Stripe19
Forgotten Martyr
- Feb 28, 2023
- 49
A big and consistant cause of alot of what has made life feel unbearable for the greater part of my life has to do with the fact progress seems impossible and the connections i heavily favor with people are also ones that lead to ruin and end up leaving me alone again, aswell as stuff like dysphoria and body shame and past regrets and guilt and such. What it all seems to lead to however is just the matter that i am abundantly clearly not mentally healthy, and for what means i have carved out of life i do not actually have a way to healthily deal with the various issues i have. I made a oath and promise i would genuinely try my absolute best to do well for life and try to love it in spite of the things that make me hate it. That i would only CTB after ive genuinely tried otherwise.
I have already had various therapists and psychiatrists within my life and while small progress was made it was always temporary and evidently not that great anyway.
Being hospitalized was one of my biggest fears and that fear is a part of why i actually went to this site, and while i definitely would not give a peep about this site or anything to do with it, in terms of my own personal future i have debated that i am not capable of a fruitful future going the way i am. While i have had major boosts in some ways like combating dysphoria, i no longer trust myself and my sanity. The things i have said and done this year have been strangely incoherent to the point i would not believe it to be myself if not for the memories of it. Sure, in the larger picture i do feel aware of myself and my surroundings and everything i have been doing largely has a reason, but i know i have also thought this of myself for actions i now do not understand. My emotions and my personality are becoming increasing alien to me in a way that makes me hesitate more and more to call myself sane. I want so badly to be healthy and fine and i want to stop with the unintentional harm i bring.
The issue is that i do not trust the ability of professionals to actually even care anymore than i ever have in my life. Every glimpse i have been forced to have with the more severe and heavy handed psychiatric care has been of borderline torture and imprisonment over the entire care process itself. All i can think of is that i would be throwing away what amount i have managed to scrounge on my own in a extremely risky gambit that i have no prior proof of going as i hope. My relationship may be in question and friendships may be more fringe but i will have neither if i do this, and i will likely also be without any and all means to CTB, and lose acess to this place aswell given theres no way in hell im letting them even know this site exists, let alone my presence upon it, so even visiting this site is no go even if i somehow get internet acess. I will be so utterly cut off from so much and left so terribly alone with people who i do not trust.
The issue and dillema at hand is that i have to decide whether i trust myself enough to recover, or not. In either case i stand to lose what i have and regret not picking the other choice, and both have proof of being destructive and unsafe. I am not smart enough to make this difficult of a choice and i lack the conviction to simply just dedicate to one and hope. I will delay the choice as long as i can while i think about it but waiting forever is the worst option of them all.
I have already had various therapists and psychiatrists within my life and while small progress was made it was always temporary and evidently not that great anyway.
Being hospitalized was one of my biggest fears and that fear is a part of why i actually went to this site, and while i definitely would not give a peep about this site or anything to do with it, in terms of my own personal future i have debated that i am not capable of a fruitful future going the way i am. While i have had major boosts in some ways like combating dysphoria, i no longer trust myself and my sanity. The things i have said and done this year have been strangely incoherent to the point i would not believe it to be myself if not for the memories of it. Sure, in the larger picture i do feel aware of myself and my surroundings and everything i have been doing largely has a reason, but i know i have also thought this of myself for actions i now do not understand. My emotions and my personality are becoming increasing alien to me in a way that makes me hesitate more and more to call myself sane. I want so badly to be healthy and fine and i want to stop with the unintentional harm i bring.
The issue is that i do not trust the ability of professionals to actually even care anymore than i ever have in my life. Every glimpse i have been forced to have with the more severe and heavy handed psychiatric care has been of borderline torture and imprisonment over the entire care process itself. All i can think of is that i would be throwing away what amount i have managed to scrounge on my own in a extremely risky gambit that i have no prior proof of going as i hope. My relationship may be in question and friendships may be more fringe but i will have neither if i do this, and i will likely also be without any and all means to CTB, and lose acess to this place aswell given theres no way in hell im letting them even know this site exists, let alone my presence upon it, so even visiting this site is no go even if i somehow get internet acess. I will be so utterly cut off from so much and left so terribly alone with people who i do not trust.
The issue and dillema at hand is that i have to decide whether i trust myself enough to recover, or not. In either case i stand to lose what i have and regret not picking the other choice, and both have proof of being destructive and unsafe. I am not smart enough to make this difficult of a choice and i lack the conviction to simply just dedicate to one and hope. I will delay the choice as long as i can while i think about it but waiting forever is the worst option of them all.
