Death of a friend making me hesitate

[squirtsoda]

My big brother from my university fraternity unexpectedly lost his wife last night. Seeing the effect it has had on everyone is making it even more difficult to get over the idea of CTBing, despite the fact I've absolutely overcome the SI before with legitimate attempts resulting in near death (comas, severe organ damage, brain damage). The mere thought of what it would do to my parents and sister was the only thing holding me back, but seeing this play out over the last 24 hours is eye opening. But I know I need to exit. I wish there was at least something I could do to dampen the pain. There are hundreds of people that would directly grieve for me when I do, but it's the thought of my direct family grieving that hurts so much. I wish I could exit, and all memory of me ever existing would vaporize into thin air.

 

[LMLN]

I'm so sorry you are suffering. Those we leave behind will suffer, and that is hard to think about.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You don't have to answer this of course. And this ain't your first rodeo, obviously. But what would make life worth continuing to live? Not just bearable or tolerable, but worth it?

 

[squirtsoda]

@GoodPersonEffed im not sure. I'm well past the point where I can't visualize the future. Honestly, someone coming into my life relationship wise would help. But maybe I'm at the point where I can't have a healthy relationship, because I'd possibly be the dependent type of partner. I really don't know. I'm a totally functional person, homeowner, have a job, bachelors degrees, 29 years old. But that doesn't help like I once thought it would.

 

[Mr2005]

I'm so sorry you are suffering. Those we leave behind will suffer, and that is hard to think about.

For some that's a motivating factor