death march!!!

[preoppostmortem]

come to the conclusion that my parents don't love me. not in a way i can understand, anyway. im tired of screaming at my selfish fucking mother and begging her to feel some goddamn empathy for once in her life, only to have her sic my dad on me to threaten to beat the shit out of me. i dont care about anything anymore. my parents wont miss me. their lives will be so much easy without me embarrassing them, without me trying to convince them to understand me at all because clearly its too fucking hard for them.

i dont have a concrete plan yet. i read a thread about basically strangling yourself unconscious with gorilla tape and rolled up shirts/beanbags, seems pretty legit (hoping) but id still have to buy tape and practice a bit. weve got some 9 mms which ive only shot once but i think i could pull it off if i knew how (and if itd work). ive got a full bottle of prozac, too, but ive read other forums and that doesnt seem promising. read about a lady taking 1500 mg and only having a seizure. ive got over twice that so idk, at least those pills would finally be useful to me. only other meds i have are bupropion, offbrand benadryl (diphenhydramine), painkillers (acetaminophen), and a bunch of stuff my parents are on (hydroxyzine, amlodipine besylate, escitalopram). sorry if one of those is for like something stupid im not a drug expert. dads got shitty bud light too if thatll help at all, hate the taste of most alcohol but i can toughen up this once

my biggest fear is failing and being a vegetable for the rest of my life. having to listen to my parents tell me how selfish and worthless i am in the hospital. not being able to defend myself, though it doesnt matter if i try now. im always wrong anyway. at the very least, my mom would probably have the sense to let me die eventually. is it bad that i dont feel anything seeing her cry? that its just a bother? that im not sure if i love her at all?

ive never seen my dad cry. i dont want to see my family crying over me— they knew i was fucking miserable and nobody bothered to tell me to do anything besides "toughen up". if i survive and can still somewhat function, maybe theyll coddle me for a while before my moms right back to bitching at me for being such an awful person.

i sleep all day anyway. my mom works nights, my dad goes to bed early. i could do it. i could have hours before anyone finds me, thinks to come look. obviously, if i shoot myself, ill wake my dad up. but if i find the perfect time where theyre both gone, i could do it. quick and painless. im tired of living like this. im tired of being miserable and anxious, always waiting for my parents to torment me some more, tell me how im the problem, treat me like im delusional. heres my fucking solution. nearly two decades of living and i dont know how else to please them. my mother never cared to comfort me when i cried. maybe seeing my brain splattered all over her basement floor will make her think for once. make her see what the fuck she made me do.

tldr my parents are about as good with mental health as scientologists, i have a 9mm i could use but im far from an expert, might choke myself out with t-shirts and gorilla tape, got prozac, bupropion, diphenhydramine, acetaminophen, hydroxyzine, amlodipine besylate, escitalopram, and alcohol comment cocktail ideas lol

 

[dreamcatcher90]

Yo yo,

Give it some time. Parents aren't everything.

Invest some time in studying/learning, and create the life you want.
You're still very young probably. You'll find someone who loves you.

Join a sports team, be with other people. Start gaming, read books or just try to find a hobby to distract your mind.

Life is your creation.

 

[Arahant]

That 9mm will forever be out of your reach if they find out you failed an attempt. Just a heads up.

The gorilla tape (night night) method is notorious for being unreliable.

 

[preoppostmortem]

Yo yo,

Give it some time. Parents aren't everything.

Invest some time in studying/learning, and create the life you want.
You're still very young probably. You'll find someone who loves you.

Join a sports team, be with other people. Start gaming, read books or just try to find a hobby to distract your mind.

Life is your creation.

thanks for the pep talk but ive felt this way since i was 9. if i ever get out of my parents' house, i feel like id be too fucked up from all their bullshit to ever have a normal, fulfilling life. too anxious and autistic to get a job, dont even have a license anyway. atm my college prospects depend on them since apparently scholarships do fuck all from what ive heard, and it feels like they hate me a little more everyday. my mom said shed pay as long as i actually finished but i doubt that offer is still open. wouldnt be surprised if they told me to toughen up and figure it out myself.

not good at sports. last time i was with my friends my dad was there and i couldnt look them in the eye without feeling like i was gonna burst into tears. cant pretend im not a fucked up person anymore. nothing holds my attention. i went to therapy i took my meds i did all the "recovery" and "self-care" shit they told me to. i swear i tried. i swear i wanted to get better. but ive waited so long for my family to come around and i dont know how long itll take for me to be completely independent and cut them off for the rest of my life, because i sure as hell know theyre never gonna support me the way i need them to. my life may as well have peaked already. i dont want it anymore. nothing is worth knowing that the more my family knows about me, the less they love me. the less they want to deal with me.

all i do is wait for things to get better and at some point you just have to accept youre not strong enough to deal with your problems. im not cut out for life.

That 9mm will forever be out of your reach if they find out you failed an attempt. Just a heads up.

The gorilla tape (night night) method is notorious for being unreliable.

yeah, figured. at least if im in the hospital for a while i wont have to see my parents all the time. if i do survive theyd probably have me committed or something, theyve threatened that before. heard a lot of horror stories about mental hospitals but at the very least id be out of their house for a bit. maybe thats wishful thinking.

night-night method really doesnt work? guess it seemed too easy, too good to be true anyway. damn.