing in a normal way beginning in college. It's like my mind is constantly blank or I havent developed sufficient skills to sustain normalcy and friendships. It used to break my heart but after my most recent episode Ive come to a place of acceptance...Maybe this is just my personality and who I am. I'd previously put effort into workout regiments and seeking counseling but to no avail. Some days I can't believe what my life has come to, other days I bearly notice. In a day I gather the strength to work (which requires little to no interaction), walk my dog, watch tv, sleep, eat and repeat. When people reach out to me I tend not to respond and simply dont know what to say. Id rather them remember me as someone vivacious than as a shell.
I apologize if my writing is out of sorts, that seems to be another symptom of whats going on. On top of dealing with major depression, the hospital bills Ive collected from involuntary admits I could only dream of paying off. Not a single one has been touched in three years. Combine that with my student loans and I have a lifetime of debt to look forward to. The possibility of attaining a lucrative job seems so slim because of my social limitations. Nothing is worth it. Theres not a single thing I feel is worth living for anymore and Ive been suicidal for a long time. Its intensified the older Ive gotten and the more I realize Im not even remotely on the same track to true adulthood as everyone else. Everyday I feel the pressure...I've got to do this. My parents have outwardly said "we don't know how to help you," and truthfully...I dont know how to help myself either and dont want to. Why should anyone else if Im unwilling? This sight has become a valuable resource in me figuring out the best way to successfully end this existence. Im glad to be in a community with like-minded individuals
*site
I've decided it may be helpful to see my thoughts organized and written out as opposed to consistent and daily rumination. I'm currently in a place in my life and frame of mind where it truly seems there are no other options. I've dealt with mental health issues the entirety of my 25 years resulting in a few intense episodes which ultimately lead to many stays in psychiatric wards. I've publicly ruined my own reputation during the duration of these manic episodes that would last upwards of 3 months at a time. What seems to effect me the worst is that my "baseline," or my neutral mode is a depressive state. In which Im completely in a fog, unwilling to interact, dissociative and I isolate myself. This has been going on most notably for the last three years but I believe I began to really realize my trouble with socializing in a normal way beginning in college. It's like my mind is constantly blank or I havent developed sufficient skills to sustain normalcy and friendships. It used to break my heart but after my most recent episode Ive come to a place of acceptance...Maybe this is just my personality and who I am. I'd previously put effort into workout regiments and seeking counseling but to no avail. Some days I can't believe what my life has come to, other days I bearly notice. In a day I gather the strength to work (which requires little to no interaction), walk my dog, watch tv, sleep, eat and repeat. When people reach out to me I tend not to respond and simply dont know what to say. Id rather them remember me as someone vivacious than as a shell.
I apologize if my writing is out of sorts, that seems to be another symptom of whats going on. On top of dealing with major depression, the hospital bills Ive collected from involuntary admits I could only dream of paying off. Not a single one has been touched in three years. Combine that with my student loans and I have a lifetime of debt to look forward to. The possibility of attaining a lucrative job seems so slim because of my social limitations. Nothing is worth it. Theres not a single thing I feel is worth living for anymore and Ive been suicidal for a long time. Its intensified the older Ive gotten and the more I realize Im not even remotely on the same track to true adulthood as everyone else. Everyday I feel the pressure...I've got to do this. My parents have outwardly said "we don't know how to help you," and truthfully...I dont know how to help myself either and dont want to. Why should anyone else if Im unwilling? This sight has become a valuable resource in me figuring out the best way to successfully end this existence. Im glad to be in a community with like-minded individuals
*site
